Lottery Tickets Completely Replace Canadian Currency

Several times this week The Preacher Firestone has broken from his street corner auctioneer cadence to sing a bar from Jet Airliner by The Steve Miller Band. The line he keeps interrupting his now nine month sermon with, “You've you got to go through hell before you, get to heaven”, would bode ominously if it weren't so damn catchy, and instead of doom tends to spark general music discussion amongst passers by. “You know, I almost thought I liked an Adele song,” Citizen Danny said Thursday, “but it turned out to be by Serena Ryder. That Steve Miller Band does alright.” Amongst the conversations started, passers-by have been dropping lottery tickets at Firestone's feet like he's a hard luck busker, lottery tickets that will pay out pretty much all the money in Canada to whoever picks the correct minute that Firestone stops his speech.

The lottery tickets have become the new one dollar denominations of Canadian currency, and have been bought up by the bucketful after the Canadian government allowed citizens to buy as many tickets as they want for any specific minute that they think Firestone will collapse, giving them a share of the grand prize with anyone else who has a ticket for that minute. The rules had to be changed to free up lines in every convenience store across the country, as hundreds of lottery buyers would rotate in lines for weeks in order to get more tickets for the massive lottery. “It took a matter of days for all of Canada's money to get tied up in these tickets.” Finance Minister Jim Flaherty said Thursday. “We didn't think everyone would spend all their money on these tickets. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed in everyone right now.” When asked if he had bought any tickets, Finance Minister Jim Flaherty coughed and glanced at his feet, saying, “Well, I mean, he's been talking for 9 months, ya know he's gonna die soon. That's just science.”

Axel Hjalmar, figurehead of the anti-Google resistance movement, has called Firestone's singing “the dirty trick of a filthy man.” Hjalmar believes that the Preacher is singing with a deliberate aim to collect lottery tickets from his followers, and with the tickets being for a lottery which Firestone wholly controls the outcome of, the situation presents a clear conflict of interest. “The interests do not conflict for [Firestone]. He can now grant himself all the currency in Canada by deciding to stop his sermon at the time displayed on his tickets.” Hjalmar said via a staticy satellite uplink, “Calling it a conflict of interest implies that his interests align with the rest of humanity's, and shows the kind of powerless stature we occupy when faced with the interests of the Google and it's supporters.” Hjalmar ended his transmission by reminding everyone that “if [we] continually prove ourselves submissive subsidizers, [we] will surely get what [we] deserve.”

Economic experts are worried about what they see as a looming financial meltdown. “Oh shit, what if no one wins?” Citizen Danny said late Thursday, highlighting the fact that if Firestone does not stop his sermon before the date on the last ticket sold all of Canada's money would be locked away from the populace, provoking a financial crisis. “That would be fucking wild, right?” Danny commented. “Right?”

Analysts Say the Earth Has Passed Peak Subway

Peak Subway was reached this week when a Subway franchise located in the north London Hyde Park neighbourhood was closed after it had been opened. The closing has shocked analysts who, after watching the fast food chain open franchises in every available retail plaza in North America, didn't believe a limit could be reached. Citizen Danny, Piss Awesome Journalism's new go-to guy for a comment on anything, commented Thursday outside the Coveant Garden Market, saying “You can't drive two blocks without passing a Subway, and more are popping up every day. I was worried they would become every store everywhere, so I'm pretty stoked to hear they're mortal.” Subway seemed omnipotent in the retail landscape by going way past all reasonable projections of how many mediocre sandwich shops North America can support. “I never thought they were going to stop.” Danny said, “but I'm so glad they did.”

Subway President Fred de Luca has been denying peak Subway with increasing anger since that study was published when I drove past the closed Subway on Tuesday, saying, “There is no limit to the amount of Subway brand sandwiches the world can handle! People will buy one just to fire it at the sun! That's how bad people need our brand, they're not even hungry and they still have to buy!” In what most Journalists in attendance are calling 'the best thing they've seen since GWAR', de Luca then rode a firehose of thousand island dressing over the press conference while shrieking “Subway Over the World! Forever Forever Forever!”

Citizen Danny disagrees. “He may be biased in his opinion of Subway, and like, ignoring how normal people act because he would rather the world operate in a way that would make his company the best thing ever.” Constable McBrady O'Riley, London's New York style cop, was stopped for comment outside London Police Services late Thursday, saying of the Subway closing, “Yeah, I guess that happened.”

While the future of Subway as a global monolith now looks uncertain, one thing is for sure, I really wish Ovaltine Goose-Shredder was around to comment.