A fire started by a celebratory cannon-shot is stretching into it's fourth week of existence behind
the Watford Arena with the local volunteer fire brigade powerless to
combat the blaze. “With all the gasoline and plastics cars just
burn too hot, there's no use putting water on it.” Fire-Chief Mikey
said yesterday. “And the town residents just keep crashing more
cars into it. We lost count at well over one hundred. That was
Monday. Last week.”
The townspeople of Watford have been
spent the past month crashing cars into the fire and claiming the insurance, trading up for nicer and nicer vehicles. “I'm stopping
when I get a Bentley,” One townsperson who refused to give his name
said. “I'm slowly building up equity in my car. I started with an
'89 Taurus, and earlier today I crashed a two year old G6, with
General Motors paying an extra eight months of 'therapy' to cover the
carnage!” The anonymous man then skipped away yelling, “Keep
rollin' rollin' rollin'!”
Avoiding arrest for willfully plowing a
car into a fire is a difficult manoeuvre for the Watfordians. They
can't be seen making the car crash, so they start from over a kilometer away with the car pointed at the fire and wedge the gas
pedal down with a chunk of wood. If the car hits the fire all
evidence of the fraud is burned up, so there is no reasonable means
for the insurance company to refuse payout and no crime that the
police can accurately charge. By saying that the accelerator got stuck down and that they were lucky to bail out before they died the
citizens can also milk a payment from the auto company for lingering
mental duress. The auto companies can afford to settle with a few
thousand for counseling because they were given tens of billions in taxpayer money not that long ago. “It's called trickle down
economics, bitches get paid!” is a common phrase yelled by
participants in the fraud, along with the chorus from the 2000 Limp Bizkit classic “Rollin'”. Just imagine about fifty people
grabbing their crotches and pretend-steering-a-car-off-a-cliff around
a pile of burned out steel shells. Jesus.
Before the citizens started getting
their aim dialed in several cars missed the fire and plowed into the
concrete facade of the arena. The broken concrete building, strewn
auto parts, scattered glass and roaring fire has some residents
hoping that a tornado hits the town. “We know tornadoes don't
really 'clean' but it might spread out the debris in a helpful
manner.” president of the Watford Optimist Club Dave Greene said
Thursday, “Like when my eight year old doesn't want to finish his
baked beans, so he spreads them around his plate so it looks like
there's less. We could go for that right now, but our town is the
plate and the beans are car parts and fire.”
Insurance companies are looking for
any possible reason to not pay out any money, and have hired the
husband of local outragee Sandra to take their case to court. The
question to be resolved now is whether the Watford Parsley Festival
committee, an organization who's 2011 budget was $43, could be at
fault for starting the blaze by firing the cannon that blew up the
car, which would mean an organization with no money in the bank could
owe hundreds of thousands to the insurance companies, with the money
possibly coming straight out of the homes and businesses of local
citizens. A now sober Ovaltine Goose-Shredder has volunteered to
argue in court on behalf of the town. “Really, anything I can do to
fuck up that guys day, I will, your honour.” Goose-Shredder said of
Sandra's husband at the Thursday court-date. He then argued that the
start of the fire was an act of God. “According to the preacher Firestone, God is in everything, including cannonballs. The guy has
been talking for six months straight and on August 21st he
specifically said God is in cannonballs.” The Judge found no reason
to dispute this, and qualified the ruling by saying that he didn't
necessarily buy the God thing but he "really hate[s] insurance
companies. Gavel. Gavel. Gavel."
This is good news for the residents of
Watford, as they will get to keep all the money that has been paid
out and presumably continue to take advantage of the legal loophole a
trunk-full of exploding grain alcohol has opened up. Dirtbag Terry
has claimed twelve cars so far. “My buddy has an auto wrecking
yard, I bought six cars from him this week, but they keep getting
burned up.” he said Thursday evening. “Damnedest thing.” When asked what he
might do with the money. Dirtbag Terry said that he was going to
invest in lottery tickets. “I could buy a lot of Mexico with that
talking preacher man lotto. It's at about $8 billion right now.”
Environmental experts are hopeful that
the residents of Watford will collect enough money to stop crashing
cars into fire within the coming weeks and the blaze comes under
control, as incidents of asthma amongst Watford children have raised
4500% since black smoke began choking the town. Any hope that some
hard hitting journalism could bring an end to the fire was dashed
when I showed up, since Piss-Awesome Journalism has little to do with facts and isn't taken seriously by anyone.
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