In a rare manoeuvre that experts are
calling “a double take-sies back-sies” Canada has severed diplomatic ties with Iran, while Iran has called Canada stupid and
seriously, why would you ever want to go there and also they're
assholes.
Earlier this week Canada's Foreign
Affairs Minister told Piss-Awesome Journalism to “Tell that Iran
that we're not talking to them.” and someone else with some time to
waste ran with the story, enabling another all too common instance of
Canada behaving like a smug feline that pisses in your shoe and hopes
you notice before it slinks away, but if you don't notice
well-then-that-just-proves-the-point-now-doesn't-it. Luckily for
Canada's ego, Iran acknowledged Canada's little stunt. On Wednesday,
the Iran Foreign Ministry issued a travel advisory for the citizen
they let travel to the Great Satan by mistake. According to the
Iranian Foreign Ministry there is a fear that Iranian citizens in
Canada might be targeted because we're afraid of their awesomeness or
something.
What is already being described as a
diplomatic row was escalated Wednesday during Iranian President
Mahmaoud Adminijihappab's speech to the United Nations General
Assembly. In a laid back, free-formed speech Adminijaab expanded on
his Foreign Ministry's points, saying “Have you ever seen
Saskatoon? It's more depressing than Iraq, because at least you know
why Iraq sucks. Iraq got bombed to shit. Iraq has a reason. Saskatoon
just sucks. I mean the whole city smells like wasted potential, like
rotten cookie dough. It's just embarrassing.” Admittajabb then ran
over his allotted time when he picked up the mic and started doing
some improvised crowd work. “Hey Poland's here, Poland's in the
crowd. You know what I like about Poland? Cheap whores. Heyo! But
seriously, Poland is full of whores and the righteous will burn them
for it.” It was at this point that the delegations from USA, Canada
and a few European Union members walked out of the UN General
Assembly hall in protest. “The guy has had years to put together a
solid twenty minutes, and here he is making up nonsense and wasting
everyone's time.” a delegate from the USA said, “Every year he
seems less like an evil mastermind and more like someone who wants to
be an evil mastermind. It's about time for him to pack it in.”
International relations experts have
sighed heavily and turned away from their lunches to speak on the now
full fledged and totally real diplomatic row. “It was a pragmatic
decision on Canada's part,” Ovaltine Goose-Shredder said Thursday,
“Canada barely has any economic relations with Iran because of the
economic sanctions and Canada wouldn't be taking the lead in any
diplomatic talks. It will be the United States or an International Regulatory Body that gets to sit down at the grown-ups table. Canada
decided to stop paying someone to sit in a room and twiddle their
thumbs and then made a big show about leaving. And some goon took the
bait. This is two countries enabling each others worst habits. Canada
gets to pretend they matter and Iran gets to play the victim. Now let
me get back to my chicken salad.” Goose-Shredder then spent the
rest of the interview complaining about the chopped olives in his
sandwich, because honestly, who does that?
Probably the biggest revelation of the
day came when Canada's Immigration Minister admitted that there has
been a systematic, legislated framework for mistreating Iranian
citizens within Canada for decades. “I'm surprised it took them
this long to catch on,” he said Thursday, “We lead Iranians
straight through customs and into a snake pit. Well, that or they get
a choice to fight a moose. If they win we let them go back to Iran.
If they lose they get snake pitted. I don't know why this is news to
anyone, the fights are broadcast late nights on CTV. Ultimate Moose
Fights is the highest rated anything, ever.” The Right-Honourable
Minister then elaborated on exactly why this diplomatic row started
in the first place, saying “People just don't think Canada is
capable of behaving badly. I mean, no one even remembers that whole
Afgan torture thing! It's about time Canada changed it's
mild-mannered image. We're going to start pissing people off. This
means that from now on Prime Minister Harper will wear a leather
jacket and swing a bike chain at international gatherings, so watch
out, Cambodia.” The Immigration Minister then dropped the mic and
walked away from the podium yelling, “Yeah, who's got the balls
now?”
Experts agree, still not Canada.
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