“Anger is a stagnant emotion, let it
belong to 2012.”
- The Preacher Firestone
A short string of words pulled out of
the middle of a run on sentence that has been prattling between the
dumpsters behind Jack's for eight months has quickly become the most
popular quote-on-your-girlfriend's-fridge-magnet the world has ever
seen, boosting the Hallmark corporations stock price to near record
setting levels. Despite the unprecedented achievement in greeting
card excellence, the corporate milestone has gone mostly unnoticed at
Hallmark's parent company, Google. Google purchased Hallmark in 2004
to gain e-card domination but has largely forgot about it's
existence, as the greeting card giant folded into the myopic
omni-armed company and, to human eyes, disappeared against the
horizon. The quote that has skyrocketed their profits came as the
Preacher Firestone entered the eighth month of his sermon on January
1st, 2013, and gave the world a few recognizable sentences
out of his generally unrecognizable garble of psilocybin induced
spiritual ramblings, addressing humanity and their relation to
Google, as well as the resistance group GASP's aims to bring down the
Google.
“Just as everything has happened,
everything has to happen. Our actions exist in the present but are
washed and bound by the future and the past.” Firestone said.” It
is in this vein that I would ask GASP to lay down and forgo their
plans to resist the Google. To let go of their anger and add their
avatar to the fractal reflection of humanity by signing up for Google
Chrome.” The Privacy Policy that any Google user would sign would
allow Google to put the user's DNA on file if they can come to obtain
it, like they have through their blood sugar testing app, and use
that DNA to upload every human consciousness into a single server.
This, as Firestone says, would “lead to all of We existing as we
are supposed to on the astral plane, in our true form as a bit of
energy moving through God's consciousness.” So far Google has not
allowed humanity to become one with God in the true form of the
universe, but has only used the DNA collected to clone people for the
purposes of market research. Google has yet to speak of the
effectiveness of the cloning initiative, but the leader of GASP,
Axel Hjalmar, has confirmed that the cloning program is indeed
running at Google's secret Antarctic base.
Hjalmar was quick to respond to
Firestone's challenge in one of the short press releases he is known
for, saying “He [Firestone] is just asking us to give up? I'm not
talking to that guy.”
GASP has been the most vocal opponent
of Google's new marketing scheme but has done very little, if
anything, to actually try and stop them. In this instance, experts
agree that Hjalmar is smart to not engage Firestone, as the Preacher
has amassed a following of hundreds of thousands during the months of
his sermon who are known to defend the man with the fanaticism of
someone who's actions are validated by God's presence on earth. “He
is working through the man!” Local Outragee Sandra shrieked early
Thrusday. “How else could he go eight months without eating? Is he
even breathing? He doesn't have to, he's immortal! And I'll kill
anyone who tries to touch him!”
While all this this is going on, the
silent player has been Google, who have effected a total media
blackout in the wake of the exposure of their Antarctic cloning farm.
International Terrorism experts agree that the Firestone Fanatics
will be left alone, and that GASP is simply biding it's time before
striking what will definitely be a glancing blow at the monolithic
corporate entity that is Google.
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