Oh my God, Brimstone. Legit brimstone! At least legit talk about brimstone. Talk about The End of Everything! With capital E's! That's what 34 year old Ted Firestone is spouting off about in a marathon preaching session currently occurring in an alley behind Jacks in London, Ontario. As many people as can fit into the alley, it only being the width of one car, are jammed together to hear what is probably the most coherent prophesizing of the end of days we've seen this year. The event is being broadcast online, with clips of five to ten minutes at a time of Firestone's rattling auctioneer scripture are being recorded by people in attendance and posted to youtube, each overlapping so that a running manuscript of what is being said can't be put together as Firestone enters the 50th straight hour of his Hellfire sermon.
A theme of the sermon is starting to emerge as journalists tweet from the venue itself and attempt to analyze the videos. Ted Firestone is not affiliated with any church or religious sect. He preaches from atop a dumpster and claims his connection to God is much more personal than anything found in “the doctrine faiths.” Firestone ate a handful of psilocybin mushrooms in his early 20's and thought he saw God. In his own words, “I saw a bright light and his name was Gabriel! He had come from the heavens to impart a feeling within me, to put the Lord within me. Transferred! Inhaled! The Angel showed me with my eyes and my lungs the process whereby the Lord comes into your life! You must breathe Him in and know He is there! For He is here amongst us! We must hurry, for I have seen the horn, and it blares the sound of Google! Google shall unite all humanity in understanding, so we can show God that we are standing together in the wholeness of our humanity! Ready to be received into Heaven! Ready to receive his rapture!”
Ovaltine Goose-Shredder, an expert in both Theology and Getting Fucked on Drugs, is denying that what we are seeing is the beginning of any significant movement. “I don't even have to talk about whether or not Google is the force that will unite humanity for the Second Coming. Firestone took mushrooms and immediately forgot what hallucinogens do to the brain. I suspect the general public will have the same reaction to him. And that he will have the same reaction to himself. People on mushrooms can't concentrate worth shit, is what I'm saying. This will all be forgotten by Saturday.”
But other citizens aren't so quick to dismiss Firestone. Citizen Danny spoke late Wednesday outside the Coveant Garden Market in downtown London as many people from among the established faiths began taking up collections on street-corners in Firestone's name. “Yeah, everyone will forget about him when he shuts up, but he's been going for 50 hours. He might never stop, and then what?”
Axel Hjalmar was quick to dismiss the preaching as “the ramblings of a mind compromised by drug use.” Hjalmar posted a letter online that was picked up quickly by the major news outlets in which he lambasted Firestone's endorsement of what he called “a dangerous faith in the giant to not destroy you,” and that anyone who would turn their will over to such a monolithic entity “would be granted the imprisonment that they seek.”
Betting pools have sprung up across the country with prizes going to the person who can correctly guess the number of hours that Firestone will last, with side bets being placed on whether the sermon will be stopped by his own heart giving out, his own indifference or police intervention. There are talks of a nationwide pool in the works. One thing is for certain, the world that Firestone is outlining is not necessarily something we want to happen if we're all going to gamble on him. “If you do not accept the Lord, if you do not allow Google to unite you with the rest of humanity and are not raised up to heaven on the day of the rapture, I pity the physical existence you will be left with. Because they have been passed over, because they have been left behind, humanity will degrade in a manner unseen in our recorded history. There shall be strife, there shall be murder, there shall be pointless lusting after resources. The gas stations will be incinerated. It shall be a world of work. You'll have to walk everywhere and the only restaurant left will be Taco Bell. Suicide shall be the foremost pass-time amongst those left behind, for all remaining will realize that they have no reason to remain on Earth. That the point of living has passed them by. That they didn't get a G-Mail account when they had the chance! Trust in Google and we shall be delivered unto the Lord!”
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