Slippery the Seal Back at Storybook Gardens! And Alive!

In an unprecedented experiment that is being called a landmark in human scientific achievement Ovaltine Goose-Shredder has re-animated a corpse that has been dead for 45 years. Once thought to be something only possible in the pages of science fiction, the body of a sea lion is back up and flopping around. “Holy shit I'm so stoked!” Ovaltine Goose-Shredder said in a press conference at Storybook Gardens early Wednesday, “If I wasn't looking right at the evidence I wouldn't believe I've done it! Ladies and Gentlemen, Slippery the Seal!”

Slippery is a California Sea Lion who was on display at London's Storybook Gardens. In 1958 he was made famous by escaping people who didn't know how to contain a sea lion and making it all the way to Ohio before being captured. His body was bronzed and set atop the sea lion enclosure after his death in 1967. “Being dipped in bronze nearly perfectly preserved his body,” Goose-Shredder said, “this will revolutionize the funeral industry.”

When asked why he would attempt such a thing, Goose-Shredder gestured to the sea lion enclosure behind him and yelled, “Because I can! Look at him! This isn't some Weekend at Bernie's shit! Slippery is up and swimming around and eating fish and everything!” He had to yell because the three sea lions who have been living in the enclosure were forgoing their usually festive honks for what sounded like long drawn out screams. When he finally turned around to see what the commotion was the fully-living sea lions were backed against the wall of the enclosure letting out their seal screams while Slippery made friendly moves towards his own kind that made them recoil and scatter in terror. After a few failed attempts at friendship Slippery stiffly scuttled to a shady corner and tried to make himself as small as possible.

Goose-Shredder turned back to the microphone and reacted to this new development. “I guess I didn't really consider re-integration when I started this project,” he said as Slippery, tucked in his shaded corner, began shaking in a manner that could only denote sobbing, “Slippery is a freak-zombieish creature now, and the others seem to realize this. The other sea lions don't want him around, so maybe I could re-animate him a companion, something that would understand...” It was at this point that a protestor in the assembled crowd threw a copy of Mary Shelly's Frankenstein at Goose-Shredder, which missed wide left and landed in the beaver enclosure, where it was quickly devoured. The young man then began shouting “That was Frankenstein! Like you!” as he was dragged away by security, to which Goose-Shredder replied “You're next.”

Goose-Shredder would not divulge any details as to how he managed to re-animate a corpse to prevent the rest of the world from overpopulating the planet with their dead relatives and pets, but would say that is was an untested, imperfect process that would have to be monitored in the coming days. “We're going to give this a little time,” he said, watching Slippery stiffly using his flipper to try and bat away a fish the trainer was trying to coax him out of the corner with, “hopefully over the coming weeks the other sea lions will come to accept him, once they realize he's harmless. He smells like death, but he's harmless.”

Goose-Shredder went on to admit that he had developed an uneasy feeling about the whole situation. “The, uh, reality of this situation is finally setting in. I...I might have crossed a few boundaries I shouldn't have. Hopefully the other sea lions eventually accept him. If they don't, I'm just going to involuntarily puke on my shoes or something. This is really starting to not feel right.”

The newly re-animated Slippery is now on display in the sea lion enclosure in Storybook Gardens, and is expected to remain there for the rest of his un-natural life. Experts believe he could potentially become the oldest living thing on the planet in a few thousand years, so seeing him is a matter of time for you, not him.

Dirtbag Terry Sentenced to Walk Dogs; Somehow Manages to Still be Terrible

Dirtbag Terry was sentenced to 150 hours of community service in a London courtroom early Wednesday morning on possession of a dangerous weapon charges stemming from the night he terrorized the hills surrounding Cherryhill Mall with a crossbow. The Judge decided to forgo jail time for the 23 year old Terry because he seemed like the kind of kid that could do well if given a chance. “His parents named him Dirtbag, I mean, I think the guy just needs a break, from his life,” said The Judge said after the proceedings.

Terry will be serving his community service sentence walking dogs at the Lobo Animal Shelter, an organization that takes in stray dogs from the surrounding counties and tries to place them with adoptive homes. “Hopefully he can relax and get his head on straight out there,” said The Judge, “Caring for something might even give him a whole new calling in life.”

Dirtbag Terry showed up 45 minutes late for his first shift and spent the another 15 minutes ranting about his sentence. “I can't believe no one bailed me out. After I got stabbed in prison Grandpa fucking laughed! I almost died!” he said, “I can't believe what a dick that guy is, I wish those Nazi Hunters had taken him.” He went on to complain that the justice system making him walk dogs against his will out in the middle of nowhere was “some fucking Nazi shit, man, in Canada! I told you there were Nazi's in Canada! They are Canada!”

Terry then proceeded to vocalize every problem he had with the alternative to prison he'd been given. “Cleaning up poop with a shovel? You may have had it thrown at you in prison, but it wasn't your shit to clean up, ya know! And look at this thing,” he said, referring to a miniature poodle that was baring it's teeth and barking at him, “This tiny thing is going fucking crazy! I'm not touching it! Fuck that!”

Dirtbag Terry's community service ended early that day with the police taking him away on charges of stealing dogs. “I thought he was bonding with one of them, turns out he was trying to sneak off with it,” says the manager of the shelter, “he could have adopted the dog... it's like $75 dollars.”

Terry defended his actions, saying, “Do you know how expensive Labradoodles are? I'm not stupid. I could sell that dog and go to Mexico, man, not have to walk a damn thing.”

The Judge determined that yes, Terry was indeed stupid, since all he had to do was show up and walk dogs to stay out of prison, but managed to screw that up for himself within an hour. “I'm sentencing you to the maximum of 60 days in prison for dog theft. I could have just given you a fine, but you blew what was probably the easiest sentence I've handed out in my 15 year career,” he said, adding, “Have fun in prison. Gavel. Gavel. Gavel.” The Labradoodle was fine.

Russia Being Jerks Again

Outrage sparked around the world when Russia and China vetoed a UN resolution tabled by Morocco that would have seen the United Nations intervening in Syria with the end goal of removing the government that has so far killed some 6000 of it's citizens. The general attitude towards the veto has been one of disbelief that such a cut and dry humanitarian intervention could be opposed. “You expect this sort of thing out of China, but for some reason we don't think Russia operates on that level anymore,” says international relations expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder, “what a lot of people don't realize is that they've been slowly reverting back to Soviet style dickish behaviour over the last decade.”

The cause of Russia's regression in general decency on an international scale is largely the fault of it's former/maybe-future president, Vladimir Putin, who's ridiculous attempts to look like some sort of superman indicate a large amount of contempt for fellow humans. “Those artifacts he scuba'd for were planted there. It's such a transparent propaganda campaign that it makes you wonder if they're actually serious, like maybe they're just doing a parody of a shitty propaganda campaign for the world's amusement,” says Goose-Shredder, who is going to owe this reporter $100 when the theatrical release of The Grey hits Russia. “You watch, in two months Putin's going to claim that he killed a wolf with his bare hands. I'm putting $100 bucks on that.”

In hopes of making the world a better place, Ovaltine Goose-Shredder is part of a team of scientists trying to get Putin to the moon. “We figure if we tell him we're sending him to the moon, he'll go. We'll be all like 'Hey man, James Bond went to the moon!' because being James Bond is not something he would say no to, and then we'll leave him there,” says Goose-Shredder, who was hand picked for the project because of his general expertise in everything.

Londoner's have jumped on the idea. “I'm seriously getting sick of sharing the planet with a gaping asshole,” Citizen Danny said late Wednesday outside the JLC, “Give him the moon, awesome, he'd probably just make it look like a butt, so that every time we looked at the moon we'd see a butt, but at least he'd be off the earth.”

The logistics of the project have been worked out already, with the international community handling everything from the rockets to get there to setting up livable moon-quarters. “Russia would probably just Russia-it-up if we let them take the lead,” says Goose-Shredder, adding, “We actually want this to work.”

The only thing that could derail the project, besides Putin's refusal to get in the rocket, is the project being scrapped on the basis that it might create Earth's first real-life cartoonish-supervillan, since base-on-the-moon is pretty much check number one on that list. “Supervillany is a risk we're willing to take, given that the threat is negligible once he's on the moon,” says Goose-Shredder, “Yes, odds are space-madness will make him want to destroy the earth but he will have substantially less resources on the moon, since he will be alone and not be allowed to take any nuclear weapons with him.”

The other possibility is that once on the moon, Putin being all alone in his space suit kicking moon dust while he sulks across the barren landscape might make the people of earth start to feel bad about the banishment. “We would have to fight our own human sympathy. There would be massive public service campaigns to remind us why we asked him to go to the moon in the first place,” says Goose-Shredder, “We can't show any weakness, humanity must toughen it's resolve, I'm starting to feel kind of bad for spearheading this campaign... oh wait, Russia totally fucked Syria. We can do this. Putin, get on the rocket!”

Dirtbag Terry Stabbed in Prison; He's Probably Fine

An ambulance was called to the Elgin-Middlesex Detention Centre shortly after 9am Wednesday in response to an altercation between two inmates which resulted in one inmate being taken to hospital with stab wounds. Dirtbag Terry was transferred to the London Health Sciences Centre where he was handcuffed to a radiator in the lobby of the emergency ward and given an ample amount of gauze. “I tried to ask him what happened and he just kept mumbling something about the Pro Bowl,” Doctor Doctors-Name said, “I don't want to talk about the Pro Bowl, that's the worst kind of football, so I threw some gauze at him and went and did something important.” When asked what could be more important than suturing a laceration, Doctor Doctors-Name said “I'm a doctor, everything I do is important.” and rushed off for a cigarette.

Const. McBrady O'Riley, the officer tasked with guarding Terry during his medical leave from the prison, disappeared within seconds of entering the hospital to buy a nurse a cup of coffee. During his absence Terry was struck in the face repeatedly by the kid that swore at my Grandma, who's mother still believed that three cookies could give a person diabetes and swore to remain in the hospital until a fifth doctor examined her son. In protest of the amount of time she had been waiting she allowed her little hell-spawned critter to run a sugar-crazed rampage through the waiting room.

“I'm going to lodge a complaint with this hospital,” she said, her child gleefully watching the Fuzzy Peaches he was throwing stick to Terry's enormously bloody chest, “Everyone knows four out of five doctors agree on everything. I need to find that fifth doctor to get the correct diagnosis for my son, and they're just treating us like we're wasting their time.”

Const. McBrady O'Riley returned from his lunch date with the nurse over two hours later, at which point Terry was mostly unconscious, largely covered in bloody gauze, littered with Fuzzy Peaches and soaked in hand sanitizer. The nurse immediately tried to help Terry but seemed unable to pick a point to begin. When she asked Const. O'Riley what happened, he responded by saying “Nah, he's fine, I've been looking after him.” The nurse was quick to call his bluff, since she was the one he was having coffee with while shirking his duties. She demanded to know what happened to Terry before asking the victim why his wounds were full of Fuzzy Peaches.

Const. O'Riley went pretty far out on a limb to try and look like a good guy by telling the nurse that if Terry was bleeding candy it meant he ate, so someone had been looking after him. It was at this point that the nurse screamed, “For pete's sake, what caused the chest wounds?” and Const. O'Riley told her that Terry was stabbed in the chest because prison is hell. He then tried to lighten the mood by saying Terry wanted to watch “Princess Something Princess Princesses. Something about Princesses.” This reporter is pretty sure he meant Say Yes to the Dress, but kept his mouth shut.

An incident report obtained from the Elgin-Middlesex Detention Centre claims that Terry was stabbed by another inmate in an argument over whether the Pro Bowl was the whole point of the NFL season. Terry seemed to think that the players played the 16 game regular season and a small playoff bracket to determine the best players to make two new teams who then play for the league championship. The other inmate thought that the Super Bowl was the league championship and shortly thereafter grew weary of the argument, which he settled with a sharpened piece of fence wire. We're pretty sure Terry is fine, or something. He is currently awaiting trial on weapons charges for running around Cherryhill Mallwith a crossbow.