Canada Just Happy Iran Noticed

In a rare manoeuvre that experts are calling “a double take-sies back-sies” Canada has severed diplomatic ties with Iran, while Iran has called Canada stupid and seriously, why would you ever want to go there and also they're assholes.

Earlier this week Canada's Foreign Affairs Minister told Piss-Awesome Journalism to “Tell that Iran that we're not talking to them.” and someone else with some time to waste ran with the story, enabling another all too common instance of Canada behaving like a smug feline that pisses in your shoe and hopes you notice before it slinks away, but if you don't notice well-then-that-just-proves-the-point-now-doesn't-it. Luckily for Canada's ego, Iran acknowledged Canada's little stunt. On Wednesday, the Iran Foreign Ministry issued a travel advisory for the citizen they let travel to the Great Satan by mistake. According to the Iranian Foreign Ministry there is a fear that Iranian citizens in Canada might be targeted because we're afraid of their awesomeness or something.

What is already being described as a diplomatic row was escalated Wednesday during Iranian President Mahmaoud Adminijihappab's speech to the United Nations General Assembly. In a laid back, free-formed speech Adminijaab expanded on his Foreign Ministry's points, saying “Have you ever seen Saskatoon? It's more depressing than Iraq, because at least you know why Iraq sucks. Iraq got bombed to shit. Iraq has a reason. Saskatoon just sucks. I mean the whole city smells like wasted potential, like rotten cookie dough. It's just embarrassing.” Admittajabb then ran over his allotted time when he picked up the mic and started doing some improvised crowd work. “Hey Poland's here, Poland's in the crowd. You know what I like about Poland? Cheap whores. Heyo! But seriously, Poland is full of whores and the righteous will burn them for it.” It was at this point that the delegations from USA, Canada and a few European Union members walked out of the UN General Assembly hall in protest. “The guy has had years to put together a solid twenty minutes, and here he is making up nonsense and wasting everyone's time.” a delegate from the USA said, “Every year he seems less like an evil mastermind and more like someone who wants to be an evil mastermind. It's about time for him to pack it in.”

International relations experts have sighed heavily and turned away from their lunches to speak on the now full fledged and totally real diplomatic row. “It was a pragmatic decision on Canada's part,” Ovaltine Goose-Shredder said Thursday, “Canada barely has any economic relations with Iran because of the economic sanctions and Canada wouldn't be taking the lead in any diplomatic talks. It will be the United States or an International Regulatory Body that gets to sit down at the grown-ups table. Canada decided to stop paying someone to sit in a room and twiddle their thumbs and then made a big show about leaving. And some goon took the bait. This is two countries enabling each others worst habits. Canada gets to pretend they matter and Iran gets to play the victim. Now let me get back to my chicken salad.” Goose-Shredder then spent the rest of the interview complaining about the chopped olives in his sandwich, because honestly, who does that?

Probably the biggest revelation of the day came when Canada's Immigration Minister admitted that there has been a systematic, legislated framework for mistreating Iranian citizens within Canada for decades. “I'm surprised it took them this long to catch on,” he said Thursday, “We lead Iranians straight through customs and into a snake pit. Well, that or they get a choice to fight a moose. If they win we let them go back to Iran. If they lose they get snake pitted. I don't know why this is news to anyone, the fights are broadcast late nights on CTV. Ultimate Moose Fights is the highest rated anything, ever.” The Right-Honourable Minister then elaborated on exactly why this diplomatic row started in the first place, saying “People just don't think Canada is capable of behaving badly. I mean, no one even remembers that whole Afgan torture thing! It's about time Canada changed it's mild-mannered image. We're going to start pissing people off. This means that from now on Prime Minister Harper will wear a leather jacket and swing a bike chain at international gatherings, so watch out, Cambodia.” The Immigration Minister then dropped the mic and walked away from the podium yelling, “Yeah, who's got the balls now?”

Experts agree, still not Canada.

Season Opener at the Watford Parsley Festival

As summer winds down, once the beaches around Grand Bend have turned into a biohazard unfit for human recreation but somehow not unfit for human consumption, the rural citizens of Southern Ontario turn their focus inland to celebrate the things that grew there like tomatoes, livestock and monster trucks. Mostly known for being unnecessary, The Watford Parsley Festival is an event where everything from weather to good ideas to public hygiene starts a long downhill slide, making it widely regarded for firing the resounding cannon-shot which marks the line between Summer and Fall. Pushing aside the terrible implications for humanity, Watford does exist, and it promised a ride, a band and food, so Piss-Awesome Journalism was on hand to be awash in the revery, y'all.

Set on a field behind the Watford town arena, the festival kicked off on Thursday evening with the parsley bake off, an annual tradition wherein coloured ribbons are awarded for the most creative and delicious use of parsley. One woman baked her parsley, which gave it a nice crispness. One woman deep-fried a bunch of parsley. The resulting dish was ashy and soaked in oil and possibly made a bunch of people vomit, but given that a great many things about Watford are vomit inducing we'll never know for sure. The winner of the parsley bake off was an out-of-towner who asked that her name be redacted because she doesn't want anyone to know she was in Watford, since Watford based discrimination is totally fair game in Canada and will be for a long time, so she could lose her job. The woman braised the parsley for hours with cherry wood, which gave the dried parsley a smoky flavour. It was enough to give her 1^st place and was pretty much the only nice thing that happened all weekend.

After everyone got parsley stuck in their teeth it was time for a Lynard Skynnard tribute band that I can't print name of without feeling really bad for Black people. The band came out and played Sweet Home Alabama eight times before leaving the stage due to explosion. Just in front of the stage was Piss-Awesome Journalism's resident expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder with his arm around the recently released from prison Dirtbag Terry. Both were carrying mason jars half full of clear liquid. When asked how he was enjoying the festival, Goose-Shredder yelled, “This guy found me some moonshine!” and began listing facts about parsley that could only come out of a broken brain. “Hey guy! Hey!! Listen. Parsley is NOT poor man's oregano. Parsley is important shit. Parsley was used as a fuel stabilizer for the shuttle program. Parsley makes bears sneeze to death. Parsley set the world record for high jump in 1976.” Goose-Shredder then stumbled back a few steps and turned his attention to his cell phone, saying, “Here, but I'm gonna get serious about my job though now. I'm going to get some real facts, Betty. I'm gonna tell my wife how serious about my job I'm gonna get.” Upon hearing this, a good friend thought it would be best if Goose-Shredder 'lost' his moonshine, which Dirtbag Terry was holding. While Goose-Shredder was re-learning how to send a text message, Dirtbag Terry threw a half-full jar at one of his friends on stage and was quickly escorted into a ditch by Constable McBrady O'Riley, who was moonlighting as security for the festival. Const. O'Riley used his police skills to find out exactly which car the bootleggers were selling out of so he could extort a percentage of their profits. Goose-Shredder didn't notice Dirtbag Terry had disappeared once his attention returned to the fairgrounds, nor did he recall that he had been in possession of some 180 proof grain alcohol only minutes before. He might not be an expert on anything anymore, since he soaked his brain in poison, and everyone at Piss-Awesome Journalism hopes for no long-term damage.

In the middle of the band's eighth encore of Sweet Home Alabama a firework display was set off to put a cap on the first night of the Watford Parsley Festival. After three green explosions and a smattering of sarcastic applause the cannon that symbolizes the line between our idyllic Summers and humanity's inevitable downfall was fired. It went off with a great bang that caused at least three heart attacks and a massive fireball when the projectile struck a car full of grain alcohol in the parking lot. The fireball destroyed eight cars worth an estimated $650 and garnered a round of applause from everyone getting an insurance payout, which people in Watford call a “Job”.

The Parsley Festival continues through the weekend, with hayrides for the kids, a pancake breakfast on Saturday and the closing barbecue on Sunday. For directions, just follow the line of black smoke coming off the car fire which more Watfordians are committing insurance fraud every day. Apparently Goose-Shredder received a reply to his text message, which means it hit a random citizen. If you received a text message from Goose-Shredder Thursday night, just ignore it, and it's not sexual harassment because he thought you were his wife.