An ambulance was called to the Elgin-Middlesex Detention Centre shortly after 9am Wednesday in response to an altercation between two inmates which resulted in one inmate being taken to hospital with stab wounds. Dirtbag Terry was transferred to the London Health Sciences Centre where he was handcuffed to a radiator in the lobby of the emergency ward and given an ample amount of gauze. “I tried to ask him what happened and he just kept mumbling something about the Pro Bowl,” Doctor Doctors-Name said, “I don't want to talk about the Pro Bowl, that's the worst kind of football, so I threw some gauze at him and went and did something important.” When asked what could be more important than suturing a laceration, Doctor Doctors-Name said “I'm a doctor, everything I do is important.” and rushed off for a cigarette.
Const. McBrady O'Riley, the officer tasked with guarding Terry during his medical leave from the prison, disappeared within seconds of entering the hospital to buy a nurse a cup of coffee. During his absence Terry was struck in the face repeatedly by the kid that swore at my Grandma, who's mother still believed that three cookies could give a person diabetes and swore to remain in the hospital until a fifth doctor examined her son. In protest of the amount of time she had been waiting she allowed her little hell-spawned critter to run a sugar-crazed rampage through the waiting room.
“I'm going to lodge a complaint with this hospital,” she said, her child gleefully watching the Fuzzy Peaches he was throwing stick to Terry's enormously bloody chest, “Everyone knows four out of five doctors agree on everything. I need to find that fifth doctor to get the correct diagnosis for my son, and they're just treating us like we're wasting their time.”
Const. McBrady O'Riley returned from his lunch date with the nurse over two hours later, at which point Terry was mostly unconscious, largely covered in bloody gauze, littered with Fuzzy Peaches and soaked in hand sanitizer. The nurse immediately tried to help Terry but seemed unable to pick a point to begin. When she asked Const. O'Riley what happened, he responded by saying “Nah, he's fine, I've been looking after him.” The nurse was quick to call his bluff, since she was the one he was having coffee with while shirking his duties. She demanded to know what happened to Terry before asking the victim why his wounds were full of Fuzzy Peaches.
Const. O'Riley went pretty far out on a limb to try and look like a good guy by telling the nurse that if Terry was bleeding candy it meant he ate, so someone had been looking after him. It was at this point that the nurse screamed, “For pete's sake, what caused the chest wounds?” and Const. O'Riley told her that Terry was stabbed in the chest because prison is hell. He then tried to lighten the mood by saying Terry wanted to watch “Princess Something Princess Princesses. Something about Princesses.” This reporter is pretty sure he meant Say Yes to the Dress, but kept his mouth shut.
An incident report obtained from the Elgin-Middlesex Detention Centre claims that Terry was stabbed by another inmate in an argument over whether the Pro Bowl was the whole point of the NFL season. Terry seemed to think that the players played the 16 game regular season and a small playoff bracket to determine the best players to make two new teams who then play for the league championship. The other inmate thought that the Super Bowl was the league championship and shortly thereafter grew weary of the argument, which he settled with a sharpened piece of fence wire. We're pretty sure Terry is fine, or something. He is currently awaiting trial on weapons charges for running around Cherryhill Mallwith a crossbow.
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