The Preacher Firestone and his amassed
acolytes crossed the Arkansas/Texas border early Thursday on what is
now the 89th day of his march south to confront the biometric robocop
horde that is screaming up South America destroying every means of accessing Google in existence, colloquially known as the Technology
Apocalypse. Amassing followers since leaving the alley behind Jack's
on December 13th, the Firestone migration is now estimated to number
at a traffic snarling 1.5 million people walking south on the I-40
towards Dallas. Acolytes have been ducking off the interstate at
every available avenue to buy up all the Miracle Grow plant food they
can get their hands on from nearby hardware stores and garden
centres. When asked for comment by anyone, about anything, the
Preacher Firestone responds only with the words “Resilience means
Miracle Grow.” The short response is a marked change for a man who
didn't shut up for over a year straight, causing experts to wonder
why he would choose the moment he finally mobilized his followers to
stop telling them what to do. With millions of people marching to
confront an enemy that has already defeated one army, President Obama
has ordered the Federal Emergency Management Agency to follow the
Firestone acolytes with a fleet of mobile hospitals that “probably
won't be needed” in the event of an actual emergency. To keep the
biorobos from destroying any life saving medical technology, the FEMA
medical fleet has been outfitted with analog medical devices from the1960's, but due to strict regulations currently in effect at border
crossings every medicine and bag of saline will be tested for illegal
substances. Mexican Border Services estimate that effective
scrutinizing of the entire convoy will take 3 months, so the mobile
hospitals should be about a month and half late for the potential
massacre.
Adding to fears of the Firestone
acolytes being led into a grand catastrophe is the demographic makeup
of the migration. Ovaltine Goose-Shredder has been in contact with
colleagues who have found that the average marcher is 53.2 years old,
with professions tending towards service workers like bank tellers
and librarians. “In terms of the acolyte's skill sets, those with a
military background are conspicuously absent,” Goose-Shredder said
in a press conference early Thursday. All soldiers and reservists
were ordered back to base for a state of high alert after the
biorobos made landfall in November, but despite this the US military
has stated repeatedly that it has no plans to engage the biorobos.
“Everything has been shifted to a coping strategy after the
Argentinians proved resistance was a terrible idea.” Goose-Shredder
said. Asked how the Firestone acolytes would fare in battle against
the biometric robocop horde, Goose-Shredder said he felt ill thinking
about it and lambasted their presumed fertilizer strategy. “Taking
Miracle Grow to the fight, what the fuck is that? Just pump [the
biorobos] up with steroids before fighting them? This Firestone guy
is leading [the acolytes] into a massacre, it's the only
explanation,” he said, adding, “I always figured [Firestone] was
a dick.”
In the absence of comment from the
Preacher Firestone, being more adamant and less coherent than the
other acolytes has made Local Outragee Sandra the de-facto
representative of the migration, with her yelling making her a beacon for the camera crews of the 24 hour news networks. Sandra has been
following Firestone since he took his first step out of the alley
behind Jack's onto Richmond, and revealed to serious journalist Wolf
Blitzer that she was following Firestone in hopes that the pilgrimage
would reconcile a deep belief that she has led the next generation wrong in her career as an educator, screeching, “This is it, the
legacy we will leave for the children! They shall have the Google to
love and to hold, and it will help them with their homework!”
Sandra has no idea why she's carrying the Miracle Grow, and says no
one she has talked to knows either.
Due to the horribleness of the events
set to unfold somewhere around Honduras, Military and Medical experts
are calling for American authorities to stop the Firestone migration
at the Mexican border. Taking control of my word processor from a
sealed room beneath Langley, NSA worker Caligula Goonsquad said it
would be difficult for Border Patrol to turn the migration away,
because stopping one million people from doing something is impossible. “To avoid a confrontation [with the biorobos], the
Firestone acolytes would have to turn around of their own accord.”
he typed. “1 million people wanting to do something is a terrifying
prospect, that's why we have to get ahead of them before it happens.”
Goonsquad claims the NSA had prepared for Firestone to die before he
had a chance to wield his power, because “The prophet always dies.”
They did not plan for any mass movement to spring from his followers.
“At most we thought Google Chrome would gain a few subscribers. It
was all he talked about, really. Then after some angry soul killed
him, [Firestone's] message would be sanitized by a retail chain by
wrangling his public perception into some non-challenging
happy-go-lucky slogan for a throw pillow. You know, the life cycle of ideas.”
At the time of publication the
biometric robocop horde has made it as far north as La Paz, Bolivia.
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