A Programming Update from James Betty

Holy hiatus! I'm taking a summer off from nonsense, in hopes that it will be less nonsensical when I return to it in the fall. Also, I would be disappointed in myself if I didn't give my full attention to falling into oceans this summer. Fun fun fun.


Shopping List for Next Season:

45% more plot coherence
Keep OGS levels consistent
Knock off the Cussing: This is a family blog
20% more shenanigans
38% less asinine trash


Over the summer I might just start posting asinine trash. I have a bunch lying around in various documents and folders, so watch out for that. The Piss Awesome Journalism you know and love will resume in September! See ya then!

Love,
James Betty

Holy Shit it's The End! (Of the season)

Oh my God, Brimstone. Legit brimstone! At least legit talk about brimstone. Talk about The End of Everything! With capital E's! That's what 34 year old Ted Firestone is spouting off about in a marathon preaching session currently occurring in an alley behind Jacks in London, Ontario. As many people as can fit into the alley, it only being the width of one car, are jammed together to hear what is probably the most coherent prophesizing of the end of days we've seen this year. The event is being broadcast online, with clips of five to ten minutes at a time of Firestone's rattling auctioneer scripture are being recorded by people in attendance and posted to youtube, each overlapping so that a running manuscript of what is being said can't be put together as Firestone enters the 50th straight hour of his Hellfire sermon.

A theme of the sermon is starting to emerge as journalists tweet from the venue itself and attempt to analyze the videos. Ted Firestone is not affiliated with any church or religious sect. He preaches from atop a dumpster and claims his connection to God is much more personal than anything found in “the doctrine faiths.” Firestone ate a handful of psilocybin mushrooms in his early 20's and thought he saw God. In his own words, “I saw a bright light and his name was Gabriel! He had come from the heavens to impart a feeling within me, to put the Lord within me. Transferred! Inhaled! The Angel showed me with my eyes and my lungs the process whereby the Lord comes into your life! You must breathe Him in and know He is there! For He is here amongst us! We must hurry, for I have seen the horn, and it blares the sound of Google! Google shall unite all humanity in understanding, so we can show God that we are standing together in the wholeness of our humanity! Ready to be received into Heaven! Ready to receive his rapture!”

Ovaltine Goose-Shredder, an expert in both Theology and Getting Fucked on Drugs, is denying that what we are seeing is the beginning of any significant movement. “I don't even have to talk about whether or not Google is the force that will unite humanity for the Second Coming. Firestone took mushrooms and immediately forgot what hallucinogens do to the brain. I suspect the general public will have the same reaction to him. And that he will have the same reaction to himself. People on mushrooms can't concentrate worth shit, is what I'm saying. This will all be forgotten by Saturday.”

But other citizens aren't so quick to dismiss Firestone. Citizen Danny spoke late Wednesday outside the Coveant Garden Market in downtown London as many people from among the established faiths  began taking up collections on street-corners in Firestone's name. “Yeah, everyone will forget about him when he shuts up, but he's been going for 50 hours. He might never stop, and then what?”

Axel Hjalmar was quick to dismiss the preaching as “the ramblings of a mind compromised by drug use.” Hjalmar posted a letter online that was picked up quickly by the major news outlets in which he lambasted Firestone's endorsement of what he called “a dangerous faith in the giant to not destroy you,” and that anyone who would turn their will over to such a monolithic entity “would be granted the imprisonment that they seek.”

Betting pools have sprung up across the country with prizes going to the person who can correctly guess the number of hours that Firestone will last, with side bets being placed on whether the sermon will be stopped by his own heart giving out, his own indifference or police intervention. There are talks of a nationwide pool in the works. One thing is for certain, the world that Firestone is outlining is not necessarily something we want to happen if we're all going to gamble on him. “If you do not accept the Lord, if you do not allow Google to unite you with the rest of humanity and are not raised up to heaven on the day of the rapture, I pity the physical existence you will be left with. Because they have been passed over, because they have been left behind, humanity will degrade in a manner unseen in our recorded history. There shall be strife, there shall be murder, there shall be pointless lusting after resources. The gas stations will be incinerated. It shall be a world of work. You'll have to walk everywhere and the only restaurant left will be Taco Bell. Suicide shall be the foremost pass-time amongst those left behind, for all remaining will realize that they have no reason to remain on Earth. That the point of living has passed them by. That they didn't get a G-Mail account when they had the chance! Trust in Google and we shall be delivered unto the Lord!”

Donald Trump Turns Canada Gay

All was right with the world until last week, when it was revealed that a contestant in the Donald Trump owned Miss Universe Canada pageant had been born a man but underwent sexual reassignment surgery when she was 19. Jenna Talackova was removed from the pageant last week but has since been told that if she is legally confirmed as a woman by the Government of Canada she will be allowed to re-join the competition. The dramatic reveal has sparked discussions around the world concerning the non-inclusion of transgendered people in many legal senses. In other circles the discussion has centred on the ickieness of looking at a woman who used to be a dude.

Local Outragee Sandra was first to sound off on the issue because she yelled the loudest. “My husband would have watched the Miss Universe qualifier and not even known he was gay for tolerating a current woman that was a former man. Our marriage would have been a sham, just like that! And sham marriages lead to murder and teen pregnancy like in the Lifetime movies. Our kids would have tried pot!” she said, adding “Not that he watched it because he knows that if he looks at another woman in a form fitting dress I'll kill him, but if he did, my God the consequences for us all!”

The dramatic revelation has created widespread insecurity amongst younger males, with a majority of them consistently wincing and slapping at their own faces over the past week in a vain attempt to get the image of the Transsexual Beauty Queen out of their heads. Citizen Danny commented on the reactions of his peers early Wednesday on Oxford, “These guys don't even realize that what they like about Jenna is what they objectively like about women, they just get hung up on the 'born with a penis' thing. They can't chill and not freak out because they're not even trying to understand why they might be superficially attracted to a tranny, which is because they like women.” Danny did concede that even though there is logically no reason for men to question their own sexuality for finding someone who used to be a man but now looks like a woman hot, he can understand why they're having a hard time getting past it. “There is a certain point in a man's development when he can't separate finding something beautiful and wanting to fuck it. That's why I got caught fucking a bouquet of roses when I was eighteen. The libido just hasn't calmed down enough yet, so every time the picture of Jenna pops into their head, they still... find her beautiful. When these guys are slapping themselves, they're physically trying to beat their hormones into submission.”

Trump, riding the explosion of controversy his pageants exclusion of transgendered peoples has created, introduced a new reality show that has begun shooting in Canada and will premiere on NBC in the fall. “We film ten guys watching the Miss Universe pageant and getting all icked out.” he said in New York Wednesday, “then it turns into a comedy when they start doing ridiculous things to regain their perceived loss of masculinity. I predict I'll make another hundred million on this one. Ya dont bet against the Trump!”

One of the participants in Trump's new show, a faceless frat-boy, was reached for comment on the steps of the Theta-Delta-Kai house. He was shirtless and pouring beer on his chest when we spoke. “Joh ma gawd, Brosef – BROSEF! It's a disgrace, yo. Canada's hottest bitch could've been a dude. A DUDE! BROSEF!! As if America didn't already think we were fags, man! Hey America! I'll punch my best bro in the face, right now America!” He did punch his buddy in the face, and the rest of the interview was him alternately doing Arsenio-Whoops and barking like a rottweiler until his voice gave out. Out of breath and collapsed on the ground, the faceless frat-boy concluded by saying, “Just tell me you love me America, that you're proud of me America, fatherland... land of like, fathers and stuff,” proving once again that if a person does Arsenio-Whoops for long enough it will ruin them emotionally and manifest their darkest secrets.

After the announcement by Donald Trump, resident legal expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder was optimistic about Jenna's chances of re-joining the pageant. “It has been left to the Government to decide if she is a woman or not, and they said she was a woman on her driver's license years ago. She should have no problem re-joining the pageant.” he said before commenting on the contest rules that caused the problem in the first place. “Setting aside whether or not Jenna believing she was born a woman makes her a true woman, the contest is about finding persons who fit the criteria of womanliness, so anyone that fits those criteria should be allowed to participate, male or female. I don't know why a contest that superficial would bother looking at chromosomes.”