The Winter Finale: Argentina Admits Failure to Combat Bio-Robo Horde

The President of Argentina has announced that the Argentine military has failed to find an effective means of combating the Biometric Robocop horde, and is telling citizens to brace for a pandemic of technology destroying plant-organisms to overrun the country. In a statement made early Thursday, President Cristina Fernandez de Krichner confirmed reports that conventional weapons have been completely ineffective against the bio-robo horde, and that less orthodox weapons like chainsaws and hedge trimmers are bringing soldiers into close-combat situations they cannot possibly win. “The bio-robo organism is proving to be amazingly resilient,” resident militant-botany expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder said Thursday. Goose-Shredder, who has been in close contact with colleagues in South America since the invasion began, says the bio-robos are both faster and stronger than a human and incredibly difficult to fight. “You're pretty much getting into a fistfight with a tree,” he says, “so if you actually land a punch, your hand breaks.” Goose-Shredder can confirm that chemical weapons have been deployed by Argentine authorities, but also with no effect. “They doused [the bio-robos] in Round-Up, but their bark seems impervious to liquid transfer, which is bad news for us poisoning them.” Goose-Shredder says that after throwing the electronics into a lake, the bio-robos have been observed dipping a finger into the water for a few minutes before running off for more destruction, leading him to theorize that the biometric robocops dispose of electronics in lakes so they have to drink at regular intervals instead of running themselves to death like other intensely driven organisms. “[The bio-robos] are in control of when they absorb liquids. I really have to take my hat off to [Axel Hjalmar]. He's put together a tough creature here.”

On the prospect of using guns against the bio-robo horde, Goose-Shredder says that even in humanity's cavernous arsenal, nothing has even slowed them down. “A bullet will make a dent in them, but using a gun against [a bio-robo] is about as effective as shooting a tree can be,” he explains. For readers who have never attempted this before, shooting a tree is a useless means of killing it. Goose-Shredder explains that plants don't have organs like we do, so the whole organism is a porous circulatory system that flows around any damage created by a gunshot wound. Goosie speculates that the only way killing a bio-robo with a gun could work is if copper bullets are used, but that would require months of waiting for the copper poisoning to take effect. Beyond that, copper is too soft a metal to have any penetrating power, so it's not very likely that copper bullets will work at all. This essentially exhausts all possible ways a military force can combat the bio-robo horde, with explosives already being ruled out as an unacceptable risk due to collateral damage, and flamethrowers not being an option because no one wants flaming plants running through the streets and setting their city on fire.

A Google executive was asked to comment on how the company will react to a gaggle of seemingly invincible biometric robocops racing up South America to destroy everything they've built, but offered no comment.

In local news, early Thursday morning the Preacher Firestone's almost two year “everyone join the All that is Google” sermon began to pick up pace from what was already considered an auctioneers cadence until around 5am, when any separation of his words ceased and he began to breathlessly run every syllable the human voice is capable of producing into a cycling mantra. Locals held their breath, not literally, because this went on for hours, expecting this apparent breakdown in his speech pattern to be a sign of an imminent cessation of his sermon, something all of Canada really wanted to see when they were betting on it's eventuality over one year ago. Local linguistic expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder summed up the citizenry's feeling. “Is he breaking? Is this the end of Firestone?” he was able to ask before getting lost in the mantra for half an hour, after which Goose-Shredder blinked, shook his head and said, “I think that guy unhinged my brain. What he's doing is like Pi underpinning every circle in the universe, but he's hit the under-felt of language.” Firestone's breathless mantra continued until about 6pm local time, at which point he clearly spoke the words “Miracle Grow” and began walking out of the alley, turning south onto Richmond street. No one had the winning lottery ticket for Dec 12, 6:14pm.