The US Government told 800,000 federal
employees to stop showing up for work and to not expect a paycheque
for a while due to the Republican controlled House of Representatives
blocking an increase in the US debt ceiling. The Republicans voted
against raising the debt ceiling in an attempt to pressure the
Democrats into repealing Obamacare, which is known as cheap health insurance in the rest of the world. Despite the Democrat's assurances
that the Affordable Care Act will not be scrapped, the power move by
the Republicans has cast doubt over whether America will get to join
the ranks of countries like Mongolia, who don't deny their citizens
health care. The 48 million uninsured citizens across the country are
anxious for a solution to this three day stalemate, with many
wondering why the Republicans couldn't just step on a puppy instead
of going after health care, especially now that America has backed
itself into a corner made of IOU's.
By shuttering the non-essential
services of the Federal Government, experts believe that not raising
the debt ceiling could cost the US billions in lost economic activity
and, if not resolved by October 17, could potentially cause America
to default on it's debts, provoking a catastrophic financial crisis
across the globe. While a global financial disaster on a magnitude
the Earth has never seen would be terrible for humanity, resident
economic expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder says that Canada would be
unaffected thanks to our currency being destroyed by a poorly planned sweepstakes six months ago. “Our economy is bombproof now,
because it's already failed!” he said in a press conference early
Thursday.
Goose-Shredder says that Americans
could take a lesson from their Northern neighbours in dealing with
economic hardship, as Canadians have adapted well to their labour
becoming the benchmark of value, instead of money. “Canadians are
getting what they need, and if they can't get it, they probably don't
need it. They have less, way less, but because every trade is an even
barter, they don't come out of the transaction owing anyone, and
there's something to be said for that.” American policy experts
have been studying Canada's response to the economic meltdown, and
are now jealous of Canada's licence to re-organize their economy in
any manner they want. “[America has] been raising the debt ceiling
instead of dealing with their problem for so long that having a happy
accident tank the economy looks like a blessing.” says
Goose-Shredder. Because of this, Goose-Shredder says the United
States defaulting on their debts could be a good thing, “It would
force [the US] to deal with [their debt problem]. As hard as that
would be in the short term, it would be better for them in the long
run.”
Several weeks ago a parliamentary
committee was put together by Prime Minister Harper to look at all
possible plans for Canada's new economy, as feudal agrarianism
doesn't help Canada compete internationally in the slightest. The
committee is expected to report on their decision in early December.
Ovaltine Goose-Shredder is optimistic about having a new plan for
economic organization, horrifying as it will be, saying, “The fact
of the matter is, we made all this up, and we can make up something
else. The transition won't be pretty, in fact it will be horrific,
but it can be done, and it should be done. By both Canada and
America.”
Stopped for comment outside the Covent
Garden Market early Thursday, Citizen Danny expressed an opinion
that is growing amongst young Canadians, who are starting to bristle
at the idea of taking on debt. “All I hear out of my parents and
relatives is how to get the things they have, and that debt is a
necessary part of life. Look at the US debt crisis right now, and
watch how fucked Canadian families will be when the interest rates go
up. I don't think they understand what kind of terrible idea debt
looks like right now. It's like they're trying to talk me into
voluntarily fucking myself.”
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