New Findings Suggest Italians Prefer Justice over Science

Italian courts have sentenced a group of Italian scientists from the Italian Risk Assessment Bureau to six years in Italian prison for not telling Italian people to be worried about something that statistically wasn't going to happen, leading experts to conclude that Italian people will continue to serve their idea of justice even if it is at odds with reasoning and logical faculties. Local expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder is ambivalent about the verdict. “This is an alternately great and horrible day for science, horrible because this perversion of justice is making me sick, but great because watching the Italian people bypass the logic humans use to guide decision making so they could satisfy their revenge drive could potentially point to the missing link.” he said Thursday. “The scientific community has had their theories about the Italian's place in the evolutionary ladder, and we've been waiting for them to make this kind of unevolved decision for a while.”

The specific perversion of justice, Goose-Shredder points out, is that the probability of a massive earthquake shaking Italy is exactly as high now as it was when those scientists were asked to convene for a short while and waste their time discussing tremors, as the earth has an estimated 3900 tremors a day. “Tremors are not a predictor of greater seismic activity. If scientists put any stock in tremors there would be 3900 earthquake warnings a day. Stack that against the average number of earthquakes measuring above 6.0 on the richter scale per day, like the one that hit Italy in 2009 and caused 309 deaths, and tremors would predict large earthquakes exactly 1.2% of the time. Out of 100. That's a horrible score, and something that is right only 1% of the time should be ignored. That's called science.”

Despite the reputation dashing verdict, the news has piqued the international interest in a country that barely even crosses the minds of people eating pizza and put Italy on the forefront of daily conversations. “I feel like I have a real understanding of them now,” citizen Danny said late Thursday outside Piero's, “Watching them playing the class bully because they think their amateur hindsight is more valid than an expert's foresight really makes Italy make sense. No kidding these people have fascism in their history, sided with the Nazi's and elected Berlusconi. ”

While most of the world is shaking their head at the decision, the head of the Catholic church is not. In a statement made early Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI praised the court's decision, saying “Fuck yeah ya went biblical on poindexter maFUCK.” He then turned his back on the crowd to begin slapping a mural of Copernicus being burned at the stake and screamed “We don't need no water” several times. At this point his hat fell off because everyone who has figured out that a hat with a high centre of gravity needs an anchor point at the bottom gets accused of sciencery and chased out of the Vatican. Witnesses say that he has the whitest hair of any human ever, and that people should start throwing water balloons full of purple hair dye at him because damn, that would be hilarious. Just imagine him walking up to the Queen with purple hair. She would, like, gasp at the impropriety. At least 15 people said exactly that after the Pope's hat fell off.