The citizens of Canada are reeling today after a 6-5 loss to the Russian's in the semi-final round of the World Junior Hockey Championships. As a nation that prides itself on it's hockey prowess the early exit from the tournament has eroded the sense of national identity and left it's citizens feeling lost and helpless. “If Canada's no good at hockey, what are we?” wailed Local Outragee Sandra, “If Canada is no good at hockey, I'm probably a terrible teacher! Oh! I've ruined so many young lives!” Sandra then fell to her knees under a streetlight before screaming, “Someone stop me! I'm a monster!”
A team of researchers from Britain were documenting the scene while taking Sandra's temperature with an infrared camera. “It's incredible really,” the leader of the expedition said, “North America hasn't seen this kind of national grief since Kennedy. It's a fantastic opportunity for the scientific community.”
Const. McBrady O'Riley, London's New York style cop, was also on scene wearing a red bathrobe over his uniform. He had apparently been wandering aimlessly, since he was well out of his jurisdiction and his car was nowhere to be seen. He seemed surprised to come upon a research team on this dark night, and took the opportunity to listlessly extort money from them. “Hey, Limey, there's fees for operating on this side of the pond.” he said, and the lead researcher put a wad of bills in his hand while the others documented the scene. Const. O'Riley stared at the money for a few seconds before saying “I... I don't even want this” and shoved the bills back into the researchers chest while the rest of his team scribbled furiously on their notepads. He then turned and began shuffling off, mumbling to himself. His last pleading questions before his figure faded into the darkness were “Something? Anything?”
Prime Minister Stephen Harper was in Washington when news of the loss broke. An aide stepped up to Harper during a joint press conference with President Obama and informed him of the loss. Harper returned to the microphone visibly shaken and expressed his grief, “I've just been informed that we have lost a hockey game. A state of emergency has been declared in Canada. We are entering a dark time, but I feel like we as a country can pull through, since the Spengler Cup is still a thing, right? Don't expect police or fire fighters to help you, as they too are suffering the same grief.” It was at this point that the generally robotic Prime Minister began taking a sharp breaths and broke from the prepared remarks he was handed, “If world conflict was settled in hockey brawls we would win everything!” Harper sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve “That legislation has stalled at the United Nations.”
It was at this point that Harper stumbled over to Obama and a tussle broke out, with Harper unsuccessfully wrenching up on Obama's coat repeatedly. Obama was overheard saying “Cut it out Steve, every time I meet with a Canadian the Secret Service makes me wear a tie-down.” Both world leaders then stepped back and shrugged, with Harper collapsing into a panic attack seconds later.
Reaction has come quickly across the hockey world. TSN personality Pierre McGuire was so certain of a Canadian victory that he said he would kill himself live on the air if Canada lost. His first words after the game ended were “Nope, not doing that, welching. Sorry.” King Don Cherry weighed in on the situation, saying “They're just a bunch a stupid kids! What the [expletive deleted] do they know?” before somberly adding “They don't know nothing.” Ron McLean expressed hope for the country, but not without acknowledging the darkness we would have to pass through. “It's going to take us longer to recover from this. It's different than Vancouver. A violent reaction may seem terrible, but it's a quick flash compared to the long slog through depression. I can only hope the best for my fellow countrymen, for if they suffer what it is that I suffer, we are all in a terrible place. A terrible place indeed. Good night and good luck, Canada.”
In their report on the state of grief currently gripping Canada, the British research team has concluded that in order to make the melancholy move on faster it's best to remind Canadians that more hockey games will be played next year, and that although the stakes are higher, a win will feel much sweeter. The lead researcher finished the report saying, “If they win, you can bet your knickers we'll be back to record the national orgasm.” No word yet on what the outcome of the future games are.
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