Quebec Fires All Public Sector Employees to Avoid Offending Anyone

The Government of Quebec has fired every person working in the public sector instead of going ahead with their proposed Charter of Values. The Charter of Values, a bill designed to keep the public from being offended by any individual who works for the province, has been scrapped by Quebec Premier Pauline Marois in favour of just enforcing the spirit of the Charter by doing away with government employees altogether. “[By firing everyone] we could avoid the problems that arise with employing individuals, like the offensive things they occasionally say or the totally normal ideas they always hold. Anything that could possibly be considered offensive, it's all been smoothed out now.” This means that in Quebec, as of early Thursday, there are no teachers, no judges, no paramedics, no doctors, no firefighters, no garbage-men, no one to cut the grass in the parks and no one to make sure the water stays on. “Now that the police have all been fired, the provincial detachment is staffed entirely by German Shepherds,” reports PAJ's Resident Municipal Disaster Expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder. “Now when people steal things, they just pretend to throw it and the law is rendered helpless. A crime wave of unimaginable proportions is streaking across the province as we speak.”

Premier Marois explained how the provincial government arrived at the decision to let everyone go. “The Charter of Values was and is a policy that needs to exist in Quebec, but drawn up in law it presented a slippery slope. If you're going to ban people from wearing symbols that represent ideas they value, you might as well be fair about it and ban the Fleur de Lis too. And pictures of Martin Luther King. And the Canadian flag. In fact, ban every flag. Abolish all symbols. No more countries, no more borders. No more language. No more anything that means anything. Everybody shut up. Everybody go home. At this point, the human experiment is over, and Quebec has ruined it for all of us. Firing all public sector employees was the better option. It allowed us to achieve our goal of provincial employees not being capable of offending anyone, and it didn't make language implode. Win win.”

Not everyone is on board with the gutting of public services and the Charter of Values that inspired it. Ovaltine Goose-Shredder says the idea of Separation of Church and State would be inappropriately applied under the Charter. “Citizens who work for the government are allowed to have their faith. Separation of Church and State just means don't copy laws word for word out of the bible.” Goose-Shredder believes that religious symbols can be worn by government employees without provoking anything nearly as drastic as making the world meaningless or offending people. “[The alternative to utter abolition of religious symbols] would be something like just letting someone wear a necklace or a scarf on their head while they process your licence plate renewal. That's what a non-insane solution to this problem looks like.” Goose-Shredder says he understands Quebecers not wanting their culture to be swallowed by anglophiles or encroached on by foreigners, but reminds them that forcible enforcement of culture shows a lack of respect for an individual's decision, which could push people away. “I know what it feels like to an extent, having watched Canadian culture struggle against Americanization, and how you can feel completely justified in official policy discriminating against other groups simply because they're 'others'. I mean, look, I get it, you're insecure about losing your culture, but just be cool Quebec. Just chill out, and maybe more people will be cool with having you around. Desperation isn't a good look on anyone, is what I'm saying. Just assume you can get by on merit and go with it.” Goose-Shredder then had a rare moment of self-awareness. “Did I just Dr. Phil a province? I feel like Dr. Phil.”

Stopped for comment outside the Covent Garden Market late Thursday, Citizen Danny detailed how his most recent interaction with a Government employee caused him to convert to Judaism, saying “I walked into the MTO, looked at the desk clerk's Star of David pin, and I'm a Jew now. I don't know how it happened. I totally thought I had my own ideas and beliefs that I'd figured through this exercise of trial and error called life, and I held those dear, but one glance at someone's necklace threw me off the chutzpah.” After some probing questions Danny admitted he was joking. “Ha! Yeah right! Saiiiyyyke! Seriously, people having different beliefs than I do doesn't bug me in the slightest. I don't know how it bothers anyone. At all. The person who collected your garbage was wearing a cross pendant? So the fuck what?”

NSA Assures World: Their Greatest Fear is Non-Internet Users

This week PAJ sat down with an agent of the NSA at a diner on a vacant corner of Lambton county. PAJ can't say which diner, because we don't want to ruin another great breakfast place by making it impossible to get a table. Going by the pseudonym Caligula Goonsquad, the agent wasn't another whistleblower, but rather was looking to enlist the help of a public he already knew too much about. “We know what most of you are after, what most of you want, it's to just go about your day, provide for your kids, your family, a roof and three squares, and deal with the least amount of bullshit possible. We get that, and we want to help.” The shadowy man in the booth who asked that we call him Caligula Goonsquad then outlined what the NSA would do to help the average citizen. “We'll interfere as little as possible, and we'll let you go about your day, as long as part of your day involves spying on the elderly for us.”

Now that the NSA has tabs on all internet users, the non-internet users have piqued their interest. “We don't know what the 'people without computers' demographic is up to. It makes us nervous, not knowing what they're up to.” The NSA agent confided that the agency is utterly convinced that our Grandparents are harbouring secrets. “They're up to something. They have to be. We know Mennonites are spending all their time raising barns, satellite imagery shows a new one every week, but the elderly are indoors, a lot, and they're doing something in there. We don't know what.” Caligula Goonsquad could not stop throwing glances at the diner's door. “Look, the NSA wants you to get into your Grandparents house, and just hang out. Then send an e-mail, tell your relatives about what Grandma's up to, more importantly, what kind of ideas your Grandma is talking about. We'll intercept your e-mails for the information about your Grandma, and we'll use the information to keep you safe, and you can feel good about being a good citizen. That's the trade.”

“What we need to know, is how they are communicating.” Caligula Goonsquad then passed a picture of a needlepoint of morning glory vines in front of a traditional red brick wall across the table. “Look at this. Is this code? Is this Berlin? If you turn the picture sideways and squint the ivy starts to look like an anarchy symbol. That's not insignificant.” He leaned back. “Just what the fuck is Muriel getting up to?” Caligula, referring to James Betty Grandmother of 27 years Muriel Betty, was evasive when asked if the NSA is responsible for dangling a car-sized microphone antenna array over Muriel's house. The same type of antenna array has been implicated in the deaths of at least four senior citizens. It is suspected that the antenna arrays are creating enough energy to cook a a person in their home. The NSA has explained on several occasions that that the elderly being cooked in their houses is none of our damn business.

Asked if he could please get the potentially deadly antenna array off my Grandmother's roof, Caligula didn't paint a favourable situation. “Alright, first, it's not our antenna, so technically, I don't even know what you're talking about. Second, it might go away if you give us the information we want, and third, if you try and destroy the antenna you will be destroying US Government property, and you will go to jail for treason because you helped terrorism.”

Distressed over what the NSA could possibly be seeing in Muriel's needlepoint, PAJ's resident cryptography expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder had a look at it. “If you use binary to decode it, it's complete gibberish. I see why they were looking for patterns in the ivy. They've got nothing, and when they want something, they make it up. Human brains are designed to look for patterns. We're so good at it we can make them out of anything.” Goose-Shredder concluded by showing his forearms. “Hey America, nothing in my hands and nothing up my sleeves, okay?”

Muriel was thankfully alive as of late Thursday, and was completely nonchalant about the microphone antenna array that was dangling over her house. “That's just one of the government's radar dishes, we used to see them everywhere back during the war. It's nothing to worry about, dearie.” Ovaltine Goose-Shredder, who scaled Muriel's roof to analyze the antenna array, confirmed that Muriel probably has nothing to worry about. “These things have a lot of electricity running through them, apparently it takes a lot of juice to hear through a roof.” He concluded that in the event of a power surge, the antenna array could potentially cook a senior citizen, “but that seems rare, like lightning strike rare, so odds are it won't happen.”

Muriel concluded the interview by wondering if the dish was part of a government assisted cable for the elderly initiative. “Will I get HGTV again?” she asked, “They have such nice living rooms on that channel.” PAJ promises, as soon as the blog gets a book deal, Grandma gets cable.

PAJ Season 4 - You Can't Make This Shit Up If It's Already Happening: A Thank You Note to the NSA

What the hell, Obama? has been the common refrain amongst almost everyone in the last weeks of summer, as the usually slow news month of August was assaulted by revelations that the NSA has been up to all the shit we thought they were. The NSA, an intelligence agency created to get past the bureaucratic safeguards built into the FBI and CIA that try and keep them from violating the American Constitution, has been using every loophole in the thousand page PATRIOT Act to spy on pretty much every internet user, confirming suspicions that while politicians may take a summer break, Government definitely doesn't.

In other terrifying summer news, the biometric robocops, a result of DNA codes created by the resistance group GASP infiltrating the Antarctic cloning base of Google, have continued to amass in numbers to the point of almost covering the frozen continent with a solid layer of green organisms hellbent on destroying technology. Thankfully for humanity and our smartphones, the biometric robocops seem hesitant to enter the Antarctic ocean. Experts speculate that their plant-like reliance on photosynthesis for energy would mimic the properties of the algae many species of plankton feed on, causing the biometric robocops to be devoured by tiny shrimp upon entering the ocean. Even though it would be a boon for whales, many environmental groups are campaigning against an international plan to push the green horde into the ocean, as the horde has become such a large carbon sink that the oxygen content of the Earth's atmosphere has risen by 2%, giving every human being a feeling of increased energy and making humanity more productive overall.

After setting sail for Antarctica in early May, Karen, the first human ever to be reanimated after death, has not made contact with PAJ in over a month. She is considered to have dropped her satellite phone in the ocean, as the GPS co-ordinates of Karen's boat are still actively being beamed to to her husband's laptop, and her last transmission to PAJ was “Oops, [splash]”. Karen is currently nearing the Antarctic peninsula, and will make landfall within days. The world's first undead human is expected to report back on the conditions of the biometric robocop horde whenever she can get to the closest phone, which experts agree is in Ushuaia, Argentina. There also exists a possibility that Karen will be destroyed upon making landfall, as no one knows how the technology smashing organisms will react to the technology used to mimic Karen's bodily functions like blood pumping and phone gripping. The International community will wait for Karen's report or demise before making a decision as to what will be done about the horde, as eyes on the continent are considered invaluable, and Karen being killed would also constitute proof of a threat.

Karen's husband, PAJ's Resident Expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder, spent his summer vacation at home building a moonshine still and showed up drunk as a poet for the first press conference of the fall season. Goose-Shredder took the opportunity to recite a poem he had written for Karen during her absence. “How can I compare thee to a carnival ride? Way the first, your affect is dizzying! Way the second, your essence wafts of high-fructose corn syrup! Way the third, your Dad has one arm, and I saw a ferris wheel attendant once and he had one arm.” At this point Goose-Shredder's poem devolved into a word for word rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler. Unfortunately PAJ doesn't have the budget for the print royalties, which is tragic because it was the only redeeming part of Goose-Shredder's press conference. He really went for it, just nailing those high notes.

Axel Hjalmar returned to the news cycle with decidedly more prepared statements, which experts attribute to his not stumbling back from summer vacation with jars of white lightning. Hjalmar wasted no time and addressed the NSA spying revelations via satellite uplink from a secure location. The leader of Google is Actually Slaughtering People [GASP] was shocked to discover that Google revealed itself to be the malicious entity it is over his summer holiday. He then took ten minutes to explain that it was the timing of the revelation that shocked him, not the maliciousness of Google.“While I was always certain that it would eventually be the case that Google was spying on us, I thought it would be five years down the road, when smartphones performed functions like displaying Government Issued ID and performing banking transactions. Essentially when they replaced the wallet, that's when Google would turn into a malicious corporation.”

Hjalmar believes the revelation of Google's malfeasance will profoundly effect humanity. “GASP's recruitment levels will swell, [Google's collusion with the the NSA] is not a thing that could just fade from the public consciousness, one is reminded every time one looks at their phone that they are being recorded, documented and betrayed by the corporate entities that they have entered into a trust with. There is no chance of this fading from the public consciousness.” Hjalmar stressed the importance for GASP to get the biometric robocops off Antarctica and onto the mainland, where the cloned army can “fulfill their destinies as technology smashing banshees.” Polls conducted by PAJ have found little support amongst North Americans for letting an aggressively destructive scientific abomination run rampant through their homes and neighbourhoods.

It was at this point that Hjalmar's metaphor for his aspirations for GASP really got away from him, and showed how he could take ten minutes to explain a simple sentence. “Now is the point of the ramp up. The resistance to Google must ascend. We must be like a skateboarder going up a ramp, but his height will be our resistance, and when he gets to the top of his ramp, he will keep going up, instead of going down. Keeping going up and up, and when he gets to space the skateboarder doesn't die. He doesn't die, but rather wins.” Realizing that his previous sentence had laid waste to both grammar and logic, Hjalmar tried to close with a concise point. “GASP must be like Tony Hawk jumping to space.”

Stopped for comment outside the Coveant Garden Market Thursday, Citizen Danny was incensed at the latest news of the NSA having a hand in designing loopholes in security software to give themselves access to people's supposedly private bank and medical records. “Damnit America, stop validating my paranoia!” he yelled. “Do you know how many years I've spent trying to deprogram all the conspiracy theories in my head? And now they're all just fucking true? Do you realize what kind of step backwards this is for my sanity? For everyone's sanity?” At this point Danny's rage devolved his words into an incomprehensible sputtering, and his mouth floundered around for a few seconds before screaming the only syllables he could put together coherently. “FUCK YOU!”