A troupe of
Biometric robocops are believed to have made landfall briefly on the
southern tip of South America early Thursday, sparking speculation
that the technology smashing organisms have found a way off of
Antarctica. According to eyewitness testimony, around 6am local time
a small sailboat matching the description of the boat Karen sailed to
Antarctica made landfall in the fishing village of Ushuaia and
several entirely green humanoid organisms lethargically sprinted to
other vessels on the dock for the purposes of commandeering them.
Local authorities believe that as many as five fishing vessels were
taken, as well as several larger pleasure-craft. The alleged
biometric robocop boat stealing endeavour took place in under a
minute, with the organisms visible on land for only seconds before
jumping aboard the nearby boats, making it difficult to tell if it
really was a handful of biometric robocops making landfall, or if it
was just a gaggle of human boat thieves who painted themselves green
to avoid identification.
The eyewitness to
the daring early morning hijackings, a fisherman who's eyes are
almost completely crusted shut by salt water, says the humanoid
organisms moved very stiffly and lethargically, were entirely green
from head to toe and looked like they were wearing helmets made of
broccoli. Resident Botany Expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder is certain
that the hijackings were the first contact with the biometric
robocops. “I mean, no one wears broccoli hats. Any organism would
take off something that looked that dumb, so the broccoli hats have
to be attached to them. That's how you science out a fact,” he said
at a press conference late Thursday. “So the bastards stole Karen's
boat, like a jerk would, and used it to get more boats so they can
stage a proper invasion of South America. They're putting a fleet
together and coming after our smartphones. Called it. Prediction.
That's my prediction. Write it down.” Goose-Shredder then yelled,
“HEY! You're not WRITING IT DOWN.” and smacked a notepad out of a
nearby journalist's hand. Experts are attributing Goose-Shredder's
belligerence to the bender he's been on since being confronted with
the very realistic theory of his wife's demise last week.
Axel Hjalmar,
leader of the resistance group GASP, is also certain that it was the
biometric robocops that perpetrated the boat heist in Ushuaia, and
was overjoyed that his creations had found a way off Antarctica.
“This is a great day for humanity. Finally, the beginning of the
end of the reign of Google is dawning, just like how the sun comes up
at dawn to signal the start of a new day, every day, but this new day
is different than every other new day because when this new day is
over, it will mean that Google has been vanquished and GASP has
fulfilled it's creed, which may take more than several sunrises and
sunsets in actual time, because the horde has to get across the South
Atlantic and up the Argentinian peninsula, so when the sun sets
tonight Google will not be vanquished but...” The rest of Hjalmar's
transmission won't be printed, because in a way it already has, as
Hjalmar spent the last ten minutes trying to explain the metaphor he
said in the first ten seconds.
In cities across
the continent people have been putting up public art projects to show
support for Google at the behest of the Preacher Firestone, who
called for an arts campaign to promote “submission before the
Google” last Thursday. Many acolytes have opted to simply put 20
foot tall blocks of chromed metal in city centres, while others have
staged some terrible and heartwarming theatre pieces by playing
characters just being really happy to be an electron zipping through
the human cosmos. Others are missing the point pretty hard. Rather
than taking to heart Firestone's request for a mysterious and
compelling art project to horizontally influence people, Local
Outragee Sandra has taken to screeching Anti-Hjalmar slogans through
a bullhorn right at people who could hear her fine if she was just
talking. “Look at the mess Hjalmar made on Antarctica!
International war-strikes should be made against him! String a noose
in front of the Hague!” Sandra said on a street-corner late
Thursday. Hjalmar has called on GASP to start a culture jamming
campaign against the Firestone acolyte's public art projects, but so
far there hasn't been many takers, causing experts to wonder
exactly how dedicated members GASP really are.
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