Outrage sparked around the world when Russia and China vetoed a UN resolution tabled by Morocco that would have seen the United Nations intervening in Syria with the end goal of removing the government that has so far killed some 6000 of it's citizens. The general attitude towards the veto has been one of disbelief that such a cut and dry humanitarian intervention could be opposed. “You expect this sort of thing out of China, but for some reason we don't think Russia operates on that level anymore,” says international relations expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder, “what a lot of people don't realize is that they've been slowly reverting back to Soviet style dickish behaviour over the last decade.”
The cause of Russia's regression in general decency on an international scale is largely the fault of it's former/maybe-future president, Vladimir Putin, who's ridiculous attempts to look like some sort of superman indicate a large amount of contempt for fellow humans. “Those artifacts he scuba'd for were planted there. It's such a transparent propaganda campaign that it makes you wonder if they're actually serious, like maybe they're just doing a parody of a shitty propaganda campaign for the world's amusement,” says Goose-Shredder, who is going to owe this reporter $100 when the theatrical release of The Grey hits Russia. “You watch, in two months Putin's going to claim that he killed a wolf with his bare hands. I'm putting $100 bucks on that.”
In hopes of making the world a better place, Ovaltine Goose-Shredder is part of a team of scientists trying to get Putin to the moon. “We figure if we tell him we're sending him to the moon, he'll go. We'll be all like 'Hey man, James Bond went to the moon!' because being James Bond is not something he would say no to, and then we'll leave him there,” says Goose-Shredder, who was hand picked for the project because of his general expertise in everything.
Londoner's have jumped on the idea. “I'm seriously getting sick of sharing the planet with a gaping asshole,” Citizen Danny said late Wednesday outside the JLC, “Give him the moon, awesome, he'd probably just make it look like a butt, so that every time we looked at the moon we'd see a butt, but at least he'd be off the earth.”
The logistics of the project have been worked out already, with the international community handling everything from the rockets to get there to setting up livable moon-quarters. “Russia would probably just Russia-it-up if we let them take the lead,” says Goose-Shredder, adding, “We actually want this to work.”
The only thing that could derail the project, besides Putin's refusal to get in the rocket, is the project being scrapped on the basis that it might create Earth's first real-life cartoonish-supervillan, since base-on-the-moon is pretty much check number one on that list. “Supervillany is a risk we're willing to take, given that the threat is negligible once he's on the moon,” says Goose-Shredder, “Yes, odds are space-madness will make him want to destroy the earth but he will have substantially less resources on the moon, since he will be alone and not be allowed to take any nuclear weapons with him.”
The other possibility is that once on the moon, Putin being all alone in his space suit kicking moon dust while he sulks across the barren landscape might make the people of earth start to feel bad about the banishment. “We would have to fight our own human sympathy. There would be massive public service campaigns to remind us why we asked him to go to the moon in the first place,” says Goose-Shredder, “We can't show any weakness, humanity must toughen it's resolve, I'm starting to feel kind of bad for spearheading this campaign... oh wait, Russia totally fucked Syria. We can do this. Putin, get on the rocket!”
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