After several weeks floating in international waters the Statue of Liberty has been claimed by an entertainment conglomerate from the nation of Barbados. The 225 ton gift from the nation of France to celebrate American's abundance of freedom was dislodged from it's pedestal on Liberty Island in late-December when Derek Jeter flew his yacht into it. Even though a video of the incident surfaced showing the landmark being nudged from it's perch by a one of kind blimp-like flying yacht with his name emblazoned across the side, Jeter told the press that he was pretty sure that nothing happened, so they probably shouldn't look into it. He later confessed that it was David Copperfield's fault the Statue was gone, since Copperfield was the one drunkenly piloting the blimp-yacht.
The Barbadian entertainment conglomerate that has claimed the statue consists of club owners and party promoters who have turned Lady Liberty into a party boat anchored a few kilometers off the coast of the island in the Atlantic ocean. “Lights! Sound system! Everything run off generators, ya! Cash bar cool ya!” touts Pablito, who was hired to set up and maintain the mechanical systems needed to turn the Statue of Liberty into a floating club. “Everything bumps on here, ya! Get dizzy!”
There have been safety issues with the landmark becoming a party boat, with a nightly estimate of 3 to 5 people falling off the over-crowded statue and being lost to the ocean. “It's survival of the fittest! Or survival of whoever isn't closest on the edge, ya” says one of the Barbados based promoters of the party island, N'aQualeed. “It's rescuing that's the problem. We can't hear the cries for help; over the dirtiest bass in the world!!!” N'aQualeed then hit a red button on the side of his van which sounded an air-raid siren heard across the island and some unrecognizable dubstep song. Local fruit merchants immediately began grinding on one another. N'aQualeed pointed at them and leaned in with his lips moving. It looked like he was making a point and then his sly smile burst into a hearty laugh, so this reporter laughed too, but all that could be heard was a sustained high-pitched whistle. [I later found out that the vibrations of the bass in my chest had liquified my pancreas. Luckily the fruit juices in the mojito's I was constantly being fed kept me from slipping into a diabetic shock.]
It has not taken long for the new party boat to create some nightly traditions, with tipsy patrons emptying entire bottles of rum into Lady Liberty's mouth as a sacrifice to the party Gods. The properties of fluid dynamics were mentioned to N'aQualeed, who is apparently aware that the statue-vessle could very well pass a tipping point. “We gonna sink her with rum, or die try-yain!” he yelled over the P.A. System, “When she goes down, that's how you know you did it [partied] right, cool ya!”
Nautical experts are unsure how long the Statue of Liberty will remain seaworthy, given the estimated 15-20 pounds of rum added to the weight of the boat each night. “I figured it would sink like a rock the second it hit the ocean, so apparently the idea of liberty holds a lot of water!” Ovaltine Goose-Shredder said, looking for a high fives. When he realized he would only get cold stares for the pun, he continued, “But seriously, we have no idea why it's floating. Scientifically speaking, it's a death-barge that no one should go near.”
Until the statue goes to the bottom of the ocean the best party in the world will continue to be held there each night, with American patrons coming from Miami by the boat-load. Copperfield is to be arraigned on charges of driving under the influence, disorderly conduct, a brand new degree of vandalism and indecent exposure. The United Nations is set to rule on whether or not losing the Statue of Liberty counts as America scratching the 8-ball in the War on Terror, which would add high treason to Copperfield's charges. Jeter's blimp-yacht is fine.
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