World leaders are pleading with GASP founder Axel Hjalmar to spill the secrets of the biometric robocop
genome in hopes that a weakness can be found before millions of
middle aged professionals following the Preacher Firestone confront the biorobo horde somewhere south of Mexico.
Hjalmar, speaking via satellite uplink from an undisclosed location
that was probably a boat, succinctly dashed any hope of being
helpful, saying “Firstly, No, I will not help. Secondly, No, I
cannot help. But even if I knew a weakness, my first answer is no, I
will not help.” Hjalmar says that being both leader and public
relations liaison for GASP has led people to incorrectly assume he is
the architect of the biorobo genome, and he is certain the person who
did create the biorobo genome will not be found, as “he or she has
retired to an empty corner of the planet with the satisfaction of
helping a noble cause, and knows enough to keep their mouth shut.” Hjalmar then surprised no one by suggesting the problem lay with Google, pointing out that Google has been in possession of the
biorobo genome code for well over a year without saying a word about
it.
At this point the world became a little
annoyed with Google's complete silence and demanded the company
comment on the status of their findings or risk unspecified
penalties. Google took the opportunity to showcase the use of Google
Glass as an effective teleprompter by having a representative of the
company read a prepared statement early Thursday. Google's statement
confirmed that their team of geneticists have been poring over the
source code since its discovery, but also confirmed that they have
found nothing and no one ask them any more questions, please. The
Google Glass wearing representative then turned from the podium and
ran from the questions of the assembled journalists until he reached
the street, where he was pelted with bottles by a crowd of people who
assumed he was so bored with normal life that he had to digitally
supplement everything that passed before his eyes. Funeral services
for Greg “At least I got to work for Google” Kerblowski will be
held on Saturday. No charges will be laid in the bottle pelting.
PAJ's Megaconglomerate-Public-Relations
expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder was asked how Google could maintain
silence while being centrally involved in such a catastrophic international event, and his answer was that the company simply has
nothing to gain from keeping the general public in the loop because
Google is at the top of their field and it would needlessly
complicate things to involve anyone else. “Google knows the score
by now, they have the greatest minds in genetics, bar none. The very
people who perfected human cloning, in fact,” Goose-Shredder said
in a press conference late Thursday, “Even though I created the
biometric robocop genome it wouldn't do them any good to talk to me
about it. It would only take Google's geneticists one glance to
understand what's going on with it, and after going over it a few
more times they would know there weren't any holes. It's plain on the
page.”
At this point Goose-Shredder was
interrupted by the shouts of the assembled journalists wanting
clarification on his involvement in the biorobo genome project.
Goose-Shredder soaked in the furore he created before answering in
the affirmative. “Okay, the cat's out of the bag, and I'm not going
to bother putting it back in. I was the most qualified response to
Axel Hjalmar's Kijiji ad. He was looking to hire a geneticist and I
was willing to bluff my credentials and hopefully learn how to code a
genome before he figured out I was an amateur. I created the
biometric robocop genome in late 2010.”
Goose-Shredder was then interrupted by
a cacophony of incoherent questions and he screamed curses while
promising to give more details of how he coded the biorobo genome at
a later date. Once Goose-Shredder was given word that everyone would
shut up about his collusion with Axel Hjalmar, he dickishly finished
his comments on Google's public relations efforts by telling the
assembled journalists how to do their job. “The weakness Google is
looking for would manifest in how the different functions of the
genome interact with each other when the organism comes together, so
you were asking the wrong question when you focused on the DNA
sequence.” Goose-Shredder said that Google should have been asked
if they had created a biometric robocop within containment for the
purposes of studying it, if they deprived it of sunlight until it was
weak enough to approach, if they then dissected the docile biometric
robocop, and if they made a bunch of other biorobos watch. “Maybe
Google is twisted like a SAW movie,” Goose-Shredder said, “but
how would you know if you never asked?” Goose-Shredder then
concluded the press conference by sarcastically wishing the assembled
journalists good luck at Google's next bi-annual press conference. A
press conference detailing his involvement with the biorobo genome
project is scheduled for next week.
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