Shoe Polish Sales See Christmas Surge in Netherlands

The generally dismal sales of shoe polish in the western world got a boost earlier this month as the holiday season saw it's usual amount of Dutch revellers dressing up in blackface. “Aside from the Netherlands, blackface hasn't been seen anywhere but the 60's, and Big Shoepolish is ecstatic,” resident International Business expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder said early Thursday. “With the 'Not for use on Skin' disclaimer the industry absolves itself of any indiscretion and doesn't have to worry about racially charged class action lawsuits cutting into their profits. It's a huge boon to their industry.” The windfall comes at an especially lucky time, as Big Shoepolish, the umbrella term for the giants of the shoe polish industry, has been on the decline ever since the creation of children's advocacy groups, which sought to shelter and educate the world's supply of street corner shine-boys. Financial experts are confident about Big Shoepolish's stock performance this quarter. “It would be a good idea to pick up some shoe-polish stock.” Goose-Shredder said, “Would be, if it weren't such a bad idea the other 11 months of the year.”

The use of blackface in Dutch Christmas traditions has it's origins in the middle ages, when Sinterklaas chartered a steamship over from Spain and brought some black slaves to help deliver sweets and presents to the children of Holland. The black slaves were necessary for balance because without something terrible on an equal magnitude karma would implode at the invention of Christmas. Through the centuries the tradition of Netherlanders dressing up like Sinterklaas and passing out presents while other white people in blackface clowned around has continued with both private and public displays happening every year. The black slaves, known collectively as Zwarte Piet, have had a few consistent character guidelines. He has to speak Dutch like the 3 stooges, be sneaky and generally be the most dignity sapping caricature possible.

International Folklorist Ovaltine Goose-Shredder has been archiving the Dutch tradition for years, “The tide has been steadily turning against Zwarte Piet, but because many Dutchees see outrage at Zwarte Piet in a 'war on Christmas' sense, the end of it will likely be where they put the 'Here's where Racism Died' plaque.” Experts agree that the tradition says a lot about how the Dutch feel about race and that they're probably not sorry for starting the North American slave trade. Ovaltine Goose-Shredder thinks that if they can't agree to stop dressing up in blackface, their Christmas celebrations should be changed to reflect their attitudes. “Sinterklaas should ride around in a sleigh with a confederate flag licence plate and punch children in the eye instead of giving them candy.” he says, “That's the Christmas the Dutch deserve.”