Armies across the globe have moved to a
state of high alert after reports that the number of Biometric
Robocops amassing on Antarctica is well into the millions.
Biologists, using new aerial surveillance photos to estimate the size
of the horde, have determined that there is a line of green clones
steadily streaming from the destroyed Google base which was
infiltrated weeks ago by the resistance group GASP. “I'm amazed,”
expert on Proto-Human Studies Ovaltine Goose-Shredder said Thursday,
“Their rate of multiplication is just unheard of. I don't know what
kind of cloning technology Google put together, but it's a high
powered contraption.” The discovery has led citizens and
international leaders to demand that Google take responsibility for
the biometric robocop horde, as the growing problem on the frozen
continent is now too much for a single state to take on. Google has
responded by completely washing their hands of the matter, with
reports surfacing that their executives have fled to private islands
in international waters with their mountains of riches. According to
Google representatives, “Google never intended to deal with any
unforeseen consequences of the dissemination of our technology. Also,
Antarctica can't charge us with anything because it doesn't have laws, so good fucking luck sticking us with anything.” Their
statements have led many to believe that you don't become one of the
biggest corporations ever and then let anything stick you in a corner.
Many have suggested a wait and see
approach to dealing with the biometric robocop horde by letting
Antarctica take care of the problem for the rest of the planet, as
the harsh climate and lack of vegetation would deprive the horde of
nutrients, something absolutely necessary for living organisms. After
two weeks passed without any noticeable decline in numbers, this bit
of global well-wishing was quashed by currently at-large resistance
leader Axel Hjalmar, who confirmed that the biometric robocops do not
ingest their nutrients, but sustain existence through photosynthesis.
GASP estimates that due to the Antarctic conditions, the biometric
robocops could be operating at 45% of their capacity for destruction,
increasing to 100% capacity with proximity to the equator. Despite
the terrifying prospects, Hjalmar is still trying to convince the
world to allow the horde to exist and fulfil their programming by
destroying all technology, but has been argued down to the secondary
benefits of such a plan, saying “[The biometric robocops] could
become a greater carbon sink than the Amazon if you let them.”
Despite possibly solving global warming, experts still believe this
to be a terrible idea, as allowing something to become a carbon sink
on par with the Amazon will only give humans licence to destroy the Amazon.
During the fuzzy satellite feed, a
revelation was brought about that many experts have been worrying
over for weeks, that GASP isn't really sure about what they have
created and that the numbers they have thrown out about the biometric
robocop's destructive capacities are guesses at best. “They may be
more powerful than we designed.” Hjalmar admitted, “The DNA
structure we uploaded to Google's database was never tested, as we
didn't have the technology to bring them about. The process of
turning the code into a living organism could make it vastly
underpowered or overpowered, but we must admit, we aimed for
overpowered.”
Due to the dangers of walking into a
horde of possibly murderous biometric robocops, only one human has
decided to travel to Antarctica to see firsthand what humanity is
dealing with. “I've realized how I can help. I'm going to do what
no other human has been willing to do, to leave my smart-phone behind
and travel to Antarctica.” Karen made the announcement in a press
conference Thursday that she “will see firsthand what the biometric
robocops are up to, and what they are capable of, and if I can
disable the cloning device that is allowing them to replicate
themselves.” Even though she is the only person willing to confront
the biometric robocops, the response to Karen's heroism has been a
discriminatory “good riddance” from the rest of the world due to
her status as the first undead human. Karen is convinced that the
biometric robocops will either see her as a kindred spirit or be
terrified of her like everyone else is, and thus not immediately
destroy her. Karen's husband, Ovaltine Goose-Shredder, disagrees. “Is
Karen technology? She's advanced, she's had one more death than
anyone else has, and she's got lots of little dits and do-dad's
inside her to mimic bodily processes. I don't think they will take
kindly to her, and I'm really worried about this.” Despite his
objections, Goose-Shredder is currently the only person supporting
Karen's endeavour. “She's found the first place where she fits and
it completely makes sense to her why she's back now. She flat out
needs to do this, so I helped her outfit a sailboat for her journey.
The only thing left to say is Godspeed.”
