Dirtbag Terry was sentenced to 150 hours of community service in a London courtroom early Wednesday morning on possession of a dangerous weapon charges stemming from the night he terrorized the hills surrounding Cherryhill Mall with a crossbow. The Judge decided to forgo jail time for the 23 year old Terry because he seemed like the kind of kid that could do well if given a chance. “His parents named him Dirtbag, I mean, I think the guy just needs a break, from his life,” said The Judge said after the proceedings.
Terry will be serving his community service sentence walking dogs at the Lobo Animal Shelter, an organization that takes in stray dogs from the surrounding counties and tries to place them with adoptive homes. “Hopefully he can relax and get his head on straight out there,” said The Judge, “Caring for something might even give him a whole new calling in life.”
Dirtbag Terry showed up 45 minutes late for his first shift and spent the another 15 minutes ranting about his sentence. “I can't believe no one bailed me out. After I got stabbed in prison Grandpa fucking laughed! I almost died!” he said, “I can't believe what a dick that guy is, I wish those Nazi Hunters had taken him.” He went on to complain that the justice system making him walk dogs against his will out in the middle of nowhere was “some fucking Nazi shit, man, in Canada! I told you there were Nazi's in Canada! They are Canada!”
Terry then proceeded to vocalize every problem he had with the alternative to prison he'd been given. “Cleaning up poop with a shovel? You may have had it thrown at you in prison, but it wasn't your shit to clean up, ya know! And look at this thing,” he said, referring to a miniature poodle that was baring it's teeth and barking at him, “This tiny thing is going fucking crazy! I'm not touching it! Fuck that!”
Dirtbag Terry's community service ended early that day with the police taking him away on charges of stealing dogs. “I thought he was bonding with one of them, turns out he was trying to sneak off with it,” says the manager of the shelter, “he could have adopted the dog... it's like $75 dollars.”
Terry defended his actions, saying, “Do you know how expensive Labradoodles are? I'm not stupid. I could sell that dog and go to Mexico, man, not have to walk a damn thing.”
The Judge determined that yes, Terry was indeed stupid, since all he had to do was show up and walk dogs to stay out of prison, but managed to screw that up for himself within an hour. “I'm sentencing you to the maximum of 60 days in prison for dog theft. I could have just given you a fine, but you blew what was probably the easiest sentence I've handed out in my 15 year career,” he said, adding, “Have fun in prison. Gavel. Gavel. Gavel.” The Labradoodle was fine.
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