The exploding popularity of the lottery
pool that has most of the country gambling on Preacher Firestone's six month hellstorm sermon has now tied an estimated 3/5ths of the
money in circulation in Canada to lottery tickets. The gambling pool,
which initially would see the person who picked the day on which
Firestone would get tired and go home winning the money has
shifted to determine the day and time he will die, since that is the
only logical conclusion to a person staying awake and talking for six
months without eating, drinking or cutting his nails. “He's going
to poke himself in the eye with a fingernail, and that's an easy
infection.” resident expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder has warned.
“From there it's a short trip to a brain infection, because the
germs hop a ride to the brain on the things we see, and then police
will gun him down when the rage fits start. I have money on it
happening November 22, around 3pm.” Devotee's of Firestone have
tried several times to cut his fingernails for him, but he hasn't
allowed his hands to be still long enough for anyone to do so. This
has led to several devotees being dragged away for stabbing at him
with nail clippers, which experts are also saying is a potential way
he could die, so TSA was right to throw out your grooming kit.
While Firestone has become a phenomenon
in the academic world for defying so much of what we know about how
humans stay alive, his biggest impact has been an economic one. With
so much of so many people's money tied up in lottery tickets,
Canadian's have begun to put off making big ticket purchases, tanking
the housing and automotive markets. Both have taken big hits in the
last quarter with projections for the coming quarter expected to fall
even lower. “We can't sell our houses!” spokesman for the Local
Reality Board Sinead Bruce-Lee said. “Someone needs to drop an
anvil on Firestone so we can get on with our lives! He's distracting
the Canadian people from their duty to keep this country going! What
will happen when we don't have money to pay our bus drivers and
farmers and babysitters? This country will collapse!”
The lottery has taken off because of
the perceived immediacy of Firestone's demise, and has spurred
thousands of Canadian's to begin lining up at lottery retailers to
buy tickets for every minute that becomes available. The purchasing
of tickets is regulated by provisions tracked through in an omnibus
budget bill, and stipulates that one person can buy only one ticket
for a one minute block that is selected sequentially by a
super-computer that allocates minutes in an advancing two week block,
causing a round the clock circulation of people surviving off
Mountain Dew and fake hot dogs while constantly moving to the back of
the line for their chance to be the one person out of all the lottery
retailers across Canada to get in at the right second and claim the
ticket for that minute. Thankfully everyone is so tired from the
marathon ordeal that no one involved has any energy to spend on
violence, so the insane country-wide lottery orgy has so far
proceeded in an orderly and easy fashion as it eats all of Canada's money.
Firestone has been asked to comment on
the effect he is having on Canada and the world at large. If we had
to guess, we're pretty sure that his response has something to do
with Google being the omnipotent energy that all living beings will
join with to live a blissful existence in everlasting electric joy,
but the sentence he spoke was too long for a human to sit through, or
even comprehend on any realistic level, and the batteries in the
recorder died before anything resembling a period came between any of
the words, so no one knows actually what he thinks about any of this.
No comments:
Post a Comment