Peak Subway was reached this week when
a Subway franchise located in the north London Hyde Park
neighbourhood was closed after it had been opened. The closing has
shocked analysts who, after watching the fast food chain open
franchises in every available retail plaza in North America, didn't
believe a limit could be reached. Citizen Danny, Piss Awesome
Journalism's new go-to guy for a comment on anything, commented
Thursday outside the Coveant Garden Market, saying “You can't drive
two blocks without passing a Subway, and more are popping up every
day. I was worried they would become every store everywhere, so I'm
pretty stoked to hear they're mortal.” Subway seemed omnipotent in
the retail landscape by going way past all reasonable projections of
how many mediocre sandwich shops North America can support. “I
never thought they were going to stop.” Danny said, “but I'm so
glad they did.”
Subway President Fred de Luca has been
denying peak Subway with increasing anger since that study was
published when I drove past the closed Subway on Tuesday, saying,
“There is no limit to the amount of Subway brand sandwiches the
world can handle! People will buy one just to fire it at the sun!
That's how bad people need our brand, they're not even hungry and
they still have to buy!” In what most Journalists in attendance are
calling 'the best thing they've seen since GWAR', de Luca then rode a
firehose of thousand island dressing over the press conference while
shrieking “Subway Over the World! Forever Forever Forever!”
Citizen Danny disagrees. “He may be
biased in his opinion of Subway, and like, ignoring how normal people
act because he would rather the world operate in a way that would
make his company the best thing ever.” Constable McBrady O'Riley,
London's New York style cop, was stopped for comment outside London
Police Services late Thursday, saying of the Subway closing, “Yeah,
I guess that happened.”
While the future of Subway as a global
monolith now looks uncertain, one thing is for sure, I really wish
Ovaltine Goose-Shredder was around to comment.
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