Quebec Fires All Public Sector Employees to Avoid Offending Anyone

The Government of Quebec has fired every person working in the public sector instead of going ahead with their proposed Charter of Values. The Charter of Values, a bill designed to keep the public from being offended by any individual who works for the province, has been scrapped by Quebec Premier Pauline Marois in favour of just enforcing the spirit of the Charter by doing away with government employees altogether. “[By firing everyone] we could avoid the problems that arise with employing individuals, like the offensive things they occasionally say or the totally normal ideas they always hold. Anything that could possibly be considered offensive, it's all been smoothed out now.” This means that in Quebec, as of early Thursday, there are no teachers, no judges, no paramedics, no doctors, no firefighters, no garbage-men, no one to cut the grass in the parks and no one to make sure the water stays on. “Now that the police have all been fired, the provincial detachment is staffed entirely by German Shepherds,” reports PAJ's Resident Municipal Disaster Expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder. “Now when people steal things, they just pretend to throw it and the law is rendered helpless. A crime wave of unimaginable proportions is streaking across the province as we speak.”

Premier Marois explained how the provincial government arrived at the decision to let everyone go. “The Charter of Values was and is a policy that needs to exist in Quebec, but drawn up in law it presented a slippery slope. If you're going to ban people from wearing symbols that represent ideas they value, you might as well be fair about it and ban the Fleur de Lis too. And pictures of Martin Luther King. And the Canadian flag. In fact, ban every flag. Abolish all symbols. No more countries, no more borders. No more language. No more anything that means anything. Everybody shut up. Everybody go home. At this point, the human experiment is over, and Quebec has ruined it for all of us. Firing all public sector employees was the better option. It allowed us to achieve our goal of provincial employees not being capable of offending anyone, and it didn't make language implode. Win win.”

Not everyone is on board with the gutting of public services and the Charter of Values that inspired it. Ovaltine Goose-Shredder says the idea of Separation of Church and State would be inappropriately applied under the Charter. “Citizens who work for the government are allowed to have their faith. Separation of Church and State just means don't copy laws word for word out of the bible.” Goose-Shredder believes that religious symbols can be worn by government employees without provoking anything nearly as drastic as making the world meaningless or offending people. “[The alternative to utter abolition of religious symbols] would be something like just letting someone wear a necklace or a scarf on their head while they process your licence plate renewal. That's what a non-insane solution to this problem looks like.” Goose-Shredder says he understands Quebecers not wanting their culture to be swallowed by anglophiles or encroached on by foreigners, but reminds them that forcible enforcement of culture shows a lack of respect for an individual's decision, which could push people away. “I know what it feels like to an extent, having watched Canadian culture struggle against Americanization, and how you can feel completely justified in official policy discriminating against other groups simply because they're 'others'. I mean, look, I get it, you're insecure about losing your culture, but just be cool Quebec. Just chill out, and maybe more people will be cool with having you around. Desperation isn't a good look on anyone, is what I'm saying. Just assume you can get by on merit and go with it.” Goose-Shredder then had a rare moment of self-awareness. “Did I just Dr. Phil a province? I feel like Dr. Phil.”

Stopped for comment outside the Covent Garden Market late Thursday, Citizen Danny detailed how his most recent interaction with a Government employee caused him to convert to Judaism, saying “I walked into the MTO, looked at the desk clerk's Star of David pin, and I'm a Jew now. I don't know how it happened. I totally thought I had my own ideas and beliefs that I'd figured through this exercise of trial and error called life, and I held those dear, but one glance at someone's necklace threw me off the chutzpah.” After some probing questions Danny admitted he was joking. “Ha! Yeah right! Saiiiyyyke! Seriously, people having different beliefs than I do doesn't bug me in the slightest. I don't know how it bothers anyone. At all. The person who collected your garbage was wearing a cross pendant? So the fuck what?”