James Betty Finds Easter Full of Fear, Trembling

Alright, I've tried to come at this story from a few angles and they've all failed. This one centres so much around myself that it makes trying to write it with any sort of objective distance seem like a bad joke. In that vein, for today I'm just going to call myself an archivist to prevent any violation of the journalistic integrity of this publication. But Jeez-Louise does this story have me freaked out.

Earlier this week I thought I would start recording my life 24 hours a day, because last week I decided I was going to start living my life like a work of art and it needed to be documented. I attended my family's Easter celebration on a warm Sunday afternoon with my digital audio recorder in my shirt pocket to put the Betty clan's 25^th annual Easter Egg Battle Royale on record. It's kind of like the Hunger Games, except we destroy food instead of people. Each of the around 40 participants decorate a hard boiled egg and gather on the front lawn, and with everyone standing in a circle all the eggs are flung into the centre repeatedly until only one is left. That one is the winner. It wasn't mine. I finished second. I always finish second. In fact I'm getting a little sick of always being second place. That's how seriously we take this. There's a sash where your name joins the annals of family history. Anything with annals is serious.

But this isn't about me playing second fiddle to someone who should probably have an asterisk next to her win, because my Aunt's a pharmacist so of course she's got some form of doping going on. This is about the conversation I recorded with my Grandmother Muriel before the egg toss, where I realized that it's a pity no one was recording my Grandmother's life, because her knowing there was a witness around might have saved a few lives over the years. There's only one way to tell this story, and it's in Muriel's own words. The following is a transcript of the conversation I had Sunday afternoon with my Grandma Muriel on a sunny lawn.

James Betty: “These eggs would feed a lot of starving people in central Africa, you know.”

Muriel Betty: “They would go bad before they got there if we mailed them, dearie.”

JB: “I know that, it's just the principle of the thing.”

MB: “Just enjoy the game with your family. Don't attach too much to it. The important part is that we're all here, and we're happy there's another spring. It's a rebirth for all of us.”

[long pause]

MB: “Are you going to take issue with the blessing before the meal too?”

JB: “No, the blessing is nice. It's nice to hear someone voice their best wishes.”

MB: “Then why are you being a brat about the game we play?”

JB: “Because it's just a game, and I don't really have much else to say.”

MB: “Oh dearie, you can tell me anything.”

JB: “No I can't.”

MB: “Did I ever tell you about the conscientious objector I killed in 1940?”

JB: “What?”

MB: “He was assigned to be a firefighter in my hometown. One day when he came by my father's farm to buy some eggs I asked him why he hadn't gone to fight with all the other boys in town. He said he wouldn't raise a hand in violence against his fellow man. Now I don't know why the hell he thought Jerry didn't deserve a good whipping, and I asked him how a no good coward could still go showing his face around town. He said some gibberish about 'being the flesh the evils of the world make themselves known against' and it didn't make a lick of sense because Jerry was just awful, so I raised my pistol at him and said Mister, am I going to shoot you or are you going to stop me? Well he must have thought I was joking because he just laughed, and that didn't scare me one bit so I shot that coward down. From there I went running straight to the Judge who ran the General Store and told him what I did. He gave me a butterscotch candy for being such an imaginative girl. Never did say what he thought of the murder, though.”

JB: “No.... no no no...”

MB: “Around 1980 I finally started to understand what he had said, about being the flesh the evils of the world make themselves known against. I had to regret it first, but I had to get far enough from the person I was back then to do that. Then I understood. That man gave me his life to teach me that lesson.”

JB: “Lessons can be taught by talking too...”

MB: “Try to go your whole life without killing anyone, James.”

JB: “... Okay Grandma.”

MB: “Have a cookie, dearie.”

JB: “Is that a threat?”

MB: “You might have missed the point.”

Woah! Right? I still don't know how to process this, but the phrase “grandfathered in” makes so much sense now. Does she still have a handgun? Do senior citizens just have piles of illegal shit lying around their houses? What's in my Grandmother's attic? Whatever questions remain, the important lessons are clear: Grandma has a gun and she's not afraid to use it. Happy Easter everybody!

If We'd Just Stranded Putin on the Moon 2 Years Ago Like I Fucking Said...

Vladimir Putin could be ineffectually kicking moon dust and drinking a beige Russian knock-off of Tang through a zero-gravity crazy straw right now, but he isn't because a plan for Putin to live out the rest of his years in voluntary exile on the moon was passed over by the international community two years ago. As an idea, Putin getting off the Earth was very popular, but the costs involved in setting up a self-sufficient habitation on the moon proved prohibitive and the idea was dismissed as fun to think about but not a pragmatic use of resources, at least not until earlier this week when having Putin around started costing people their countries.

What began with the annexation of the Crimean province of southern Ukraine has led to Russian backed groups of armed rebels storming government and police buildings in parts of eastern Ukraine. With this, Russia has stationed a large military force on their Ukrainian border and vowed to invade if any ethnic Russians are attacked by Ukrainian forces, essentially daring Ukraine to raise a hand against the people tearing their country apart. International Relations expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder says the situation is a case of entrapment on an international scale. “Russia are really being dicks here,” he said in a text message early Thursday, “sending [Russian] operatives in to stir up shit [in Ukraine] so they can have an excuse to invade? This is the kind of reprehensible trash only Russia could pull.”

The international community, while widely condemning Russia's actions, has reaffirmed that they made the correct decision in not sending Putin to the moon because the dismantling of Ukraine is looking more like a Russia problem than simply a Putin one. “What we're dealing with here is a country that feels they have the right to annex property to bring about their fated return to former glory as the Soviet Republic,” an unnamed source inside the United Nations said. The source was quick to point out that Russia was not bringing communism back, but that they were after the landmass, resources and international prestige the country enjoyed during the Soviet era. “Putin being gone would make no difference, Russia historically has had a giant head and they're looking to swell it some more. It would happen with any leader [in Russia].” The source also noted that Russia's use of extortion and entrapment for gaining wealth fit with their current post-Soviet economic model.

Russia's actions as of late have put the general public on edge, as the accumulating threats and incidents point towards a re-emergence of a Cold War mentality. What worries the public most is the precedent that Russia's annexation set. If Russia feels they have the right to take control of any piece of territory where people speak Russian, they could conceivably pull the move on the entire former Soviet bloc, as well as certain neighbourhoods in London and New York. Stopped for comment on Richmond late Thursday, Citizen Danny expressed doubt in Russia's competence as an actor on the international stage. “Didn't [Russia] give a bunch of women two years in the gulag for being objectively awesome? And then their whole gay thing? [Russia] is too clueless to be a country.” Experts agree that Russia's right to be a country seems to be based more on the fact that they've always been a country, and not on any qualitative judgement of the worth of their actions. Citizen Danny hopes Russia will “chill out with the invasions” soon.

Ovaltine Goose-Shredder Chased to Countryside After Copping to Gross Negligance

Revelations of Ovaltine Goose-Shredder being the architect of the biorobo genome that exploded out of Google's Antarctic cloning facility in a technology destroying fury have shaken the already tepid public perception of the world's foremost mad scientist, leading Goose-Shredder to duck from the public eye and conduct his press conference in a largely deserted restaurant south of Mount Forest, Ontario. Showing a rare sign of humility, Goose-Shredder allowed his prepared statement to be interrupted and indulged the overwhelming question of how he could do this to us. Goose-Shredder began by insisting that he did not believe the technology to bring the biorobo genetic code to life existed, and that he only created the code out of the barest necessity. “Look, I needed a job,” he said early Thursday, “and I needed a place to sleep because I accidentally blew up my house, and I needed a distraction because my wife Karen had her first death in that explosion, and trust me, the first time your spouse dies is by far the hardest one to deal with.” In summation, Goose-Shredder needed to get out of town, and an avenue that popped up happened to be a Swedish national offering a bunk on a boat to anyone who knew how to code a genome. Even though Goose-Shredder didn't know how to code a genome, he says he didn't let that stop him from taking the position.

The experience of working on the boat was a trying one for Goose-Shredder, who said Hjalmar would get in his grill every day about “'Google is evil' this and 'technology will only destroy us' that.” Despite avoiding him as much as possible, Goose-Shredder got to know Hjalmar well enough to realize that the GASP leader has a much deeper investment beyond what he sees as his noble crusade in the defence of human agency and creativity. “Now me, in the time I worked with [Hjalmar], I didn't ever believe Google had a secret cloning base, and I made sure [Hjalmar] knew that.” Goose-Shredder said, explaining that his discussions with Hjalmar would get heated to the point where the scientist would end up throwing Erlenmeyer flasks at him, something Hjalmar tolerated because he didn't know Goose-Shredder didn't know anything about coding DNA. Goose-Shredder spent 6 months on Hjalmar's boat putting together the biorobo genome, but it only took a few weeks for him to begin noticing patterns in the way Hjalmar conducted himself. “It started with the salt and pepper shakers always having to be touching each other. If I separated them even a little bit, a centimetre even, he would push them together so they were touching. He couldn't leave the room until he'd done that.” From there, Goose-Shredder began watching the way Hjalmar washed dishes, and noticed that every individual cup, plate and utensil had a pre-staged place on the counter, a place in the drying rack and a place in the cupboard, and the process was the exact same every day. Once Goose-Shredder began looking for them, the habits became very easy to spot, and he realized that Hjalmar had a catalogue of everything he interacts with over the day and he has to line everything back up with a picture that's been burned into his thoughts before he goes to bed. Goose-Shredder says that Hjalmar didn't just start GASP for the benefit of humanity, but because Hjalmar is worried about Google becoming so pervasive that it becomes a prerequisite for interacting with people. “Hjalmar is worried about something he doesn't trust fixing itself between him and the people he loves. That changing the way we relate might change the relationship.” If this is true, Hjalmar would be trying to get rid of Google because the company doesn't line up in his head as part of the path to his relationships. However, what Goose-Shredder thinks Hjalmar might have overlooked in his marine based defence of his personal relationships, is that no one wants you around when you stink like crayfish all the time.

Goose-Shredder continued to insist that at no point has he ever wanted to disrupt Google's activities, saying that at all times coding the biorobo genome “was simply a project, and not something that [he] ever thought would be brought into the world.” Asked why he didn't go work for Google when he had no allegiance to Hjalmar's cause, Goose-Shredder says that working for Google was never an option. “I said I wasn't very good at genetics when I answered Hjalmar's ad, and the truth is I'm still not, even though I've coded a successful genome,” he explained. Goose-Shredder feels that compared to Google's geneticists he is “still the wimpy kid on the playground,” but insists that is only metaphorically speaking because he “still has more swagger than Google's entire science division put together.” To back up this assertion, Goose-Shredder pointed out that he frequently “drinks scotch until awesome things happen,” but also noted that he is a long way away from Google's geneticists in terms of things like ability and understanding. “Google's geneticists could have put [the biorobo genome] together in 1/20^th the time it took me, and then they would still have the copyright on the technique for bringing it to life. I don't have a damn clue how to do that. My idea for bringing something to life was putting a two stage pump where a sea lion's heart used to be.”

While he lags behind Google's genetics department in skill and knowledge, Goose-Shredder did find some solace in being on the scientific fringe. “A tech firm never would have thought to put together a technology destroying organism, in fact they probably would have just put together something altogether more helpful for humanity.” After proving himself inept, Goose-Shredder floundered for an ego boost. “I mean, it's interesting, right? [The biorobos] are something that could only have come about from a crazy person putting out an ad for a bent mind. We did something that no one else could have done, because they deemed it outside the scope of their necessity, but Hjalmar and I were crazy enough to need [the biorobos].” Goose-Shredder then remembered his need to distance himself from Hjalmar, saying “Wait, I hate [Hjalmar]. He's a dick. I threw Erlenmeyer flasks at him and I bet some of them hurt. You're welcome, World.”

Stopped for comment on Goose-Shredder's appeal for thanks outside the Covent Garden Market late Thursday, Citizen Danny expressed outrage over the forced resignation of the technology he's bought over the years. “Thanks Goosie, thanks for all the bullshit. I mean, I know I tend to accidentally throw my phone at the ground all the time, and occasionally use it as a coaster, but those are my choices, or my fault at least. Now some giant plant is going to push me down and steal my phone? Fuck! Are you kidding? I just bought this one, it's not even broken yet!”

While the mood of the general public is keeping him out of populated areas for now, Ovaltine Goose-Shredder's long term fate will depend on what the authorities make of his involvement in the biorobo genome project. After insisting several times during the press conference that he had no intention of letting loose the biometric robocop horde upon the world, Goose-Shredder made an impassioned plea to distance himself from his creation, saying“It was just a project for me, you know? I just coded the genome, I didn't know Hjalmar knew how to bring it to life.” Goose-Shredder then added what amounted to a Napster Defence, saying “Are we going to start punishing people for spreading ideas now?” Goose-Shredder was informed that yes, when the idea is bad enough, a person can be punished for it. “Oh right, racism. Well,” Goose-Shredder said as he edged away from the podium, “well maybe you might not see me for a long time or a while. It's been fun, I'll try to keep in touch. Maybe...” Goose-Shredder concluded the press conference by disappearing out the back door of the establishment.

Ovaltine Goose-Shredder Turns Evil; Hjalmar Same Jerk as Always

World leaders are pleading with GASP founder Axel Hjalmar to spill the secrets of the biometric robocop genome in hopes that a weakness can be found before millions of middle aged professionals following the Preacher Firestone confront the biorobo horde somewhere south of Mexico. Hjalmar, speaking via satellite uplink from an undisclosed location that was probably a boat, succinctly dashed any hope of being helpful, saying “Firstly, No, I will not help. Secondly, No, I cannot help. But even if I knew a weakness, my first answer is no, I will not help.” Hjalmar says that being both leader and public relations liaison for GASP has led people to incorrectly assume he is the architect of the biorobo genome, and he is certain the person who did create the biorobo genome will not be found, as “he or she has retired to an empty corner of the planet with the satisfaction of helping a noble cause, and knows enough to keep their mouth shut.” Hjalmar then surprised no one by suggesting the problem lay with Google, pointing out that Google has been in possession of the biorobo genome code for well over a year without saying a word about it.

At this point the world became a little annoyed with Google's complete silence and demanded the company comment on the status of their findings or risk unspecified penalties. Google took the opportunity to showcase the use of Google Glass as an effective teleprompter by having a representative of the company read a prepared statement early Thursday. Google's statement confirmed that their team of geneticists have been poring over the source code since its discovery, but also confirmed that they have found nothing and no one ask them any more questions, please. The Google Glass wearing representative then turned from the podium and ran from the questions of the assembled journalists until he reached the street, where he was pelted with bottles by a crowd of people who assumed he was so bored with normal life that he had to digitally supplement everything that passed before his eyes. Funeral services for Greg “At least I got to work for Google” Kerblowski will be held on Saturday. No charges will be laid in the bottle pelting.

PAJ's Megaconglomerate-Public-Relations expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder was asked how Google could maintain silence while being centrally involved in such a catastrophic international event, and his answer was that the company simply has nothing to gain from keeping the general public in the loop because Google is at the top of their field and it would needlessly complicate things to involve anyone else. “Google knows the score by now, they have the greatest minds in genetics, bar none. The very people who perfected human cloning, in fact,” Goose-Shredder said in a press conference late Thursday, “Even though I created the biometric robocop genome it wouldn't do them any good to talk to me about it. It would only take Google's geneticists one glance to understand what's going on with it, and after going over it a few more times they would know there weren't any holes. It's plain on the page.”

At this point Goose-Shredder was interrupted by the shouts of the assembled journalists wanting clarification on his involvement in the biorobo genome project. Goose-Shredder soaked in the furore he created before answering in the affirmative. “Okay, the cat's out of the bag, and I'm not going to bother putting it back in. I was the most qualified response to Axel Hjalmar's Kijiji ad. He was looking to hire a geneticist and I was willing to bluff my credentials and hopefully learn how to code a genome before he figured out I was an amateur. I created the biometric robocop genome in late 2010.”

Goose-Shredder was then interrupted by a cacophony of incoherent questions and he screamed curses while promising to give more details of how he coded the biorobo genome at a later date. Once Goose-Shredder was given word that everyone would shut up about his collusion with Axel Hjalmar, he dickishly finished his comments on Google's public relations efforts by telling the assembled journalists how to do their job. “The weakness Google is looking for would manifest in how the different functions of the genome interact with each other when the organism comes together, so you were asking the wrong question when you focused on the DNA sequence.” Goose-Shredder said that Google should have been asked if they had created a biometric robocop within containment for the purposes of studying it, if they deprived it of sunlight until it was weak enough to approach, if they then dissected the docile biometric robocop, and if they made a bunch of other biorobos watch. “Maybe Google is twisted like a SAW movie,” Goose-Shredder said, “but how would you know if you never asked?” Goose-Shredder then concluded the press conference by sarcastically wishing the assembled journalists good luck at Google's next bi-annual press conference. A press conference detailing his involvement with the biorobo genome project is scheduled for next week.