Local expert and three time Smartest Guy in the Room Champion Ovaltine Goose-Shredder has many years of counselling people dealing with holiday stress on his resume, and so far only half of that resume has been proven a lie. Given that we are now in the time called holidays, Piss Awesome Journalism presents some timely advice on dealing with holiday stress from Ovaltine's bestselling self-help book “How the Genius Solved Christmas”
The stresses of holiday shopping can really wear on us this time of year, causing everything from migraines to telepathically breaking your shin bones. It's important, especially for your shins, that we find healthy ways to release that stress. Malls are specifically designed to grind away at your will to survive until it provokes an existential crisis that spirals into a “Take my money, I don't even care” nihilism, so they're the best place to start taking little steps to reduce your stress levels. Did she cut ahead of you in line at The Bay? Just punch that bitch, you'll feel better. And I can say from experience that the catharsis of beating a security guard in a foot-race is second only to winning an actual police-chase. It really gets the endorphins pumping, creating what experts call the "Runner's High", which is much healthier than mescaline and less goofy than yoga. So my first holiday tip, don't be afraid to get violent at the mall.
On that topic, the lady you punched is totally blissed out drooling on the floor, and it looks like an awesome place to be, so don't disregard the therapeutic effects of a concussed brain. Just turn yourself off for a bit. After all, the home can be a source of stress too, what with all that time to stare at the corner that's missing your giant nutcracker statue. If a loved one isn't around to help, just take a page from the lonely-heimlich life-saving technique and fall head first onto a chair. You'll forget all about where you stashed the decorations last year. Just make sure the oven is off before you conk-out for a few hours. Through this technique, it's possible to avoid the inevitable criticisms that come with holiday baking entirely.
Finally, at family Christmas gatherings people only notice who is the most drunk, so you can be the hero of Christmas by drinking more than Grandma. Just keep an eye on how many Bailey's and whisky's are going down and make sure you stay ahead of the curve. This way, Grandma's slurred judgmental digressions will be drowned out by you throwing all your sister's shortbread cookies at the dog while sarcastically yelling about how great they are. This will create a future confrontation with your mother about the scene you made after everyone leaves, but this can be avoided, provided you practiced my techniques throughout the holiday season, as the police will be knocking down the door during dinner looking for the person who punched that poor lady at The Bay and cart you away from your disgrace before any of the consequences arise. With enough head trauma, you'll wake up on December 26th with no recollection of what happened and enough money for bail because you've been banned from all the malls, and you'll never be invited to Christmas again. Holiday Stress Vanquished!
Happy Holidays,
Ovaltine Goose-Shredder, Phd
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