21st Century Newsie Brat Tells my Grandma to Fuck Herself

Neighbours were shocked last week to find that Muriel had been verbally assaulted by the eleven year old boy who delivers the papers, who's name is being withheld under the young offenders act should any charges be laid. Local Outragee Sandra, who lives in the same gentrified, well-treed neighbourhood as my Grandmother, is the one pushing for charges. “He's new, he doesn't know how often she bakes cookies yet. She's the nicest lady,” she said late last Wednesday, railing for the defense of the neighbourhood, “But these kids are just going wild! After assault comes arson, I know that for a fact! It's too late to save him, we have to destroy the monster! Plunge something through his heart!”

Muriel was watching for the boy early Wednesday so she could give him a tip on where to leave the paper. “With my back, bending to get the paper off the ground is hard, especially when there's snow and ice like we're getting, so I asked the newspaper boy if he could put it in the basket hanging on the porch, instead of just throwing it from the street like he does.” When asked if she had any cookies right now, with a twinkle Muriel said, “No, I don't have any honey. You can't bake cookies without honey.”

Since the boy was not distracted by a sweet treat he lashed out at the old woman who tried to tell him how to do his job. “Well he said something that I won't repeat here, that's for sure! I didn't even know words like that at his age.” Muriel recalls. “That Sandra seems to be busy-bodying about over it. I say boys will be boys, but he won't get any of my chocolate-chip toffee topped cookies, that's for sure.”

One week later Muriel welched on that promise to not give the little brat a cookie, and he apologized for telling her to fuck herself when she was just trying to save her back. When asked if he would ever use a word like that again, Timmy said “No-fucking way! She gave me a cookie with chocolate-chips and toffee on it! My mom never makes anything like that! Last night we had celery for dessert!” He wolfed down three of Muriel's cookies before grabbing at his stomach. “My hearts beating fast and I feel weird. Is this diabetes? Oh my god, mom was right about diabetes! I've got diabetes!”

Muriel watched the boy run off to tell his mother that he had diabetes. She looked pretty smug.

“He wouldn't last 5 seconds in the war.”

“Well he's eleven.” I say [JB].

“Your great-uncle Theodore was eleven when he enlisted! And he went on to do three tours of North Africa! He got his first period there, or whatever boys call it.”

“We don't call it anything, Grandma.”

“Well you ought to, it's an important time.”

“I don't remember anything like that, so it's probably not important.”

“You should put all of this in your article, dear”

“All of what?”

“This conversation, it's an important conversation.”

“How about you leave the content decisions to the professionals.”

“What professionals?”

“Me - I'm a professional. Leave it to me Grandma.”

“[Laughter] Oh, James. Now put it in your article or no cookies for you.”

“You were holding out on me? For the purposes of blackmail?!”

“You can leave that part out.”

“I should probably go straight to my therapist with this.”

“So you'll print this conversation, and maybe men won't be so quick to throw themselves off cliffs if they remember the humble beginnings of their manhood?”

“You've had a lot of time to think, huh?”

“Here's your cookie.”

The cookie was butter-raisin, so I kind of feel cheated, but a deal's a deal. Love you, Grandma.

Statue of Liberty Knocked into Ocean; Claimed as Party Boat by Barbados

After several weeks floating in international waters the Statue of Liberty has been claimed by an entertainment conglomerate from the nation of Barbados. The 225 ton gift from the nation of France to celebrate American's abundance of freedom was dislodged from it's pedestal on Liberty Island in late-December when Derek Jeter flew his yacht into it. Even though a video of the incident surfaced showing the landmark being nudged from it's perch by a one of kind blimp-like flying yacht with his name emblazoned across the side, Jeter told the press that he was pretty sure that nothing happened, so they probably shouldn't look into it. He later confessed that it was David Copperfield's fault the Statue was gone, since Copperfield was the one drunkenly piloting the blimp-yacht.

The Barbadian entertainment conglomerate that has claimed the statue consists of club owners and party promoters who have turned Lady Liberty into a party boat anchored a few kilometers off the coast of the island in the Atlantic ocean. “Lights! Sound system! Everything run off generators, ya! Cash bar cool ya!” touts Pablito, who was hired to set up and maintain the mechanical systems needed to turn the Statue of Liberty into a floating club. “Everything bumps on here, ya! Get dizzy!”

There have been safety issues with the landmark becoming a party boat, with a nightly estimate of 3 to 5 people falling off the over-crowded statue and being lost to the ocean. “It's survival of the fittest! Or survival of whoever isn't closest on the edge, ya” says one of the Barbados based promoters of the party island, N'aQualeed. “It's rescuing that's the problem. We can't hear the cries for help; over the dirtiest bass in the world!!!” N'aQualeed then hit a red button on the side of his van which sounded an air-raid siren heard across the island and some unrecognizable dubstep song. Local fruit merchants immediately began grinding on one another. N'aQualeed pointed at them and leaned in with his lips moving. It looked like he was making a point and then his sly smile burst into a hearty laugh, so this reporter laughed too, but all that could be heard was a sustained high-pitched whistle. [I later found out that the vibrations of the bass in my chest had liquified my pancreas. Luckily the fruit juices in the mojito's I was constantly being fed kept me from slipping into a diabetic shock.]

It has not taken long for the new party boat to create some nightly traditions, with tipsy patrons emptying entire bottles of rum into Lady Liberty's mouth as a sacrifice to the party Gods. The properties of fluid dynamics were mentioned to N'aQualeed, who is apparently aware that the statue-vessle could very well pass a tipping point. “We gonna sink her with rum, or die try-yain!” he yelled over the P.A. System, “When she goes down, that's how you know you did it [partied] right, cool ya!”

Nautical experts are unsure how long the Statue of Liberty will remain seaworthy, given the estimated 15-20 pounds of rum added to the weight of the boat each night. “I figured it would sink like a rock the second it hit the ocean, so apparently the idea of liberty holds a lot of water!” Ovaltine Goose-Shredder said, looking for a high fives. When he realized he would only get cold stares for the pun, he continued, “But seriously, we have no idea why it's floating. Scientifically speaking, it's a death-barge that no one should go near.”

Until the statue goes to the bottom of the ocean the best party in the world will continue to be held there each night, with American patrons coming from Miami by the boat-load. Copperfield is to be arraigned on charges of driving under the influence, disorderly conduct, a brand new degree of vandalism and indecent exposure. The United Nations is set to rule on whether or not losing the Statue of Liberty counts as America scratching the 8-ball in the War on Terror, which would add high treason to Copperfield's charges. Jeter's blimp-yacht is fine.

Local Expert Declares Australia Non-Existant

Ovaltine Goose-Shredder called a press conference at The University of Western Ontario Wednesday morning to make an announcement that would change the way Canadians look at the world. “I've done the research, and based on a sample size of 10,000 I've determined that Australia doesn't exist. The number of people in Canada who have seen it with their own eyes is so small that it can be counted as an anomaly. It would be scientific blasphemy to assume it exists” His findings were immediately questioned by a journalist within the gallery saying, “I was in Australia for a few months last year, it totally exists.” Ovaltine responded.

“You, sir, are claiming you've been to Neverland. Did you see any unicorned-yeti's? They're half horse and half hairy-beast with a huge horn; just wild looking things that are native to 'Australia',” he said with nuclear-sarcasm, “I can make up whatever I want and it will exist on the same level as Australia, because it doesn't, and unicorned-yeti is exactly how crazy you sound right now.”

Goose-Shredder went on to reveal that cultural references like the Dundee Movies could not be counted as evidence in favour of Australia's existence, since fictional movies don't constitute proof of anything, “Hence my Neverland reference.”

He was then challenged on the grounds of his sample, with the assembled journalists wondering if widening the sample size might allow the number of people who have been to Australia to rise above the statistical anomaly. “You would have to get your sample from a country that is in close proximity and has a lot of citizens taking tours. Maybe Australia exists in Japan, I don't know. Japanese scientists would have to take a time-out from inventing square watermelons to crunch the numbers, so don't hold your breath on that. In the meantime, it still doesn't help us here in Canada where Australia doesn't exist.”

Canadian's have warmed up to the idea of Australia not existing quickly. Citizen Danny gave his thoughts on the matter near the Covent Garden Market late Wednesday, “A country full of hilariously accented people, all constantly barbecuing shrimp, who's national pass-time is race riots? That always seemed a little iffy, a little too good to be true.” he said, “it makes perfect sense now that Australia has been declared fictional.”

Police are currently looking into the sale of tickets to Australia by airlines operating out of Canada, with criminal charges already being laid against Air Canada. The Executives currently under arrest are set for trail in the coming weeks. At the arraignment the Judge warned the accused that “if [they] insist that Australia exists one more time...[they will be declared] officially fucking insane. Gavel. Gavel. Gavel.”

Canada Loses Hockey Game, Tumbles into Existential Crisis

The citizens of Canada are reeling today after a 6-5 loss to the Russian's in the semi-final round of the World Junior Hockey Championships. As a nation that prides itself on it's hockey prowess the early exit from the tournament has eroded the sense of national identity and left it's citizens feeling lost and helpless. “If Canada's no good at hockey, what are we?” wailed Local Outragee Sandra, “If Canada is no good at hockey, I'm probably a terrible teacher! Oh! I've ruined so many young lives!” Sandra then fell to her knees under a streetlight before screaming, “Someone stop me! I'm a monster!”

A team of researchers from Britain were documenting the scene while taking Sandra's temperature with an infrared camera. “It's incredible really,” the leader of the expedition said, “North America hasn't seen this kind of national grief since Kennedy. It's a fantastic opportunity for the scientific community.”

Const. McBrady O'Riley, London's New York style cop, was also on scene wearing a red bathrobe over his uniform. He had apparently been wandering aimlessly, since he was well out of his jurisdiction and his car was nowhere to be seen. He seemed surprised to come upon a research team on this dark night, and took the opportunity to listlessly extort money from them. “Hey, Limey, there's fees for operating on this side of the pond.” he said, and the lead researcher put a wad of bills in his hand while the others documented the scene. Const. O'Riley stared at the money for a few seconds before saying “I... I don't even want this” and shoved the bills back into the researchers chest while the rest of his team scribbled furiously on their notepads. He then turned and began shuffling off, mumbling to himself. His last pleading questions before his figure faded into the darkness were “Something? Anything?”

Prime Minister Stephen Harper was in Washington when news of the loss broke. An aide stepped up to Harper during a joint press conference with President Obama and informed him of the loss. Harper returned to the microphone visibly shaken and expressed his grief, “I've just been informed that we have lost a hockey game. A state of emergency has been declared in Canada. We are entering a dark time, but I feel like we as a country can pull through, since the Spengler Cup is still a thing, right? Don't expect police or fire fighters to help you, as they too are suffering the same grief.” It was at this point that the generally robotic Prime Minister began taking a sharp breaths and broke from the prepared remarks he was handed, “If world conflict was settled in hockey brawls we would win everything!” Harper sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve “That legislation has stalled at the United Nations.”

It was at this point that Harper stumbled over to Obama and a tussle broke out, with Harper unsuccessfully wrenching up on Obama's coat repeatedly. Obama was overheard saying “Cut it out Steve, every time I meet with a Canadian the Secret Service makes me wear a tie-down.” Both world leaders then stepped back and shrugged, with Harper collapsing into a panic attack seconds later.

Reaction has come quickly across the hockey world. TSN personality Pierre McGuire was so certain of a Canadian victory that he said he would kill himself live on the air if Canada lost. His first words after the game ended were “Nope, not doing that, welching. Sorry.” King Don Cherry weighed in on the situation, saying “They're just a bunch a stupid kids! What the [expletive deleted] do they know?” before somberly adding “They don't know nothing.” Ron McLean expressed hope for the country, but not without acknowledging the darkness we would have to pass through. “It's going to take us longer to recover from this. It's different than Vancouver. A violent reaction may seem terrible, but it's a quick flash compared to the long slog through depression. I can only hope the best for my fellow countrymen, for if they suffer what it is that I suffer, we are all in a terrible place. A terrible place indeed. Good night and good luck, Canada.”

In their report on the state of grief currently gripping Canada, the British research team has concluded that in order to make the melancholy move on faster it's best to remind Canadians that more hockey games will be played next year, and that although the stakes are higher, a win will feel much sweeter. The lead researcher finished the report saying, “If they win, you can bet your knickers we'll be back to record the national orgasm.” No word yet on what the outcome of the future games are.