What the hell, Obama? has been the
common refrain amongst almost everyone in the last weeks of summer,
as the usually slow news month of August was assaulted by revelations
that the NSA has been up to all the shit we thought they were. The
NSA, an intelligence agency created to get past the bureaucratic
safeguards built into the FBI and CIA that try and keep them from
violating the American Constitution, has been using every loophole in
the thousand page PATRIOT Act to spy on pretty much every internet user, confirming suspicions that while politicians may take a summer
break, Government definitely doesn't.
In other terrifying summer news, the
biometric robocops, a result of DNA codes created by the resistance
group GASP infiltrating the Antarctic cloning base of Google, have
continued to amass in numbers to the point of almost covering the
frozen continent with a solid layer of green organisms hellbent on
destroying technology. Thankfully for humanity and our smartphones,
the biometric robocops seem hesitant to enter the Antarctic ocean.
Experts speculate that their plant-like reliance on photosynthesis
for energy would mimic the properties of the algae many species of
plankton feed on, causing the biometric robocops to be devoured by
tiny shrimp upon entering the ocean. Even though it would be a boon
for whales, many environmental groups are campaigning against an
international plan to push the green horde into the ocean, as the
horde has become such a large carbon sink that the oxygen content of
the Earth's atmosphere has risen by 2%, giving every human being a
feeling of increased energy and making humanity more productive
overall.
After setting sail for Antarctica in
early May, Karen, the first human ever to be reanimated after death,
has not made contact with PAJ in over a month. She is considered to
have dropped her satellite phone in the ocean, as the GPS
co-ordinates of Karen's boat are still actively being beamed to to
her husband's laptop, and her last transmission to PAJ was “Oops,
[splash]”. Karen is currently nearing the Antarctic peninsula, and
will make landfall within days. The world's first undead human is
expected to report back on the conditions of the biometric robocop
horde whenever she can get to the closest phone, which experts agree
is in Ushuaia, Argentina. There also exists a possibility that Karen
will be destroyed upon making landfall, as no one knows how the
technology smashing organisms will react to the technology used to
mimic Karen's bodily functions like blood pumping and phone gripping.
The International community will wait for Karen's report or demise
before making a decision as to what will be done about the horde, as
eyes on the continent are considered invaluable, and Karen being
killed would also constitute proof of a threat.
Karen's husband, PAJ's Resident Expert
Ovaltine Goose-Shredder, spent his summer vacation at home building a moonshine still and showed up drunk as a poet for the first press
conference of the fall season. Goose-Shredder took the opportunity to
recite a poem he had written for Karen during her absence. “How can
I compare thee to a carnival ride? Way the first, your affect is
dizzying! Way the second, your essence wafts of high-fructose corn
syrup! Way the third, your Dad has one arm, and I saw a ferris wheel attendant once
and he had one arm.” At this point Goose-Shredder's poem devolved
into a word for word rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart by
Bonnie Tyler. Unfortunately PAJ doesn't have the budget for the print
royalties, which is tragic because it was the only redeeming part of
Goose-Shredder's press conference. He really went for it, just
nailing those high notes.
Axel Hjalmar returned to the news cycle
with decidedly more prepared statements, which experts attribute to
his not stumbling back from summer vacation with jars of white
lightning. Hjalmar wasted no time and addressed the NSA spying
revelations via satellite uplink from a secure location. The leader
of Google is Actually Slaughtering People [GASP] was shocked to
discover that Google revealed itself to be the malicious entity it is
over his summer holiday. He then took ten minutes to explain that it
was the timing of the revelation that shocked him, not the
maliciousness of Google.“While I was always certain that it would
eventually be the case that Google was spying on us, I thought it
would be five years down the road, when smartphones performed
functions like displaying Government Issued ID and performing banking
transactions. Essentially when they replaced the wallet, that's when
Google would turn into a malicious corporation.”
Hjalmar believes the revelation of
Google's malfeasance will profoundly effect humanity. “GASP's
recruitment levels will swell, [Google's collusion with the the NSA]
is not a thing that could just fade from the public consciousness,
one is reminded every time one looks at their phone that they are
being recorded, documented and betrayed by the corporate entities
that they have entered into a trust with. There is no chance of this
fading from the public consciousness.” Hjalmar stressed the
importance for GASP to get the biometric robocops off Antarctica and
onto the mainland, where the cloned army can “fulfill their
destinies as technology smashing banshees.” Polls conducted by PAJ
have found little support amongst North Americans for letting an
aggressively destructive scientific abomination run rampant through
their homes and neighbourhoods.
It was at this point that Hjalmar's
metaphor for his aspirations for GASP really got away from him, and
showed how he could take ten minutes to explain a simple sentence.
“Now is the point of the ramp up. The resistance to Google must
ascend. We must be like a skateboarder going up a ramp, but his
height will be our resistance, and when he gets to the top of his
ramp, he will keep going up, instead of going down. Keeping going up
and up, and when he gets to space the skateboarder doesn't die. He
doesn't die, but rather wins.” Realizing that his previous sentence
had laid waste to both grammar and logic, Hjalmar tried to close with
a concise point. “GASP must be like Tony Hawk jumping to space.”
Stopped for comment outside the Coveant
Garden Market Thursday, Citizen Danny was incensed at the latest news
of the NSA having a hand in designing loopholes in security software
to give themselves access to people's supposedly private bank and
medical records. “Damnit America, stop validating my paranoia!”
he yelled. “Do you know how many years I've spent trying to
deprogram all the conspiracy theories in my head? And now they're all
just fucking true? Do you realize what kind of step backwards this is
for my sanity? For everyone's sanity?” At this point Danny's rage
devolved his words into an incomprehensible sputtering, and his mouth
floundered around for a few seconds before screaming the only
syllables he could put together coherently. “FUCK YOU!”
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