Rich People Pissed about Obama Re-Election; Accuse Elmo of Sexual Misconduct

The captains of industry who own the media conglomerates that have bombarded us with election coverage for the last year and a half are allegedly lashing out at us in spite for re-electing Barack Obama to his second term in office over the wealthy classes' lizard-in-a-human-suit Mitt Romney. One CEO let the plan slip in a post-election press conference, saying, “If you're going to use an election to ruin our day, we're going to use our news organizations to ruin yours. I can't believe what an asshole you people are, you people being everyone outside my country club.”

In order to ruin all our days, it was reported Tuesday that Kevin Clash, voice and puppeteer to the furry red Elmo Muppet that we all love, had a sexual relationship with what at the time was an underage boy in the state of New York. These allegations, which were made anonymously by the person who said them, were recanted by whoever the next day, leading many to suspect that the whole thing was orchestrated by FOX News to make the whole world feel bad, because they feel bad. Even though none of the allegations have been proven, resident celebrity gossip expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder says that Elmo has a stink on him now, and it probably won't go away. “No one lives down sexual misconduct. Late Night comedians are still making their livings off President Clinton.”

FOX's maybe plan to cause everyone mental dress is designed to last for a long time. The allegations against Clash were brought to the attention of the production company that makes Sesame Street in the summer of 2011, and the organization conducted several independent and in-house investigations, none of which could substantiate the claim. Despite this, we will never hear the end of Elmo-the-paedophile jokes, and are quite possibly witnessing the birth of an immortal comedy bit. “Because of the connotations that come along with working on Sesame Street, we will never hear the end of this. The bit writes itself, and hack comedians banking on limp shock value will be spouting it for decades.” explains Goose-Shredder. “Meanwhile, the end of everything shocking was buried with GG Allin. Any attempt to be shocking really seems pathetic in comparison. You would have to rape someone on stage to top that guy. It's pretty much the only thing he didn't do.”

The attempt at worldwide mental duress is a two pronged attack, as it not only subjects the planet to incessant, terrible jokes, but each mention of Elmo's sexual misconduct will remind us that even the perceived innocence of the world is only that, a veil masking a destruction of the pure and good hearts that-did they ever exist? Fuck. There's the question. Was this planet ever good at all?

Despite humanity facing an eternity of existential trauma, everyone is still upbeat about not being subjected to four years of a Romney White House. Seriously, the guy doesn't know what not having money is. He's never lifted a box in his life. He doesn't know what it's like to be a person on this earth. He would have been a terrible leader. A Romney was dodged, but the other shoe dropped really quickly. We lost Elmo. Always a catch in this God damned universe.