The sea lion exhibit at Storybook Gardens was having a storybook opening with the return of it's star attraction, the re-animated corpse of Slippery the Seal, drawing record crowds until two weeks ago when a curtain was erected around the entire exhibit. The park had initially said the exhibit was closed for renovations, but Ovaltine Goose-Shredder held a press conference early Wednesday and announced that was not the case. “Firstly, I'd just like to apologize to all the humans, and animals too, I guess. Anything with ears really. I'm really sorry about violating the sanctity of death. It won't happen again.” He then went on to announce that the unthinkable had happened. “Slippery the Seal has escaped again, pretty much exactly like he did last time, except he took all his new friends with him.”
The three other sea lions in the enclosure had initially been terrified of the re-animated Slippery. “They stayed up for days just screaming, and you could tell Slippery was put off by that,” Goose-Shredder said, “He exhibited signs of depression. He moped in the corner, he wouldn't eat. Initially he was not happy about being alive again, absolutely.” The saving grace was that eventually the other sea lions would grow tired and stop screaming in terror. “Apparently Slippery bit them on the neck when they fell asleep, and they became something akin to zombies like him. They were totally right to be afraid of him, and I'll definitely think twice about locking a living thing in a pit with a monster in the future.”
The other sea lions being turned into zombies was initially a weight off Goose-Shredder's mind. “I was really worried that Slippery wouldn't be able to re-integrate with his kind. Just imagine if no one ever wanted to hug you again, couldn't do anything besides scream at you, it would be the worst. Like growing up with Vladimir Putin for a father. I was physically ill thinking about the existence I had brought Slippery into. It was so painful seeing my creation completely unloved by his own kind,” he said, pointing to a map of the Great Lakes Watershed completely shaded in red. “Luckily he has lots of friends like him now because this death-limbo thing is totally contagious. Who knew right? So it's no one's fault that the Great Lakes are pretty much completely zombified now...”
According to Goose-Shredder it has taken less than two weeks for all the creatures in the Great Lakes ecosystem to catch the zombie-esque plague. “It exploded exponentially through the ecosystem once the sea lions were introduced...by accident.” Scientists confirm that the creatures now zombified cannot breed, but can't die either, so the entirety of the Great Lakes is now frozen in a stasis that will not change until the earth is destroyed. “Once bitten the creatures will develop a mad bloodlust. You could ask the sea lion trainers about it, but you actually can't do that at all, so I'm going to trail off now and hope no one has any follow-up questions,” Goose-Shredder said, “In an unrelated matter, since we've seen how the bloodlust affects humans anyone caught swimming in the Great Lakes will be shot on sight.”
In an effort to protect all of humanity a crack team of zombie hunters has been deployed in guard towers erected around the perimeter of the Great Lakes, and the watershed has been re-branded the Great Zombified Lakes in an effort to raise awareness of the dangers of entering the water. “It's just a reminder that entering the lakes means forfeiting your life.” Goose-Shredder said.
Since the revelation of Slippery's escape, questions have been raised as to how involved Goose-Shredder was in the seal's flight, with accusations running from turning a blind eye to faulty safety measures to full on opening the gate for the re-animated corpses to waddle through. “I will not entertain any accusations of wrong-doing,” Goose-Shredder said, before adding an apparent non-sequitur, “We really felt that I needed to make some amends, to make some progress with a moral imperative. Sometimes in order to go forward you have to go backward. I learned that in parking lots. It's my hope that I can begin to make amends for violating the sanctity of death, even if the progress can seem counter-intuitive or even downright apocalyptic. The important thing will be that the perceived wrongs can no longer exist, and a new era of freedom can hopefully be corrected by our future Einestiens, because I'm seriously out of ideas on this one.”
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