Vladimir Putin could be ineffectually
kicking moon dust and drinking a beige Russian knock-off of Tang
through a zero-gravity crazy straw right now, but he isn't because a
plan for Putin to live out the rest of his years in voluntary exile on the moon was passed over by the international community two years ago. As an
idea, Putin getting off the Earth was very popular, but the costs
involved in setting up a self-sufficient habitation on the moon
proved prohibitive and the idea was dismissed as fun to think about
but not a pragmatic use of resources, at least not until earlier this
week when having Putin around started costing people their countries.
What began with the annexation of the
Crimean province of southern Ukraine has led to Russian backed groups
of armed rebels storming government and police buildings in parts of
eastern Ukraine. With this, Russia has stationed a large military
force on their Ukrainian border and vowed to invade if any ethnic
Russians are attacked by Ukrainian forces, essentially daring Ukraine
to raise a hand against the people tearing their country apart.
International Relations expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder says the
situation is a case of entrapment on an international scale. “Russia
are really being dicks here,” he said in a text message early
Thursday, “sending [Russian] operatives in to stir up shit [in
Ukraine] so they can have an excuse to invade? This is the kind of
reprehensible trash only Russia could pull.”
The international community, while
widely condemning Russia's actions, has reaffirmed that they made the
correct decision in not sending Putin to the moon because the
dismantling of Ukraine is looking more like a Russia problem than
simply a Putin one. “What we're dealing with here is a country that
feels they have the right to annex property to bring about their
fated return to former glory as the Soviet Republic,” an unnamed
source inside the United Nations said. The source was quick to point
out that Russia was not bringing communism back, but that they were
after the landmass, resources and international prestige the country
enjoyed during the Soviet era. “Putin being gone would make no
difference, Russia historically has had a giant head and they're
looking to swell it some more. It would happen with any leader [in
Russia].” The source also noted that Russia's use of extortion and
entrapment for gaining wealth fit with their current post-Soviet economic model.
Russia's actions as of late have put
the general public on edge, as the accumulating threats and incidents
point towards a re-emergence of a Cold War mentality. What worries
the public most is the precedent that Russia's annexation set. If
Russia feels they have the right to take control of any piece of
territory where people speak Russian, they could conceivably pull the
move on the entire former Soviet bloc, as well as certain
neighbourhoods in London and New York. Stopped for comment on
Richmond late Thursday, Citizen Danny expressed doubt in Russia's
competence as an actor on the international stage. “Didn't [Russia]
give a bunch of women two years in the gulag for being objectively awesome? And then their whole gay thing? [Russia] is too clueless to
be a country.” Experts agree that Russia's right to be a country
seems to be based more on the fact that they've always been a
country, and not on any qualitative judgement of the worth of their actions. Citizen Danny hopes Russia will “chill out with
the invasions” soon.
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