GASP Begins Active Resistance with a Press Confrence

Swedish resistance fighter Axel Hjalmar, head of Google is Actually Slaughtering People [GASP], is putting together what he hopes will be a grassroots resistance campaign to effectively end “the tyranny of the Google.” Early Thursday Hjalmar called a press conference to announce GASP's need for participants to actively resist the monolithic corporation. “They are so massive, the reach of what we are trying to destroy is undeniable. They are like a worm. If you cut it in half you just have two smaller worms that keep doing their worm things, even though they're only half worms. This is Google. Their reach is such that small efforts on our part prove to only be minor hindrances, minor hindrances that are easily sidestepped by another arm of the corporation.” This is why Hjalmar is now calling for a worldwide campaign against Google. “Google must be struck by a network of people that can match point for point, stride for stride, the global reach of the corporation. Only when struck along enough points can the monstrosity that Google has become be brought down.”

Hjalmar's efforts to rally the world hinge on him convincing enough people that Google is actually a threat, as it is difficult to find fault with much of the way the company does business. According to Hjalmar, the fact that Google exists on the level that it does is cause enough for resistance. “Anything that size is a threat, but if you would like me to be more specific, I shall. Google has created the capacity to track a person's every move through a physical world they have recorded every inch of. They know about a person's every purchase and can put it together on a scale to make a picture of a world-wide economy. Google has every thought that runs across a person's mind and into their phone. For Google to use their technology against people, it's a turn of a peg, it's simply a choice and they would be unstoppable. Particularly if a world government commandeered their technology and infrastructure, or even colluded with them. The world would become terrifying very quickly if Google made a different choice, and already it has begun.”

The beginning of the switch from Google being the happy-go-lucky-buddy-buddy-hug-friend of corporations to something more sinister and bad for humanity has been investigated by Hjalmar while he was on an Antarctic skiing expedition. During Hjalmar's fourth month sojourn on the frozen continent he gathered information on Google's Secret Antarctic Base, a facility located in the international zone to make major advancements in the field of market research that would be illegal or inefficient in populated areas of the world. Hjalmar says that Google is indeed cloning people “against their will” after their DNA was scanned and sent to Google servers via a blood sugar testing app on their smart-phones. The clones are then made to walk through a mock grocery store 10 000 times to see what products a specific person gravitates towards. Once they have this data Google will begin targeting specific people with advertisements on their smart-phones for products the person's clone went for most often, meaning advertisers can now target products that a person isn't even conscious of wanting. And then the clones are released and shot.

Antarctica is the only place on earth, that isn't a boat, where this sort of research could take place, since there is so much red tape concerning human cloning in the first world countries and the more outlawish states would require tens of millions in bribes to operate in. Also, shooting people that you created is illegal everywhere with laws.

Google says that the people who are being cloned are not being cloned against their will, since allowing themselves to be cloned is a clause in Google's standard licence agreement everyone has to accept before using their products. “Most of the internet using world are willing participants in our latest marketing study.” a representative of Google said in an e-mail exclusive to Piss-Awesome Journalism, which is odd because they gave the quote before the article had even been published, but knew exactly what to say, leading to speculation that they are reading my word processor? Terrifying.

Anyone who wants to join the fully democratic resistance collective known as GASP can begin associating loosely with other like-minded individuals and disrupting Google's activities, says GASP leader Axel Hjalmar. “Really, anything that can be done to chip away at their monolithic presence on our earth, the better.” Hjalmar said Thursday. “Google is beyond viral, they are the infrastructure. Pictures of cats go viral on the internet. Google is the internet. They can tell those cats to shut up if they want, shut up to death, or how do you say in English, go away. Go away, cats. Transmission over.”