Revelations of Ovaltine Goose-Shredder
being the architect of the biorobo genome that exploded out of
Google's Antarctic cloning facility in a technology destroying fury
have shaken the already tepid public perception of the world's
foremost mad scientist, leading Goose-Shredder to duck from the
public eye and conduct his press conference in a largely deserted
restaurant south of Mount Forest, Ontario. Showing a rare sign of humility, Goose-Shredder allowed his prepared statement to be
interrupted and indulged the overwhelming question of how he could do this to us. Goose-Shredder began by insisting that he did not believe
the technology to bring the biorobo genetic code to life existed, and
that he only created the code out of the barest necessity. “Look, I
needed a job,” he said early Thursday, “and I needed a place to
sleep because I accidentally blew up my house, and I needed a
distraction because my wife Karen had her first death in that
explosion, and trust me, the first time your spouse dies is by far
the hardest one to deal with.” In summation, Goose-Shredder needed
to get out of town, and an avenue that popped up happened to be a
Swedish national offering a bunk on a boat to anyone who knew how to
code a genome. Even though Goose-Shredder didn't know how to code a
genome, he says he didn't let that stop him from taking the position.
The experience of working on the boat
was a trying one for Goose-Shredder, who said Hjalmar would get in
his grill every day about “'Google is evil' this and 'technology
will only destroy us' that.” Despite avoiding him as much as
possible, Goose-Shredder got to know Hjalmar well enough to realize
that the GASP leader has a much deeper investment beyond what he sees
as his noble crusade in the defence of human agency and creativity.
“Now me, in the time I worked with [Hjalmar], I didn't ever believe
Google had a secret cloning base, and I made sure [Hjalmar] knew
that.” Goose-Shredder said, explaining that his discussions with
Hjalmar would get heated to the point where the scientist would end
up throwing Erlenmeyer flasks at him, something Hjalmar tolerated
because he didn't know Goose-Shredder didn't know anything about
coding DNA. Goose-Shredder spent 6 months on Hjalmar's boat putting
together the biorobo genome, but it only took a few weeks for him to
begin noticing patterns in the way Hjalmar conducted himself. “It
started with the salt and pepper shakers always having to be touching
each other. If I separated them even a little bit, a centimetre even,
he would push them together so they were touching. He couldn't leave
the room until he'd done that.” From there, Goose-Shredder began
watching the way Hjalmar washed dishes, and noticed that every
individual cup, plate and utensil had a pre-staged place on the
counter, a place in the drying rack and a place in the cupboard, and
the process was the exact same every day. Once Goose-Shredder began
looking for them, the habits became very easy to spot, and he
realized that Hjalmar had a catalogue of everything he interacts with
over the day and he has to line everything back up with a picture
that's been burned into his thoughts before he goes to bed.
Goose-Shredder says that Hjalmar didn't just start GASP for the
benefit of humanity, but because Hjalmar is worried about Google
becoming so pervasive that it becomes a prerequisite for interacting
with people. “Hjalmar is worried about something he doesn't trust
fixing itself between him and the people he loves. That changing the
way we relate might change the relationship.” If this is true,
Hjalmar would be trying to get rid of Google because the company
doesn't line up in his head as part of the path to his relationships.
However, what Goose-Shredder thinks Hjalmar might have overlooked in
his marine based defence of his personal relationships, is that no
one wants you around when you stink like crayfish all the time.
Goose-Shredder continued to insist that
at no point has he ever wanted to disrupt Google's activities, saying
that at all times coding the biorobo genome “was simply a project,
and not something that [he] ever thought would be brought into the
world.” Asked why he didn't go work for Google when he had no
allegiance to Hjalmar's cause, Goose-Shredder says that working for
Google was never an option. “I said I wasn't very good at genetics
when I answered Hjalmar's ad, and the truth is I'm still not, even
though I've coded a successful genome,” he explained.
Goose-Shredder feels that compared to Google's geneticists he is
“still the wimpy kid on the playground,” but insists that is only
metaphorically speaking because he “still has more swagger than
Google's entire science division put together.” To back up this
assertion, Goose-Shredder pointed out that he frequently “drinks
scotch until awesome things happen,” but also noted that he is a
long way away from Google's geneticists in terms of things like
ability and understanding. “Google's geneticists could have put
[the biorobo genome] together in 1/20th the time it took
me, and then they would still have the copyright on the technique for
bringing it to life. I don't have a damn clue how to do that. My idea
for bringing something to life was putting a two stage pump where a
sea lion's heart used to be.”
While he lags behind Google's genetics
department in skill and knowledge, Goose-Shredder did find some
solace in being on the scientific fringe. “A tech firm never would
have thought to put together a technology destroying organism, in
fact they probably would have just put together something altogether
more helpful for humanity.” After proving himself inept,
Goose-Shredder floundered for an ego boost. “I mean, it's
interesting, right? [The biorobos] are something that could only have
come about from a crazy person putting out an ad for a bent mind. We
did something that no one else could have done, because they deemed
it outside the scope of their necessity, but Hjalmar and I were crazy
enough to need [the biorobos].” Goose-Shredder then remembered his
need to distance himself from Hjalmar, saying “Wait, I hate
[Hjalmar]. He's a dick. I threw Erlenmeyer flasks at him and I bet
some of them hurt. You're welcome, World.”
Stopped for comment on Goose-Shredder's
appeal for thanks outside the Covent Garden Market late Thursday,
Citizen Danny expressed outrage over the forced resignation of the
technology he's bought over the years. “Thanks Goosie, thanks for
all the bullshit. I mean, I know I tend to accidentally throw my
phone at the ground all the time, and occasionally use it as a
coaster, but those are my choices, or my fault at least. Now some
giant plant is going to push me down and steal my phone? Fuck! Are
you kidding? I just bought this one, it's not even broken yet!”
While the mood of the general public is
keeping him out of populated areas for now, Ovaltine Goose-Shredder's
long term fate will depend on what the authorities make of his
involvement in the biorobo genome project. After insisting several
times during the press conference that he had no intention of letting
loose the biometric robocop horde upon the world, Goose-Shredder made
an impassioned plea to distance himself from his creation, saying“It
was just a project for me, you know? I just coded the genome, I
didn't know Hjalmar knew how to bring it to life.” Goose-Shredder
then added what amounted to a Napster Defence, saying “Are we going
to start punishing people for spreading ideas now?” Goose-Shredder
was informed that yes, when the idea is bad enough, a person can be
punished for it. “Oh right, racism. Well,” Goose-Shredder said as
he edged away from the podium, “well maybe you might not see me for
a long time or a while. It's been fun, I'll try to keep in touch.
Maybe...” Goose-Shredder concluded the press conference by
disappearing out the back door of the establishment.
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