Ovaltine Goose-Shredder held a press
conference Thursday to explain his sabbatical into and return from
the great wild yonder. During his absence from society, speculation
was that the looming financial apocalypse had scared him into hiding,
but this theory was dashed when Goose-Shredder began his press
conference by praising Canadians for locking themselves away from
their currency. “You guys really went for it while I was gone. This
no currency thing is wild. I'm really proud to be a Canadian today, I
mean, you've all defaulted back to the amount of money you were born
with. As a country we're finally off in left field and I love it!”
Moving on to the reason everyone had
assembled, his reason for leaving, Goose-Shredder launched into a
prepared speech. “I know I said that we as a species couldn't go
re-animating all the pets and relative's we've lost, but I did
anyways. Actually, it was pretty much the first thing I did after
bringing Slippery the Seal back from the dead.” At the time of his
re-animation Slippery had been dead for 45 years, and with the
successful procedure Goose-Shredder knew “that re-animating a human
who had only been dead for three [years] would be a piece of cake.”
Despite warning the rest of the world not to do exactly this,
Goose-Shredder insists that “[re-animating a relative] was the only
reason I even tried to invent the procedure. Not bringing her back
was not an option.”
It was at this point that
Goose-Shredder gestured to stage left and introduced his wife Karen,
who died in a suspicious explosion three years ago. Karen, very much
alive, raised her arm to wave to the assembled journalists, who
cringed at the hideous snap that it made. As the first known human
being to be brought back from the dead, Karen's first announcement to
the world after being dead for three years was “My arm broke
again.” Goose-Shredder seemed hurt by the development, saying
“Okay, we're busy, but we'll fix that.” Adding “Still doesn't
hurt?” Karen confirmed that it did not hurt, prompting
Goose-Shredder to say under his breath into the microphone, “Okay,
where am I going wrong with the nerves?” The admission has many
scientists bursting into murmurs of scientific jargon and concluding
that Goose-Shredder is far from perfecting the procedure, a
conclusion backed up by the fact that Karen kind of looks like half a
rotting corpse.
When asked how she felt about being
back, Karen said that it was, “nice to be back.” and that she was
glad to see us all here. “Brand new vocal cords, just for today.”
Goose-Shredder said as he leaned out over the microphone. Upon
hearing this, one of Karen's eyes rolled, saying “Three years and
you're still no good at that, huh?” highlighting the egomania that
has driven Goose-Shredder's inability to be removed as the centre of
attention. Goose-Shredder shut up, and Karen continued. “Physically,
I feel nothing. There are... issues with my nerves, which is probably
for the best. As you can see, my arm just broke.” Despite setbacks
that would be considered a maiming for the average person, Karen was
optimistic about a solution. “We think it has something to do with
the way the muscle fibres are attached to the bone. Other than that,
I'm glad I'm back?” Pressed for further comment by a room full of
journalists who know that when there is a question mark, an answer
usually follows, Karen said “I'll feel better about everything when
I'm doing something, not that I don't love Goosie, but I have been in
that house with him for over a year and want to get out in the world.
I can't just sit on a dock and watch sunsets.”
Admitting that the cat was out of the bag as to their location, Ovaltine Goose-Shredder decided to
elaborate. “During the mushroom trip, I was very insistent on her
being as honest as she could possibly be about what she wanted her
life to look like, more honest than the ground, I believe my exact
words were. We left the house early that morning. We may or may not
have sat on couches and watched sunsets, I don't want to be too
specific, but I could have done that for a lot longer. As pathetic as
Betty's 'Fuck it I quit' article was I would have been fine just
leaving that dude stranded with his project, but while we were away
Karen realized that what she was missing most was other people, even
though they may not act favourably towards her because of her
condition. She doesn't see a point to being back if she can't do
anything to help the world, so that is what she is here to do, and
it's why we came back.”
Goose-Shredder then outlined the reason
for calling the press conference, to ask for clemency for Karen. “We
are worried about how people will react. I'm still getting death
threats from walleye fishermen in Point Edward. Like, I'm really
amazed by how long people have been able to flip out about the Great Lakes being destroyed. It's an impressive amount of anger, and it's
still a sore point with pretty much everyone in southern Ontario.”
he said. “We're assuming anyone who has gone through the
re-animation process will get the brunt of the anger. That people
might not want Karen around, or even try to re-kill her, is a
possibility that we would much rather avoid. So just be nice, damnit,
to the zombie-type person. Please. And Thank you. I promise I won't
destroy any more lakes.”
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