Google has launched a new smart-phone app which uses a needle/spectrometer attachment to measure and track a persons blood sugar, a representative of the company said at a press conference early Wednesday. “We're marketing this to everyone, low blood sugar can lead to dizziness, vomiting and fainting spells which can be very dangerous and even fatal while driving. It would be irresponsible for a person not to use it.”
The app and needle attachment tests a persons blood sugar and recommends healthy options such as a specific quantity of apples or orange juice to optimize it. In more dangerous cases the app can also immediately call 911 and direct an ambulance to the user using the GPS tracker in every phone. “We really feel like Google is on the cutting edge of lifesaving technology right now,” the rep said, “which is good because so many of you are dying everyday, of really mundane things sometimes, and this app just takes one thing off your mind. This company is just brilliant. You're welcome.”
For the professional on the go it also tracks blood sugar levels across weeks and spots points in a person's daily routine where their blood sugar dips to unhealthy levels. The app then recommends healthy-eating options to prevent abnormalities from occurring in the first place. “For me, the app spotted a consistent dip in my blood sugar right around two o'clock in the afternoon and recommended apple juice as a pick-me-up,” the spokesman said, holding up his phone, “It also noticed that it dipped the most on Fridays, when I would be running around trying to take as much of the workload off the coming Monday and I would only have a cup of coffee all day. Now I've changed my habits for the better. I make sure to take a full lunch on Fridays and not stress so much about what Monday will bring. This app has significantly changed my life for the better.” He then kissed his phone with a lot of tongue and the press conference went on a short hiatus while he settled that out on stage. When we got back about half of the journalists had left, so they missed the last bits of what the Google representative had to say.
“It also just happens to be possible for the app to record the user's DNA profile and upload it to Google servers.” After some awed whistles from the few remaining journalists the representative went on to explain that the company is currently building a database to log all genetic markers that may pre-dispose a person to buying or being attracted to a certain product. “This way Google can now know and market to a persons unconscious desires and tell them about products they don't even know they want.”
Towards this end, at Google's Antarctic Base there is a team of scientists dressed in primary colours cloning people out of their newly formed DNA database for the purposes of market research. “For instance, we could clone you and make you walk through a mock-up of a grocery store ten thousand times, with the end goal being when we detect that the real you is walking through a grocery store thanks to your GPS tracking smartphone, Google can send a targeted message to you knowing that 8,461 times out of 10,000 you lingered on a Delissio Frozen Pizza and suggest you buy it. It's all about knowing what a person is predisposed to do before even they are aware of it, and I think the people who advertise with us will agree that this makes us the world's cutting edge marketing firm.”
The Google rep then went to to allay any fears the public might have about their clone being brought to life in an unpoliced international zone. “Don't worry, when we're done with the market research we kill the clone. That's why we do this in Antarctica.” When asked exactly how they go about killing the clones the rep said “We let them run off and shoot them with rifles, and then they're left to the local wildlife, like God intended.”
The new app is available for download across all smart-phone platforms, while the needle/spectrometer attachment is mailed to the user after purchase. The company has already mailed out over one million free needle/spectrometer attachments and it's associated literature to prospective users but there is a buzz in the streets of a resistance movement growing amongst a segment of the population in regards to the cloning/killing portion of Google's new initiative. More details to come as they become available.
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