British Parliment [REDACTED] and Also [REDACTED]

The British parliament has passed a law to allow secret court proceedings and voted not to add any of the official opposition's amendments for judicial discretion to tame the bill. Should the bill pass in the House of Lords, defendants in Britain could face trial without knowing details of the evidence against them, provided the evidence is deemed to cause a national security risk should it become public record. The move has shocked many professed defendants of civil liberty, since how one would ever prove whether the secret evidence is inappropriate is lost in the void with the sound of one hand clapping.

Figurehead of the resistance movement GASP and self described anarcho-liberitary-freedom-fetishist Alex Hjalmar disputes the new law as he disputes everything, in relation to Google. “These countries are setting up black zones for dispensing their justice. GASP considers it unacceptable for Britain to create a place where Google can hide their influence on the world.” He said late Thursday via satellite uplink. “Where is the oversight for a secret national security trial? It is far too easy for a country to define something as a national security interest.” Hjalmar then pointed to a chart that outlined the three ways that Britain could define something as a national security interest, by:

1. Saying it involves Britain
2. Saying it involves an international interest of Britain's
3. No need for three, most of the world is covered by 1 and 2

When asked, hey man, are you even capable of chilling out on the Google thing by a reporter from the CBC, Hjalmar responded by saying that “any relenting in the face of the Google is an invitation for the beast to overrun one's will.” and refused to ever answer any question from the CBC ever again, as “[the CBC] has clearly shown themselves to be compromised by the Google through [their] attempt to subvert [my] will.” GASP's transmission was then interrupted by Little Mosque on the Prarie re-runs in some regions.

Not everyone is convinced the new law is outright bad, as some experts have pointed out that Britain legalizing trial by secret evidence might actually be a step towards a more open court system. “It's weird that they're announcing that they're going to do things in secret, because normally governments just do things in secret without telling anyone.” Citizen Danny said Thursday, “This might not necessarily be a curtailing of civil liberties, but actually the beginning of a judicial review of covert operations.” Danny was quick to point out that this theory is not an endorsement on his part. “Governments err on the side of caution when they decide what will effect national security, so they tend to get shit wrong in it's name all the time. I mean, the US government is going to burn Bradley Manning at the stake for leaking all those documents, even though they don't actually think he did any harm. They're just setting up the example to protect US interests from future whistleblowers.” Adding, “Am I sounding more like Goose-Shredder? I used the word 'curtailing' and everything!”

Most citizens are wary of the new law, not only because of the idea of secret evidence being used by the state in judicial proceedings, but because the Orwellian hyperbole that has been spouted by some of the law's supporters is hinting at further darkness to come. Specifically a quote from Jack Straw, former Foreign Minister for the Labour Party, who said “Let's remind ourselves – and this isn't scaremongering, it happens to be true [that without such intelligence] – there would have been scores of really serious atrocities killing your constituents and many others”. Straw then went on to remind everyone that their family will be exploded if trial by secret evidence is not allowed. But he wasn't scaremongering. Citizen Danny disagrees. “That guy sucks. I'll bet Goose-Shredder would have come up with a pie graph showing the number of people blown up by terrorists vs. the number of people killed by power-drunk governments or something. I mean, if you can re-animate the dead, you can put together a pie chart.”