The President of Argentina has
announced that the Argentine military has failed to find an effective
means of combating the Biometric Robocop horde, and is telling
citizens to brace for a pandemic of technology destroying
plant-organisms to overrun the country. In a statement made early
Thursday, President Cristina Fernandez de Krichner confirmed reports
that conventional weapons have been completely ineffective against
the bio-robo horde, and that less orthodox weapons like chainsaws and
hedge trimmers are bringing soldiers into close-combat situations
they cannot possibly win. “The bio-robo organism is proving to be
amazingly resilient,” resident militant-botany expert Ovaltine
Goose-Shredder said Thursday. Goose-Shredder, who has been in close
contact with colleagues in South America since the invasion began,
says the bio-robos are both faster and stronger than a human and
incredibly difficult to fight. “You're pretty much getting into a
fistfight with a tree,” he says, “so if you actually land a
punch, your hand breaks.” Goose-Shredder can confirm that chemical
weapons have been deployed by Argentine authorities, but also with no
effect. “They doused [the bio-robos] in Round-Up, but their bark
seems impervious to liquid transfer, which is bad news for us
poisoning them.” Goose-Shredder says that after throwing the electronics into a lake, the bio-robos have been observed dipping a
finger into the water for a few minutes before running off for more
destruction, leading him to theorize that the biometric robocops
dispose of electronics in lakes so they have to drink at regular
intervals instead of running themselves to death like other intensely driven organisms. “[The bio-robos] are in control of when they
absorb liquids. I really have to take my hat off to [Axel Hjalmar].
He's put together a tough creature here.”
On the prospect of using guns against
the bio-robo horde, Goose-Shredder says that even in humanity's cavernous arsenal, nothing has even slowed them down. “A bullet
will make a dent in them, but using a gun against [a bio-robo] is
about as effective as shooting a tree can be,” he explains. For
readers who have never attempted this before, shooting a tree is a
useless means of killing it. Goose-Shredder explains that plants
don't have organs like we do, so the whole organism is a porous
circulatory system that flows around any damage created by a gunshot
wound. Goosie speculates that the only way killing a bio-robo with a
gun could work is if copper bullets are used, but that would require
months of waiting for the copper poisoning to take effect. Beyond
that, copper is too soft a metal to have any penetrating power, so
it's not very likely that copper bullets will work at all. This
essentially exhausts all possible ways a military force can combat
the bio-robo horde, with explosives already being ruled out as an
unacceptable risk due to collateral damage, and flamethrowers not
being an option because no one wants flaming plants running through
the streets and setting their city on fire.
A Google executive was asked to comment
on how the company will react to a gaggle of seemingly invincible
biometric robocops racing up South America to destroy everything
they've built, but offered no comment.
In local news, early Thursday morning
the Preacher Firestone's almost two year “everyone join the All that is Google” sermon began to pick up pace from what was already
considered an auctioneers cadence until around 5am, when any
separation of his words ceased and he began to breathlessly run every
syllable the human voice is capable of producing into a cycling
mantra. Locals held their breath, not literally, because this went on
for hours, expecting this apparent breakdown in his speech pattern to
be a sign of an imminent cessation of his sermon, something all of
Canada really wanted to see when they were betting on it's eventuality over one year ago. Local linguistic expert Ovaltine
Goose-Shredder summed up the citizenry's feeling. “Is he breaking?
Is this the end of Firestone?” he was able to ask before getting
lost in the mantra for half an hour, after which Goose-Shredder
blinked, shook his head and said, “I think that guy unhinged my
brain. What he's doing is like Pi underpinning every circle in the
universe, but he's hit the under-felt of language.” Firestone's
breathless mantra continued until about 6pm local time, at which
point he clearly spoke the words “Miracle Grow” and began walking
out of the alley, turning south onto Richmond street. No one had the winning lottery ticket for Dec 12, 6:14pm.
