Season Opener at the Watford Parsley Festival

As summer winds down, once the beaches around Grand Bend have turned into a biohazard unfit for human recreation but somehow not unfit for human consumption, the rural citizens of Southern Ontario turn their focus inland to celebrate the things that grew there like tomatoes, livestock and monster trucks. Mostly known for being unnecessary, The Watford Parsley Festival is an event where everything from weather to good ideas to public hygiene starts a long downhill slide, making it widely regarded for firing the resounding cannon-shot which marks the line between Summer and Fall. Pushing aside the terrible implications for humanity, Watford does exist, and it promised a ride, a band and food, so Piss-Awesome Journalism was on hand to be awash in the revery, y'all.

Set on a field behind the Watford town arena, the festival kicked off on Thursday evening with the parsley bake off, an annual tradition wherein coloured ribbons are awarded for the most creative and delicious use of parsley. One woman baked her parsley, which gave it a nice crispness. One woman deep-fried a bunch of parsley. The resulting dish was ashy and soaked in oil and possibly made a bunch of people vomit, but given that a great many things about Watford are vomit inducing we'll never know for sure. The winner of the parsley bake off was an out-of-towner who asked that her name be redacted because she doesn't want anyone to know she was in Watford, since Watford based discrimination is totally fair game in Canada and will be for a long time, so she could lose her job. The woman braised the parsley for hours with cherry wood, which gave the dried parsley a smoky flavour. It was enough to give her 1^st place and was pretty much the only nice thing that happened all weekend.

After everyone got parsley stuck in their teeth it was time for a Lynard Skynnard tribute band that I can't print name of without feeling really bad for Black people. The band came out and played Sweet Home Alabama eight times before leaving the stage due to explosion. Just in front of the stage was Piss-Awesome Journalism's resident expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder with his arm around the recently released from prison Dirtbag Terry. Both were carrying mason jars half full of clear liquid. When asked how he was enjoying the festival, Goose-Shredder yelled, “This guy found me some moonshine!” and began listing facts about parsley that could only come out of a broken brain. “Hey guy! Hey!! Listen. Parsley is NOT poor man's oregano. Parsley is important shit. Parsley was used as a fuel stabilizer for the shuttle program. Parsley makes bears sneeze to death. Parsley set the world record for high jump in 1976.” Goose-Shredder then stumbled back a few steps and turned his attention to his cell phone, saying, “Here, but I'm gonna get serious about my job though now. I'm going to get some real facts, Betty. I'm gonna tell my wife how serious about my job I'm gonna get.” Upon hearing this, a good friend thought it would be best if Goose-Shredder 'lost' his moonshine, which Dirtbag Terry was holding. While Goose-Shredder was re-learning how to send a text message, Dirtbag Terry threw a half-full jar at one of his friends on stage and was quickly escorted into a ditch by Constable McBrady O'Riley, who was moonlighting as security for the festival. Const. O'Riley used his police skills to find out exactly which car the bootleggers were selling out of so he could extort a percentage of their profits. Goose-Shredder didn't notice Dirtbag Terry had disappeared once his attention returned to the fairgrounds, nor did he recall that he had been in possession of some 180 proof grain alcohol only minutes before. He might not be an expert on anything anymore, since he soaked his brain in poison, and everyone at Piss-Awesome Journalism hopes for no long-term damage.

In the middle of the band's eighth encore of Sweet Home Alabama a firework display was set off to put a cap on the first night of the Watford Parsley Festival. After three green explosions and a smattering of sarcastic applause the cannon that symbolizes the line between our idyllic Summers and humanity's inevitable downfall was fired. It went off with a great bang that caused at least three heart attacks and a massive fireball when the projectile struck a car full of grain alcohol in the parking lot. The fireball destroyed eight cars worth an estimated $650 and garnered a round of applause from everyone getting an insurance payout, which people in Watford call a “Job”.

The Parsley Festival continues through the weekend, with hayrides for the kids, a pancake breakfast on Saturday and the closing barbecue on Sunday. For directions, just follow the line of black smoke coming off the car fire which more Watfordians are committing insurance fraud every day. Apparently Goose-Shredder received a reply to his text message, which means it hit a random citizen. If you received a text message from Goose-Shredder Thursday night, just ignore it, and it's not sexual harassment because he thought you were his wife.