All of Canada's currency reserves are
now tied up in a lottery that no one can win, as the last ticket in
the Preacher Firestone lottery expired early Monday. The lottery
would have had all of Canada's currency going to whoever could
correctly guess the minute that the Preacher Firestone's sermon
ended, but instead had Canadians scrambling around their houses
shaking out their couch cushions for any spare change as the last of
the tickets expired and individual shares of the winnings exploded in
value. The last mad scramble to win assured that all of Canada's
currency was locked away, so the country is all kinds of screwed as
far as assigning value to things goes.
Not content to let Canada sink on it's
own, Cyprus has decided to hit the self destruct button by announcing
plans to steal it's citizens money straight from their bank accounts.
The plan was aborted after the Cyprusian... the Cypronic... the
Cyprati... the fucking Cyprus Parliament hummed and hawed over
conducting outright thievery for two days but decided against it.
Meanwhile, the measures mere consideration has been enough to rattle
the citizen's confidence in the banks. “They're fucked”
International Finance expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder said early
Thursday, because he's back! “People in a position of power can't
talk about taking another person's savings without making people flip
the fuck out. Watch for the entire Cyprati economy to go dark. Cash
is going to rule their black market country and their Government will
be shut out until it fails.” According to Goose-Shredder, there is
a saving grace to the situation as Democratically elected jobs exist
on the trust of the people, and based on what happened, we can expect
the Cyprati Parliament to be dismantled instantly. “People aren't
happy when you plot a robbery to their face.”
When asked his reasons for coming back
after being gone so long, Goose-Shredder said he would be forthcoming
about his absence at a scheduled press conference next Thursday,
because “My reasons are uhhhh.... a little out there, and I want
them to be gingerly phrased.” When asked if he could say where he
had been, Goose-Shredder was less forthcoming. “I've got places I
can go where no one can find me and I like it that way. Haven't you
ever thought about what you would do if the Government started acting
like a psychopath, like Governments tend to do, and decided you
should be killing people for them? You're not a goddamned child,
Betty. If you're going to live on Earth you need contingency plans,
so get your head out of your ass and look for a place to hide.”
From everyone at PAJ, it's good to have you back Goosie.
Resistance Leader Axel Hjalmar also
commented on the financial situation in Cyprus, warning the world
about collusion between “the giant enterprises that could crush us
at any moment”, and we cut out the part where he mentioned Google
because, as Ovaltine Goose-Shredder put it, “Are people still
listening to that guy? What has he done? Seriously, someone tell me.”
Hjalmar did kind of kidnap James Betty. No one remembers that.
Hjalmar feels that the Cyprus event exemplifies the attitude of the
over-arching institutions humanity has set up. “This is what their
attitude is. They will allow us to pay them for their services, and
when a crisis arises they will collude with other institutions to
take their means to power from us. They will not be denied.” He
then went on to draw a line from the Government and Bank collusion
over in Cyprus and multiplied it by a factor of Google, setting off a
paranoid rant that was too disjointed to merit printing. To sum up,
everyone is fucked because Google is too big, and a little more
fucked if the Government gets involved. I just saved everyone 20
minutes of Swedish-kiltered nonsense. It's what news is for.
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