Oh the Grief: In Conversation with Ovaltine Goose-Shredder

When I met with PAJ's resident expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder he was lying facedown on his and his wife's bed, wearing the same clothes he wore to last weeks press conference. The situation was set in the same place it had been three years earlier, the first time I had tried to convince him it wasn't his fault his wife was dead. This time around was dramatically easier, since three years earlier Karen had died because Goose-Shredder blew up their house trying to see how accurate Vince Gilligan's meth recipe was. Now, after a reanimation of her dead body by Goose-Shredder and her subsequent trip to Antarctica, Karen is presumed to be either lost at sea or murdered at the hands of the biometric robocop horde, but either way most certainly dead. The following is a transcript of the conversation I had with Ovaltine Goose-Shredder late Thursday.

Ovaltine Goose-Shredder: [muffled by pillow] Betty. Betty! It happened again.

James Betty: I know.

OGS: [muffled] This pillow still smells like her.

JB: She was a walking corpse, nothing gets that smell out.

OGS: I've washed it so many times.

JB: Maybe try real detergent, instead of that stuff you make in your basement.

OGS: [sitting up] Don't badmouth Sparkle-Time Handy Wash! When the dollar tanks, who's going to make your laundry soap? Because it's not going to be me!

JB: I'm sorry, buddy.

OGS: [slams face back into pillow] I make great soap.

JB: No you don't.

OGS: [muffled] Who's side are you on?

JB: Truth and justice. I'm a journalist, remember?

OGS: [uncontrollable laughter]

JB: Hey....

OGS: [still laughing]

JB: That hurts...

OGS: [still laughing]

JB: Why do people I know laugh when I act like a real journalist?

OGS: Hey... do you remember that thing you thought of that wasn't so sad?

JB: Are you changing the subject away from my career so I'm not so sad?

OGS: ... Yes.

JB: How did that whole sentence not refer to anything specific and still manage to achieve it's goal so well?

OGS: It's called friendship, buddy.

JB: Is it?

OGS: Bring it in.

JB: What?

OGS: [moves in for a hug] Lets hug it out.

JB: Don't come at me like that. Not on your bed...

OGS: [hugging James Betty] Shhhhh, don't fight me.

JB: This is so awkward.

OGS: [still hugging] It's called friendship.

JB: No it's not. Not like this.

OGS: [releases hug] I can't believe my wife's maybe dead again.

JB: It's probably about time you started dropping the maybe from that sentence.

OGS: [slams face into pillow] Noooo!

JB: You need to accept that she's really gone this time, and you can't hang your hopes on re-animation again because she will never be found. I'm sorry. She won't.

OGS: [muffled] She can't be gone again! I let her go to Antarctica and if she's dead again it's all my fault again!

JB: What were you supposed to do, chain her to the dock? You know Karen, if she wanted to go to Antarctica she was going to go to Antarctica. You can't let this one be your fault. Let it be her decision.

OGS: [muffled] Hey Betty, don't take this the wrong way, but how about you fuck off for a while?

JB: That's not very nice, in fact it makes me prefer the awkward hug right now.

OGS: [sitting up, yelling] So fuck off or I'll find another awkward hug for you!

JB: [confused silence]

OGS: [enjoying the silence]

JB: At least you didn't blow her up this time.

OGS: Yeah, I actually feel way better about this one. Small miracles, right?

JB: Not many people know what it's like to accidentally kill their wife for the second time, you should probably write a paper about this.

OGS: [jumping out of bed] I must tell the masses! Find me a pen, I'm going to eat some soup.

JB: I think you just ripped off Hemingway.

So Goose-Shredder is up and about, and that's a good sign. His friends still can't convince him to hold a funeral for Karen, but feel that the baby-steps he's taken in the last few days are encouraging enough.

[Ed. Note: Hemingway did not say “Find me a pen, I'm going to eat some soup.”]

Biometric Robocops Make Landfall in South America

A troupe of Biometric robocops are believed to have made landfall briefly on the southern tip of South America early Thursday, sparking speculation that the technology smashing organisms have found a way off of Antarctica. According to eyewitness testimony, around 6am local time a small sailboat matching the description of the boat Karen sailed to Antarctica made landfall in the fishing village of Ushuaia and several entirely green humanoid organisms lethargically sprinted to other vessels on the dock for the purposes of commandeering them. Local authorities believe that as many as five fishing vessels were taken, as well as several larger pleasure-craft. The alleged biometric robocop boat stealing endeavour took place in under a minute, with the organisms visible on land for only seconds before jumping aboard the nearby boats, making it difficult to tell if it really was a handful of biometric robocops making landfall, or if it was just a gaggle of human boat thieves who painted themselves green to avoid identification.

The eyewitness to the daring early morning hijackings, a fisherman who's eyes are almost completely crusted shut by salt water, says the humanoid organisms moved very stiffly and lethargically, were entirely green from head to toe and looked like they were wearing helmets made of broccoli. Resident Botany Expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder is certain that the hijackings were the first contact with the biometric robocops. “I mean, no one wears broccoli hats. Any organism would take off something that looked that dumb, so the broccoli hats have to be attached to them. That's how you science out a fact,” he said at a press conference late Thursday. “So the bastards stole Karen's boat, like a jerk would, and used it to get more boats so they can stage a proper invasion of South America. They're putting a fleet together and coming after our smartphones. Called it. Prediction. That's my prediction. Write it down.” Goose-Shredder then yelled, “HEY! You're not WRITING IT DOWN.” and smacked a notepad out of a nearby journalist's hand. Experts are attributing Goose-Shredder's belligerence to the bender he's been on since being confronted with the very realistic theory of his wife's demise last week.

Axel Hjalmar, leader of the resistance group GASP, is also certain that it was the biometric robocops that perpetrated the boat heist in Ushuaia, and was overjoyed that his creations had found a way off Antarctica. “This is a great day for humanity. Finally, the beginning of the end of the reign of Google is dawning, just like how the sun comes up at dawn to signal the start of a new day, every day, but this new day is different than every other new day because when this new day is over, it will mean that Google has been vanquished and GASP has fulfilled it's creed, which may take more than several sunrises and sunsets in actual time, because the horde has to get across the South Atlantic and up the Argentinian peninsula, so when the sun sets tonight Google will not be vanquished but...” The rest of Hjalmar's transmission won't be printed, because in a way it already has, as Hjalmar spent the last ten minutes trying to explain the metaphor he said in the first ten seconds.

In cities across the continent people have been putting up public art projects to show support for Google at the behest of the Preacher Firestone, who called for an arts campaign to promote “submission before the Google” last Thursday. Many acolytes have opted to simply put 20 foot tall blocks of chromed metal in city centres, while others have staged some terrible and heartwarming theatre pieces by playing characters just being really happy to be an electron zipping through the human cosmos. Others are missing the point pretty hard. Rather than taking to heart Firestone's request for a mysterious and compelling art project to horizontally influence people, Local Outragee Sandra has taken to screeching Anti-Hjalmar slogans through a bullhorn right at people who could hear her fine if she was just talking. “Look at the mess Hjalmar made on Antarctica! International war-strikes should be made against him! String a noose in front of the Hague!” Sandra said on a street-corner late Thursday. Hjalmar has called on GASP to start a culture jamming campaign against the Firestone acolyte's public art projects, but so far there hasn't been many takers, causing experts to wonder exactly how dedicated members GASP really are.

Karen's Boat Presumed Lost off Coast of Antarctica

The boat that Karen sailed to Antarctica is feared to have sunk off the coast of the frozen continent, as it is no longer beaming it's GPS coordinates to PAJ's resident cartography expert and Karen-husband Ovaltine Goose-Shredder. “Karen probably isn't dead... again,” Goose-Shredder said at a press conference early Thursday, shoving his optimistic face into the reality that it's more likely she is dead again. “She's probably just stranded on Antarctica with a horde of destructive biometric robocops. In fact, they probably just destroyed the GPS transmitter because it's electronic and that's what they do. The boat and Karen are probably fine, right? Right?” Despite his theories that Karen is fine, Goose-Shredder is most definitely worried about her fate, as one doesn't usually call a press conference to ask desperate sounding questions to the assembled journalists.

Agreeing that Goose-Shredder used the word 'probably' far too many times in his opening statement for any of it to be accurate, the assembled journalists began peppering the mad scientist with questions as to how quickly his wife 'probably' died on the wasteland continent. With a liberal use of air quotes to put some metaphorical distance between the question and insinuating Karen was dead, Goose-Shredder was asked if Karen “falling into the ocean and succumbing to exposure” would be more or less horrific given that much of Karen's body is not standard human body parts, but rather is mostly fixtures designed to mimic bodily processes. Goose-Shredder answered the question with an anguished cry and a few tears, but stuck to the mic like a true professional. Asked if the electronics implanted in Karen's body to bring her back from the dead would lead to the biometric robocops killing her in a quick and painless manner, or if the placement of the electronics would mean a more graphic and prolonged 'Black Knight' style death, Goose-Shredder was accidentally given hope. “No, actually she is.. she's all analog.” he said. Goose-Shredder explained that he used machined parts and analog processes to give the procedure a better chance of working. “I didn't want [Karen] dieing because of a software glitch, and I wanted to know that the parts I reanimated her with were of the highest possible quality, so I made them all myself and got them to function like simple machines.” The realization snapped Goose-Shredder out of his grief and gave him the presence of mind to end the torturous press conference. Saying he was leaving because the assembled journalists were “a bunch of dicks for being assholes,” Goose-Shredder exited the room and pulled the fire alarm, setting off the building's sprinkler system and ruining thousands of dollars in camera and recording equipment.

Across London, in the alley behind Jack's, the Preacher Firestone is into his 18th month of rattling off a hellfire sermon in support of “joining the All that is Google.” Experts estimate that the followers of Firestone now number in the millions and are growing with each passing day, as it is another day that the Preacher Firestone does not eat, does not sleep and talks without losing his voice, making claims of his divinity harder and harder to argue against. “[Firestone's] not normal, I have to admit that,” Ovaltine Goose-Shredder said late Thursday after calming down over a few drinks at Poachers. Goose-Shredder, Firestone's most vocal critic, conceded that there may be something significant about Firestone, but that it has nothing to do with divinity. “He's so beyond normal, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that he has some enhancements that mimic bodily functions like Karen does. I've had notebooks go missing before. Those ideas could be out there.” Stopped for comment outside the Covant Garden Market, Citizen Danny pondered Firestone's divinity as well. “I wonder if he's like... I wonder if it's going to turn out that he's just been a manifestation of a shared concept all along. Something like... if he's not human, then maybe he's an idea that we're all hallucinating.” Asked whether he considers himself a follower of Firestone, Danny was adamant that he was not, but agreed that Firestone has some ideas that are worth hearing. “If you separate the Google nonsense from the things he says, he is hitting on a few good ideas. I didn't realize it at the time but that Zen stuff he said at New Years really helped me with a friend's death. That's when I started giving [Firestone] a little more credit.”

Firestone has been repeating a single sentence several times a day for the last week, asking his acolytes to start making public art projects that promote “submission before the Google.” Given that straight talk on political and social matters rarely gets anything done, the idea Firestone is promoting is to influence horizontally by creating something compelling and mysterious that contains the ideas he feels should be disseminated, in hopes that they worm their way into people's consciousness like a catchy fucking song. So far, no Google-centric public arts project have been created by Firestone's acolytes, but given their sheer numbers and the trust they put into his words, experts are certain that the acolytes will soon flood the public domain with their message.

US Economic Armageddon Looms; Experts say 'Go for it'

The US Government told 800,000 federal employees to stop showing up for work and to not expect a paycheque for a while due to the Republican controlled House of Representatives blocking an increase in the US debt ceiling. The Republicans voted against raising the debt ceiling in an attempt to pressure the Democrats into repealing Obamacare, which is known as cheap health insurance in the rest of the world. Despite the Democrat's assurances that the Affordable Care Act will not be scrapped, the power move by the Republicans has cast doubt over whether America will get to join the ranks of countries like Mongolia, who don't deny their citizens health care. The 48 million uninsured citizens across the country are anxious for a solution to this three day stalemate, with many wondering why the Republicans couldn't just step on a puppy instead of going after health care, especially now that America has backed itself into a corner made of IOU's.

By shuttering the non-essential services of the Federal Government, experts believe that not raising the debt ceiling could cost the US billions in lost economic activity and, if not resolved by October 17, could potentially cause America to default on it's debts, provoking a catastrophic financial crisis across the globe. While a global financial disaster on a magnitude the Earth has never seen would be terrible for humanity, resident economic expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder says that Canada would be unaffected thanks to our currency being destroyed by a poorly planned sweepstakes six months ago. “Our economy is bombproof now, because it's already failed!” he said in a press conference early Thursday.

Goose-Shredder says that Americans could take a lesson from their Northern neighbours in dealing with economic hardship, as Canadians have adapted well to their labour becoming the benchmark of value, instead of money. “Canadians are getting what they need, and if they can't get it, they probably don't need it. They have less, way less, but because every trade is an even barter, they don't come out of the transaction owing anyone, and there's something to be said for that.” American policy experts have been studying Canada's response to the economic meltdown, and are now jealous of Canada's licence to re-organize their economy in any manner they want. “[America has] been raising the debt ceiling instead of dealing with their problem for so long that having a happy accident tank the economy looks like a blessing.” says Goose-Shredder. Because of this, Goose-Shredder says the United States defaulting on their debts could be a good thing, “It would force [the US] to deal with [their debt problem]. As hard as that would be in the short term, it would be better for them in the long run.”

Several weeks ago a parliamentary committee was put together by Prime Minister Harper to look at all possible plans for Canada's new economy, as feudal agrarianism doesn't help Canada compete internationally in the slightest. The committee is expected to report on their decision in early December. Ovaltine Goose-Shredder is optimistic about having a new plan for economic organization, horrifying as it will be, saying, “The fact of the matter is, we made all this up, and we can make up something else. The transition won't be pretty, in fact it will be horrific, but it can be done, and it should be done. By both Canada and America.”

Stopped for comment outside the Covent Garden Market early Thursday, Citizen Danny expressed an opinion that is growing amongst young Canadians, who are starting to bristle at the idea of taking on debt. “All I hear out of my parents and relatives is how to get the things they have, and that debt is a necessary part of life. Look at the US debt crisis right now, and watch how fucked Canadian families will be when the interest rates go up. I don't think they understand what kind of terrible idea debt looks like right now. It's like they're trying to talk me into voluntarily fucking myself.”