Goose-Shredder Returns for Love; World Reacts with Horror

Ovaltine Goose-Shredder held a press conference Thursday to explain his sabbatical into and return from the great wild yonder. During his absence from society, speculation was that the looming financial apocalypse had scared him into hiding, but this theory was dashed when Goose-Shredder began his press conference by praising Canadians for locking themselves away from their currency. “You guys really went for it while I was gone. This no currency thing is wild. I'm really proud to be a Canadian today, I mean, you've all defaulted back to the amount of money you were born with. As a country we're finally off in left field and I love it!”

Moving on to the reason everyone had assembled, his reason for leaving, Goose-Shredder launched into a prepared speech. “I know I said that we as a species couldn't go re-animating all the pets and relative's we've lost, but I did anyways. Actually, it was pretty much the first thing I did after bringing Slippery the Seal back from the dead.” At the time of his re-animation Slippery had been dead for 45 years, and with the successful procedure Goose-Shredder knew “that re-animating a human who had only been dead for three [years] would be a piece of cake.” Despite warning the rest of the world not to do exactly this, Goose-Shredder insists that “[re-animating a relative] was the only reason I even tried to invent the procedure. Not bringing her back was not an option.”

It was at this point that Goose-Shredder gestured to stage left and introduced his wife Karen, who died in a suspicious explosion three years ago. Karen, very much alive, raised her arm to wave to the assembled journalists, who cringed at the hideous snap that it made. As the first known human being to be brought back from the dead, Karen's first announcement to the world after being dead for three years was “My arm broke again.” Goose-Shredder seemed hurt by the development, saying “Okay, we're busy, but we'll fix that.” Adding “Still doesn't hurt?” Karen confirmed that it did not hurt, prompting Goose-Shredder to say under his breath into the microphone, “Okay, where am I going wrong with the nerves?” The admission has many scientists bursting into murmurs of scientific jargon and concluding that Goose-Shredder is far from perfecting the procedure, a conclusion backed up by the fact that Karen kind of looks like half a rotting corpse.

When asked how she felt about being back, Karen said that it was, “nice to be back.” and that she was glad to see us all here. “Brand new vocal cords, just for today.” Goose-Shredder said as he leaned out over the microphone. Upon hearing this, one of Karen's eyes rolled, saying “Three years and you're still no good at that, huh?” highlighting the egomania that has driven Goose-Shredder's inability to be removed as the centre of attention. Goose-Shredder shut up, and Karen continued. “Physically, I feel nothing. There are... issues with my nerves, which is probably for the best. As you can see, my arm just broke.” Despite setbacks that would be considered a maiming for the average person, Karen was optimistic about a solution. “We think it has something to do with the way the muscle fibres are attached to the bone. Other than that, I'm glad I'm back?” Pressed for further comment by a room full of journalists who know that when there is a question mark, an answer usually follows, Karen said “I'll feel better about everything when I'm doing something, not that I don't love Goosie, but I have been in that house with him for over a year and want to get out in the world. I can't just sit on a dock and watch sunsets.”

Admitting that the cat was out of the bag as to their location, Ovaltine Goose-Shredder decided to elaborate. “During the mushroom trip, I was very insistent on her being as honest as she could possibly be about what she wanted her life to look like, more honest than the ground, I believe my exact words were. We left the house early that morning. We may or may not have sat on couches and watched sunsets, I don't want to be too specific, but I could have done that for a lot longer. As pathetic as Betty's 'Fuck it I quit' article was I would have been fine just leaving that dude stranded with his project, but while we were away Karen realized that what she was missing most was other people, even though they may not act favourably towards her because of her condition. She doesn't see a point to being back if she can't do anything to help the world, so that is what she is here to do, and it's why we came back.”

Goose-Shredder then outlined the reason for calling the press conference, to ask for clemency for Karen. “We are worried about how people will react. I'm still getting death threats from walleye fishermen in Point Edward. Like, I'm really amazed by how long people have been able to flip out about the Great Lakes being destroyed. It's an impressive amount of anger, and it's still a sore point with pretty much everyone in southern Ontario.” he said. “We're assuming anyone who has gone through the re-animation process will get the brunt of the anger. That people might not want Karen around, or even try to re-kill her, is a possibility that we would much rather avoid. So just be nice, damnit, to the zombie-type person. Please. And Thank you. I promise I won't destroy any more lakes.”

When World Financial Crisis' Collide

All of Canada's currency reserves are now tied up in a lottery that no one can win, as the last ticket in the Preacher Firestone lottery expired early Monday. The lottery would have had all of Canada's currency going to whoever could correctly guess the minute that the Preacher Firestone's sermon ended, but instead had Canadians scrambling around their houses shaking out their couch cushions for any spare change as the last of the tickets expired and individual shares of the winnings exploded in value. The last mad scramble to win assured that all of Canada's currency was locked away, so the country is all kinds of screwed as far as assigning value to things goes.

Not content to let Canada sink on it's own, Cyprus has decided to hit the self destruct button by announcing plans to steal it's citizens money straight from their bank accounts. The plan was aborted after the Cyprusian... the Cypronic... the Cyprati... the fucking Cyprus Parliament hummed and hawed over conducting outright thievery for two days but decided against it. Meanwhile, the measures mere consideration has been enough to rattle the citizen's confidence in the banks. “They're fucked” International Finance expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder said early Thursday, because he's back! “People in a position of power can't talk about taking another person's savings without making people flip the fuck out. Watch for the entire Cyprati economy to go dark. Cash is going to rule their black market country and their Government will be shut out until it fails.” According to Goose-Shredder, there is a saving grace to the situation as Democratically elected jobs exist on the trust of the people, and based on what happened, we can expect the Cyprati Parliament to be dismantled instantly. “People aren't happy when you plot a robbery to their face.”

When asked his reasons for coming back after being gone so long, Goose-Shredder said he would be forthcoming about his absence at a scheduled press conference next Thursday, because “My reasons are uhhhh.... a little out there, and I want them to be gingerly phrased.” When asked if he could say where he had been, Goose-Shredder was less forthcoming. “I've got places I can go where no one can find me and I like it that way. Haven't you ever thought about what you would do if the Government started acting like a psychopath, like Governments tend to do, and decided you should be killing people for them? You're not a goddamned child, Betty. If you're going to live on Earth you need contingency plans, so get your head out of your ass and look for a place to hide.” From everyone at PAJ, it's good to have you back Goosie.

Resistance Leader Axel Hjalmar also commented on the financial situation in Cyprus, warning the world about collusion between “the giant enterprises that could crush us at any moment”, and we cut out the part where he mentioned Google because, as Ovaltine Goose-Shredder put it, “Are people still listening to that guy? What has he done? Seriously, someone tell me.” Hjalmar did kind of kidnap James Betty. No one remembers that. Hjalmar feels that the Cyprus event exemplifies the attitude of the over-arching institutions humanity has set up. “This is what their attitude is. They will allow us to pay them for their services, and when a crisis arises they will collude with other institutions to take their means to power from us. They will not be denied.” He then went on to draw a line from the Government and Bank collusion over in Cyprus and multiplied it by a factor of Google, setting off a paranoid rant that was too disjointed to merit printing. To sum up, everyone is fucked because Google is too big, and a little more fucked if the Government gets involved. I just saved everyone 20 minutes of Swedish-kiltered nonsense. It's what news is for.

Well, Fuck it All Then; An Obituary for All Seasons

Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!! He's not coming back. Ovaltine Goose-Shredder has been missing for a month and a half and I hate it. Ben Afflek's character in Good Will Hunting is a dumb idiot-prick because Goosie being gone is stupid and it sucks! I'm sure he's not dead, that he's just off chasing his hopes and dreams, but damnit if I don't miss him like I'd miss my left hand. I don't want to do this without him. What's an article without an expert? And no, Danny is no expert. He doesn't have the swagger to be an authority on anything.

This Journalism thing is for the birds, and by that I mean I'm abandoning it to let information flit and scatter and fuck it all then! The sum total of the world can be aggregated by someone else. Your turn, New York Times. Betty's out.

British Parliment [REDACTED] and Also [REDACTED]

The British parliament has passed a law to allow secret court proceedings and voted not to add any of the official opposition's amendments for judicial discretion to tame the bill. Should the bill pass in the House of Lords, defendants in Britain could face trial without knowing details of the evidence against them, provided the evidence is deemed to cause a national security risk should it become public record. The move has shocked many professed defendants of civil liberty, since how one would ever prove whether the secret evidence is inappropriate is lost in the void with the sound of one hand clapping.

Figurehead of the resistance movement GASP and self described anarcho-liberitary-freedom-fetishist Alex Hjalmar disputes the new law as he disputes everything, in relation to Google. “These countries are setting up black zones for dispensing their justice. GASP considers it unacceptable for Britain to create a place where Google can hide their influence on the world.” He said late Thursday via satellite uplink. “Where is the oversight for a secret national security trial? It is far too easy for a country to define something as a national security interest.” Hjalmar then pointed to a chart that outlined the three ways that Britain could define something as a national security interest, by:

1. Saying it involves Britain
2. Saying it involves an international interest of Britain's
3. No need for three, most of the world is covered by 1 and 2

When asked, hey man, are you even capable of chilling out on the Google thing by a reporter from the CBC, Hjalmar responded by saying that “any relenting in the face of the Google is an invitation for the beast to overrun one's will.” and refused to ever answer any question from the CBC ever again, as “[the CBC] has clearly shown themselves to be compromised by the Google through [their] attempt to subvert [my] will.” GASP's transmission was then interrupted by Little Mosque on the Prarie re-runs in some regions.

Not everyone is convinced the new law is outright bad, as some experts have pointed out that Britain legalizing trial by secret evidence might actually be a step towards a more open court system. “It's weird that they're announcing that they're going to do things in secret, because normally governments just do things in secret without telling anyone.” Citizen Danny said Thursday, “This might not necessarily be a curtailing of civil liberties, but actually the beginning of a judicial review of covert operations.” Danny was quick to point out that this theory is not an endorsement on his part. “Governments err on the side of caution when they decide what will effect national security, so they tend to get shit wrong in it's name all the time. I mean, the US government is going to burn Bradley Manning at the stake for leaking all those documents, even though they don't actually think he did any harm. They're just setting up the example to protect US interests from future whistleblowers.” Adding, “Am I sounding more like Goose-Shredder? I used the word 'curtailing' and everything!”

Most citizens are wary of the new law, not only because of the idea of secret evidence being used by the state in judicial proceedings, but because the Orwellian hyperbole that has been spouted by some of the law's supporters is hinting at further darkness to come. Specifically a quote from Jack Straw, former Foreign Minister for the Labour Party, who said “Let's remind ourselves – and this isn't scaremongering, it happens to be true [that without such intelligence] – there would have been scores of really serious atrocities killing your constituents and many others”. Straw then went on to remind everyone that their family will be exploded if trial by secret evidence is not allowed. But he wasn't scaremongering. Citizen Danny disagrees. “That guy sucks. I'll bet Goose-Shredder would have come up with a pie graph showing the number of people blown up by terrorists vs. the number of people killed by power-drunk governments or something. I mean, if you can re-animate the dead, you can put together a pie chart.”