Incidentally, the cops are showing up
because of you. When we called for an ambulance and said that someone
had set someone else's face on fire, they insisted on sending a
cruiser too, to protect the ambulance. I don't want to tell you how
to react to this information, because I don't know who you are and I
don't care what happens to you. I don't think you crashed my party,
although advertising the party as an “acid-punch freakout” led to
a lot of people I don't know sneaking into my house. Little did they
know that acid-punch freakout meant brawling with balloons full of
hydrochloric acid taped to our knuckles, so at least they got what
they deserved. People with glasses got the worst of it. When the
fists hit their face, the balloons split open on the frames, so they
all ended up pretty mangled. I don't want to say that they lost the
acid-punch freakout party, because everyone has chemical burns, but
they definitely got the worst of it.
So I don't think you're the kind of
person to sneak into my house once you heard that a bitchin party was
going to happen here. I just think whoever brought you doesn't want
to own up to knowing you right now, because only a legitimately crazy
person would think that spraying a tube of hemorrhoid cream onto a
face covered with hydrochloric acid would end in anything other than
a ball of flames. I guess it was the smartest thing to pull out of
the medicine cabinet, but apparently it only puts out one kind of
burning, and reacts violently with hydrochloric acid. And by the way,
you owe me a tube of hemorrhoid cream. You can keep that one, because
I would love to see the look on the face of the cop that searches
your pockets. But I won't see that, because I'm not going to jail.
Seriously now, everyone will think
you're crazy if you try and tell them what went down here. “How
would they attach balloons to their knuckles?” they'll say, then
laugh in your face and call you crazy. No one will figure out we used
tape. And there are enough meth-lab explosions around here to explain
away all the people with glasses showing up in the emergency room
with chemically burned faces, so we're covered on that angle too.
Now I'm no lawyer, if you want to split
hairs technically I'm a janitor,
but don't tell anyone where you were or what you were doing when this
happened. They'll give you the right to remain silent, I suggest you
take full advantage. At some point during the interrogation an
officer will come through the door pretending to be your friend. This
is a lie. There are no friends in prison. Any of the ex-cons here
will tell you that.
Oh wow, you can totally hear the
sirens. There's a lot of them coming. No chance running now, what
were you thinking just standing here the whole time I've been
talking? Wait! Some advice. The only job they'll give you once you
get out of prison will involve pushing a broom around, so don't bust
your brain getting a G.E.D or anything like that while you're inside.
The good part of your life is pretty much over, is what I'm saying,
and I'm really proud of you actually. Taking one for the team like
this. I can't believe how lucky I am to have such swell friends, who
bring people I don't know around to pin crimes on. Oh wow, there's
like 3 cruisers on the lawn. You should lie down with your hands
behind your head, they like it when they get to put you on the
ground. If you're out in time, you should come to my next party, a
Northern Michigan key party! You pick a set of keys out of a bowl,
and then your hands are duct taped to the steeri.... okay, I guess
you want to hear your rights. Thanks for coming!
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