Ovaltine Goose Shredder Takes a Shot at Godhood

Ovaltine Goose-Shredder pitched an investigative piece to Piss Awesome Journalism and it went so horribly we had to print it. The off the charts amount of attention The Preacher Firestone is currently receiving has pushed Goose-Shredder to an insane and clearly unhealthy jealousy, leading him to posit the hypothesis that becoming prophet-like is only a matter of the amount of drugs one ingests. To test this theory, Ovaltine Goose-Shredder ate a quarter ounce of psilocibin mushrooms and tried to write an article that would accurately convey his prophet-like qualities. The copy he turned in was a sheet of lined paper that had been torn in half with the word sizzles written in the bottom right corner. Here it is re-printed in it's entirety.

                                                                                                                  sizzles.

A call was placed to Goose-Shredder by Piss Awesome Journalism about halfway through his experiment, he estimates. “Time is a part of real-life, and real life doesn't exist when you're on mushrooms. I'm assuming I got the call halfway through the trip because I was high as balls when I was talking to you.” he says. This is the transcript:

Ovaltine Goose-Shredder: [voice sounds faint] Jesus Christ? Hello?

Piss Awesome Journalism: Hey, what's going on? How's the propheting coming along?

OGS: [faint] Where are you?

PAJ: Right here in the phone, dude.

OGS: [yelling faintly] No you're... I'm fucking high man, don't do that!

PAJ: What's the issue?

[twenty seconds pass]

PAJ: Hey!

OGS: [loud] Proximity!

PAJ: So now that...

OGS: Near and far.

PAJ: How...

OGS: [voice goes faint to loud] Near and far.

PAJ: How...

OGS: It all depends how close you are.

PAJ: [waits several seconds] ... Are you done yet?

OGS: Not... yet?

PAJ: So how is the piece coming along?

OGS: The piece of what?

PAJ: Writing.

OGS: Good... I can't concentrate at all. It will be good.

PAJ: Good?

OGS: The thing is... it's hard. I can only remember the last word, so I'm trying to remember it backwards.

PAJ: Just write something new if you can't remember it.

OGS: No, like, it is new, I just can't remember it.

PAJ: You mean you actually don't have anything?

OGS: NO! I have it, I just need to remember it.

PAJ: Right, well I'm going to plan on running some other story then, and you have fun tripping balls.

OGS: What? Wait, am I on drugs?

PAJ: Yes.

OGS: [whispering] Oh, that makes so much sense.

The phone was abandoned by Goose-Shredder at this point. The rest of the transcript is just random yelling with intermittent giggling. Suffice to say, there is now scientific proof that being a prophet is more than just a matter of how high you are. If you happen to find Ovaltine Goose-Shredder, it is requested that you notify the Ontario Provincial Police. He didn't kill anyone, that we know, so you can approach him, maybe, but Piss Awesome Journalism would like to know where he is, because he was on assignment for us when he went missing and we are kind of on the hook for it. Any information is appreciated.