Local Dirtbag Terry ratted out his Grandfather for a shot at a $25000 bounty put up by The Simon Wiesenthal Center, an organization seeking to find and prosecute any Nazi war criminals who may still be alive and at large in the world. Terry's 86 year old Grandfather was arrested by London Police Wednesday on suspicion of being a war criminal after Terry turned in a picture of his grandfather in front of a Nazi flag to authorities. "It didn't take us long to figure out he fought for the Allies, and we sent him home," said Const. McBrady O'Riley, London's New York style cop. “Terry had showed up at the station with this picture of his grandfather in front of a swastika and demanded twenty-five thousand dollars. We hadn't heard about any Nazi bounty, we figured it was just a weird robbery so we roughed him up a little and sent him on his way.”
After two days of harassment in the form of phone calls and door knockings, Terry formally called a press conference on the front lawn of his basement apartment to explain his actions.
“There's this really sick motorcycle” he started, but trailed off, clearly worried about the fate of this motorcycle. When asked what kind of disease the motorcycle had, and what it's chances of survival are, Terry looked confused, “Disease? No, not like that... no” and seemed to have trouble putting words together, “I like, I don't have a motorcycle, and this one's sick, and I want it but” he said, holding up an autotrader magazine, “but I can't afford it.”
Terry then admitted that he heard about the $25000 bounty put up by The Simon Wiesenthal Center and tried to trade his grandfather for a motorcycle despite not knowing if he had fought for the Nazi's in World War II. “Yeah, I figured I could get some money. Grandpa doesn't like to talk about the war, and they all say he fought in Germany. I just figured he didn't say anything because he was a Nazi, and he has that old flag...”
Terry then read from a prepared statement, “In an effort to apologize to my grandfather, for thinking he was a Nazi war criminal, I've decided to follow in his real footsteps by becoming a professional Nazi hunter,” he said, holding up a crossbow. Asked if a gun would be more effective, Terry said “I don't know.” and ran off to his new life of Nazi-Hunting. Terry's Grandfather was reached for comment late yesterday, saying “What a moron! Well, I do love public endangerment, let's see where he goes with this.”
Late last night Terry was spotted near Cherryhill Mall, running into the pines with crossbow drawn after an elderly man. The assembled journalists agreed that Maniac with Crossbow Arrested After Chasing Old Man was a great headline and called Const. McBrady O'Riley. Const. O'Riley caught Terry before he was able to chase down the elderly man and hammed it up for the cameras, saying “Look out for that road sign!” before running Terry's face into a metal pole.
That article will be printed pending the verdict on whether or not the assembled journalists fed Terry false information which led to his chasing the old man directly towards a waiting Const. McBrady O'Riley. All the assembled journalists agree that we didn't do that, though.
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