All was right with the world until last
week, when it was revealed that a contestant in the Donald Trump owned Miss Universe Canada pageant had been born a man but underwent sexual reassignment surgery when she was 19. Jenna Talackova was
removed from the pageant last week but has since been told that if
she is legally confirmed as a woman by the Government of Canada she
will be allowed to re-join the competition. The dramatic reveal has
sparked discussions around the world concerning the non-inclusion of
transgendered people in many legal senses. In other circles the
discussion has centred on the ickieness of looking at a woman who
used to be a dude.
Local Outragee Sandra was first to
sound off on the issue because she yelled the loudest. “My husband
would have watched the Miss Universe qualifier and not even known he
was gay for tolerating a current woman that was a former man. Our
marriage would have been a sham, just like that! And sham marriages
lead to murder and teen pregnancy like in the Lifetime movies. Our
kids would have tried pot!” she said, adding “Not that he watched
it because he knows that if he looks at another woman in a form
fitting dress I'll kill him, but if he did, my God the consequences
for us all!”
The dramatic revelation has created
widespread insecurity amongst younger males, with a majority of them
consistently wincing and slapping at their own faces over the past
week in a vain attempt to get the image of the Transsexual Beauty
Queen out of their heads. Citizen Danny commented on the reactions of
his peers early Wednesday on Oxford, “These guys don't even realize
that what they like about Jenna is what they objectively like about
women, they just get hung up on the 'born with a penis' thing. They
can't chill and not freak out because they're not even trying to
understand why they might be superficially attracted to a tranny,
which is because they like women.” Danny did concede that even
though there is logically no reason for men to question their own
sexuality for finding someone who used to be a man but now looks like
a woman hot, he can understand why they're having a hard time getting
past it. “There is a certain point in a man's development when he
can't separate finding something beautiful and wanting to fuck it.
That's why I got caught fucking a bouquet of roses when I was
eighteen. The libido just hasn't calmed down enough yet, so every
time the picture of Jenna pops into their head, they still... find
her beautiful. When these guys are slapping themselves, they're
physically trying to beat their hormones into submission.”
Trump, riding the explosion of
controversy his pageants exclusion of transgendered
peoples has created, introduced a new reality show that has begun
shooting in Canada and will premiere on NBC in the fall. “We film
ten guys watching the Miss Universe pageant and getting all icked
out.” he said in New York Wednesday, “then it turns into a comedy
when they start doing ridiculous things to regain their perceived
loss of masculinity. I predict I'll make another hundred million on
this one. Ya dont bet against the Trump!”
One of the participants in Trump's new
show, a faceless frat-boy, was reached for comment on the steps of
the Theta-Delta-Kai house. He was shirtless and pouring beer on his
chest when we spoke. “Joh ma gawd, Brosef – BROSEF! It's a
disgrace, yo. Canada's hottest bitch could've been a dude. A DUDE!
BROSEF!! As if America didn't already think we were fags, man! Hey
America! I'll punch my best bro in the face, right now America!” He
did punch his buddy in the face, and the rest of the interview was
him alternately doing Arsenio-Whoops and barking like a rottweiler
until his voice gave out. Out of breath and collapsed on the ground,
the faceless frat-boy concluded by saying, “Just tell me you love
me America, that you're proud of me America, fatherland... land of
like, fathers and stuff,” proving once again that if a person does
Arsenio-Whoops for long enough it will ruin them emotionally and
manifest their darkest secrets.
After the announcement by Donald Trump,
resident legal expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder was optimistic about
Jenna's chances of re-joining the pageant. “It has been left to the
Government to decide if she is a woman or not, and they said she was
a woman on her driver's license years ago. She should have no problem
re-joining the pageant.” he said before commenting on the contest
rules that caused the problem in the first place. “Setting aside
whether or not Jenna believing she was born a woman makes her a true
woman, the contest is about finding persons who fit the criteria of
womanliness, so anyone that fits those criteria should be allowed to
participate, male or female. I don't know why a contest that
superficial would bother looking at chromosomes.”
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