People everywhere are upset at the evil let loose upon the world by the new Muppet movie. Since it's release the movie has shown kids and adults a caricature of a greasy, a-moral capitalist, tarnishing the reputation of our sterling captains of industry. A spokesman for Freedom Openness Xylophone, a group that represents the interests of business tycoons and xylophones, spoke yesterday about the tyrannical monster created by the film.
“When comedy writers portray successful businessmen as a-moral narcissists they're being really unfair to the people who have won at life. Just because a lot of capitalists do mean things doesn't make it a fact, so when businessmen have kids stitching wallets in a burning building or push their dog in front of a truck for $100, you can shut up or lose your job,” adding, “any similarities to narcissism and sociopathy are irrelevant because Money!” He then detonated a money cannon that had been hanging from the ceiling and all the journalists agreed, yelling “Big-Ups for Xylophones!” amongst a shower of bills.
Local Ponerology expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder explained the theory behind the phenomenon, saying “The loose, fibrous nature of the muppet can capture and hold far more evil than a double breasted suit, so they are inherently more evil than an oil tycoon. Jason Segal accidentally created something evil enough to make free-market capitalism look bad when he combined them. I'm sure he didn't mean to. He just had no idea of the forces he was playing with.”
Despite the accidental nature of the evil leakage, local citizens are up at arms over the effects that exposure to muppets might have on their children, who have a notoriously low threshold for evil. “Everyone knows you can't do that, the billboards are everywhere,” says Sandra, shrilly referring to the public service ads posted in cities across the country warning about the tendency for evil to get caught in shaggy fabrics. “Why do you think shag carpets are linked to cocaine use? The 70's are no coincidence! And then they exposed children to this? They're lucky they weren't killed outright!”
Faced with an onslaught of criticism from thousands of children spurred on by a muppet, prominent Canadian Businessman Kevin O'Leary felt compelled to defend his operating logic for business and life on behalf of capitalists the world over, saying “Money equals freedom...You may lose your wife, you may lose your dog, your mother may hate you, none of those things matter. What matters is that you achieve success and become free. Then you can do whatever you like.”
James Betty friend Danny was initially flabbergasted by O'Leary's statement, first muttering “Why would you say that if you wanted someone to like you? Doesn't everyone want that?” before eventually managing to pull himself together for a response. “Now I don't know what kind of person you have to be to convince your own mother to hate you, but I've got a rough sketch of it in my head and it's not something I want to share a planet with. It looks like a twisted hunchback with warts on warts that keeps trying to trick my grandmother out of her valuables. Compared to O'Leary, the Muppet Movie is pretty nice to businessmen.” Danny was about to walk away, but turned back to add, “Ya know what? My Mechanic doesn't lose his shit over every murderer-rapist on Law and Order being a dude who fixes cars, so why can't businessmen just chill the fuck out?”
While the studio has set up hug-booths on Bay Street to help the capitalists in need, they have refused to pull The Muppet Movie from theaters, saying “We need to make our money back on this. You can go to hell until then.” Outside the Masonville Silvercity Theaters, local outragee Sandra was incensed at the studio reaction, “I'm just really sad for the kids, it's really unfair to make them hate businessmen like that. The studio needs to be made an example! That you can't just create evil and let it loose in the world and expect everything to be hunky-dory, even if it was an accident,” She then waved her burning effigy of Kermit on a stick, screaming “Death to Shag!” while molten polyurethane dripped really close to her infant. Then a guy dressed all in black and smoking a cigarette walked by and immediately turned towards the theater saying, “Evil movie? Fuck yeah.”
The Muppet Movie is currently playing in theaters across the globe. Check your local listings for show times. Hugs for the capitalists can be sent to the New York Stock Exchange.
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