In the weeks since the complete destruction of the Canadian dollar, the Canadian government has been
slow to implement a new currency, meaning they haven't implemented a
new currency, leaving many citizens irate over being left in the dark
as to how to assign value to anything. “What does a can of coke
cost now? Trick question! You can't buy one!” Local Outragee Sandra
screeched early Thursday. Way too early Thursday, as she could be
heard screaming in the street from the basement of Muriel Betty's home, venting her frustration at the utter insanity and disruptive
behaviour Canadians have been coping with because of the uncertain
economic relations. Without a currency as a yardstick of value,
citizens have been forced to make up a value for everything they have
and anything they want. They then negotiate those two numbers against
two numbers another Canadian has made up for themself, turning any
exchange of goods and services into a tedious battle of wills.
Meanwhile, the government response has been to shut down
non-essential services so that all resources can be diverted to
security, health and water services in an effort to keep police,
firefighters and hospitals going - as well as the taps flowing.
Despite the current economic landscape
being the bleakest it's been since people started writing things down, economic expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder is optimistic about
Canada's chances of recovery. “The whole basis of our economy has
been destroyed, so we literally have nowhere left to go but up.”
Because things could only get better from here, Goose-Shredder
believes that even slightly damaging events would be regarded as a
step up from utter obliteration. “Hindsight being 20/20, burying
our money in lottery tickets was not a smart move, but even with
foresight being 3/10, I think this has the potential to turn out
pretty well for us. Later on, that is, things are terrible now.”
With the measuring stick of value being
swept out from under their feet and the government being slow to
provide leadership, Canadians have taken to using their skills to
create things for barter as a means of acquiring goods, meaning
labour has become the measuring stick of a now enormously scaled back
economy. “Things have gone local, like how much wheat is a table
worth local.” Goose-Shredder explained. “I literally mean my
neighbour, a farmer, made me build him a table in exchange for 20
pounds of wheat and 12 bushels of apples, to be delivered when in
season, of course.” Despite not having any experience as a
carpenter, Goose-Shredder assures that he “scienced the shit out of
that table.” Experts believe the table turned out okay.
Citizen Danny, speaking outside the
Coveant Garden Market late Thursday, said he traded a gallon of
gasoline for a case of Kraft Dinner to a friend who was leaving the
city to set up a plot of land in a rural area. “He wanted to be
somewhere with enough space to grow some food. The balcony of his
apartment just wasn't cutting it.” The hardest part of the new
economy, according to Danny, is having things people might need
enough to trade for food. “Everything is about food now. Mostly
everything in my apartment has been traded for food at this point, so
you either start growing food, or if you haven't traded away your
sewing machine, you start making clothes.” Adding, “Want this
shirt? It almost looks like a shirt.”
Danny's friend is part of a growing
trend of Canadians leaving cities for rural areas. A mass exodus from
cities was expected by analysts, as people looking to be
self-sufficient generally want more elbow room. Many farmers have
started letting migrants from the cities grow food on small plots of
their land, as having people to work the land has become much cheaper
than running diesel through a tractor. The migrant city dwellers get
to keep a portion of the food they produce, and the rest goes to the
farmer for sale, leading many to say that Canada has essentially
reverted back to a feudal agrarian society.
Despite the hardship associated with
not having a currency, Canadians have vehemently decried any
discussion of adopting the American dollar, even though it would be
an incredibly easy solution to the crisis. “Why not adopt the
American dollar?” Danny said. “Because we're Canada, damnit.”
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