Ovaltine Goose-Shredder called a press conference at The University of Western Ontario Wednesday morning to make an announcement that would change the way Canadians look at the world. “I've done the research, and based on a sample size of 10,000 I've determined that Australia doesn't exist. The number of people in Canada who have seen it with their own eyes is so small that it can be counted as an anomaly. It would be scientific blasphemy to assume it exists” His findings were immediately questioned by a journalist within the gallery saying, “I was in Australia for a few months last year, it totally exists.” Ovaltine responded.
“You, sir, are claiming you've been to Neverland. Did you see any unicorned-yeti's? They're half horse and half hairy-beast with a huge horn; just wild looking things that are native to 'Australia',” he said with nuclear-sarcasm, “I can make up whatever I want and it will exist on the same level as Australia, because it doesn't, and unicorned-yeti is exactly how crazy you sound right now.”
Goose-Shredder went on to reveal that cultural references like the Dundee Movies could not be counted as evidence in favour of Australia's existence, since fictional movies don't constitute proof of anything, “Hence my Neverland reference.”
He was then challenged on the grounds of his sample, with the assembled journalists wondering if widening the sample size might allow the number of people who have been to Australia to rise above the statistical anomaly. “You would have to get your sample from a country that is in close proximity and has a lot of citizens taking tours. Maybe Australia exists in Japan, I don't know. Japanese scientists would have to take a time-out from inventing square watermelons to crunch the numbers, so don't hold your breath on that. In the meantime, it still doesn't help us here in Canada where Australia doesn't exist.”
Canadian's have warmed up to the idea of Australia not existing quickly. Citizen Danny gave his thoughts on the matter near the Covent Garden Market late Wednesday, “A country full of hilariously accented people, all constantly barbecuing shrimp, who's national pass-time is race riots? That always seemed a little iffy, a little too good to be true.” he said, “it makes perfect sense now that Australia has been declared fictional.”
Police are currently looking into the sale of tickets to Australia by airlines operating out of Canada, with criminal charges already being laid against Air Canada. The Executives currently under arrest are set for trail in the coming weeks. At the arraignment the Judge warned the accused that “if [they] insist that Australia exists one more time...[they will be declared] officially fucking insane. Gavel. Gavel. Gavel.”
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