Several times this week The Preacher
Firestone has broken from his street corner auctioneer cadence to
sing a bar from Jet Airliner by The Steve Miller Band. The line he
keeps interrupting his now nine month sermon with, “You've you got
to go through hell before you, get to heaven”, would bode ominously
if it weren't so damn catchy, and instead of doom tends to spark
general music discussion amongst passers by. “You know, I almost
thought I liked an Adele song,” Citizen Danny said Thursday, “but
it turned out to be by Serena Ryder. That Steve Miller Band does
alright.” Amongst the conversations started, passers-by have been
dropping lottery tickets at Firestone's feet like he's a hard luck
busker, lottery tickets that will pay out pretty much all the money
in Canada to whoever picks the correct minute that Firestone stops
his speech.
The lottery tickets have become the new
one dollar denominations of Canadian currency, and have been bought
up by the bucketful after the Canadian government allowed citizens to
buy as many tickets as they want for any specific minute that they
think Firestone will collapse, giving them a share of the grand prize
with anyone else who has a ticket for that minute. The rules had to
be changed to free up lines in every convenience store across the
country, as hundreds of lottery buyers would rotate in lines for
weeks in order to get more tickets for the massive lottery. “It
took a matter of days for all of Canada's money to get tied up in
these tickets.” Finance Minister Jim Flaherty said Thursday. “We
didn't think everyone would spend all
their money on these tickets. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed in
everyone right now.” When asked if he had bought any tickets,
Finance Minister Jim Flaherty coughed and glanced at his feet,
saying, “Well, I mean, he's been talking for 9 months, ya know he's
gonna die soon. That's just science.”
Axel Hjalmar, figurehead of the
anti-Google resistance movement, has called Firestone's singing “the
dirty trick of a filthy man.” Hjalmar believes that the Preacher is
singing with a deliberate aim to collect lottery tickets from his
followers, and with the tickets being for a lottery which Firestone
wholly controls the outcome of, the situation presents a clear
conflict of interest. “The interests do not conflict for
[Firestone]. He can now grant himself all the currency in Canada by
deciding to stop his sermon at the time displayed on his tickets.”
Hjalmar said via a staticy satellite uplink, “Calling it a conflict
of interest implies that his interests align with the rest of
humanity's, and shows the kind of powerless stature we occupy when
faced with the interests of the Google and it's supporters.”
Hjalmar ended his transmission by reminding everyone that “if [we]
continually prove ourselves submissive subsidizers, [we] will surely
get what [we] deserve.”
Economic experts are worried about what
they see as a looming financial meltdown. “Oh shit, what if no one
wins?” Citizen Danny said late Thursday, highlighting the fact that
if Firestone does not stop his sermon before the date on the last
ticket sold all of Canada's money would be locked away from the
populace, provoking a financial crisis. “That would be fucking
wild, right?” Danny commented. “Right?”
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